Is this a massive red flag and should I just end it completely?

[SoggyRamen]

I met a guy online around June, we chatted for a while and started seeing each other regularly in September, we’ve been seeing each other since then.
I opened up to him and told him about my past relationship with my ex, who was a violent alcoholic and the trauma I have from it. Everything continued as normal.
I invited him to my house for the first time last weekend, while he was at mine we were looking through his calender on his phone to see when our schedules matched up around kids etc, and I spotted an appointment in his calender, scheduled every week called ‘sponsor call’ so I asked what it was and it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, he
admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me.

I though about it a lot and decided that I didn’t want to risk putting myself into a similar situation as I was in before, he assured me it wasn’t a problem and that he’s a nice guy but I’ve tried to distance myself since then.
He says he understands but would still like me to go to his works Christmas party this weekend and if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go. I feel terrible to let him down, would it just be best to cut all ties with him knowing what I now know and knowing that I’ll never get into a full relationship with him because of his issues around alcohol.

You don't owe him anything. Just end it for good so you can open up to meet someone who is better suited.

He’s capable of going to his work do without you, it’s not your responsibility to go so that he doesn’t miss out. Just cut ties.

I thought so too.

it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, he admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me... he assured me it wasn’t a problem

He's Schrodinger's Alcoholic, isn't he?!
He's in recovery with AA. Step One: we admit we have a problem.
He's got a problem, but it isn't a problem.
He's in recovery, but he drinks.
😒

Definitely don't go to the party with this alcoholic, OP!

As an observation, it feels like you're his bargain with alcohol - he won't drink too much when he's with you. You've enough experience to know how these bargains always go. There's no reason why you should put yourself out to be used as a prop by some drunk you dated for a few weeks.

Being traumatised and having that unresolved does leave people open to similar relationships and partners.
If you then open up about your trauma during the initial stages (maybe love bombing) it's almost like giving that person control. They find and use every chink in your armour to beat you down (physically or metaphorically) but you can't always recognise until it's too late.

You obviously have awareness because you are questioning this.
He may not become an abuser like your ex, but he is manipulative and someone who has sought help for alcohol abuse but is still drinking.
His Xmas party is FA to do with you and would in my mind be a risky move.
MN is great for advice in these matters as so many of us have worn that t-shirt 💐

My partner is a recovering alcoholic. But it's VERY different.

Firstly, he told me up front. He's never lied about it or hidden it. He tells other people when it's appropriate.

Secondly, he doesn't drink AT ALL. He knows he can't, end of. He's not had a drink for 23 years. And yet he still goes to AA every week, and if he goes away he finds a local one (even at festivals, they often have an AA tent). He also doesn't take pain killers and doesn't gamble, just in case.

He doesn't try to manipulate me. He knows it's his problem and he doesn't draw me into it.

I did think long ad hard about whether being in a relationship with him would be OK, and it is. I do drink, but not much, only when out really. And he doesn't mind at all. So I don't have to worry about my actions.

If I'd had a violent alcoholic ex I definitely would not be dating a recovering alcoholic, for my own sanity.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yeah, my response is, "and why is it my responsibility to ensure you go to YOUR work event?"

My issue is that either he has a problem, or he doesn't. But he seems to be very wishy washy about it and this is not what you need.

If he’s in AA he shouldn’t be drinking at all. It’s non negotiable. So he’s lying to his sponsor - and if he’ll do that he’ll lie to anyone about anything. The only healthy relationship an alcoholic can have with alcohol is not drinking.

I'm an AA member and one fundamental rule of the programme is honesty. If he's serious about AA he should have told you straight away. Plus he shouldn't be drinking, of course.

Drop him like a stone and perhaps seek counselling as you seem to be attracted to problem drinkers. What has been your experience with heavy drinkers? Parents perhaps?

he admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me.

And ^ this is the problem in a nutshell. A person going to AA for a drinking problem, shouldn't be drinking at all, even socially.

You've been there before, don't make the same mistake. Telling him you want a partner without a drinking problem is easy.

Don’t go, and cut ties. You don’t owe him
anything.

He's drinking though? He's not getting help to solve his problem. He's pretending to.

My understanding is an alcoholic can NEVER have a good relationship with alcohol. They shouldn't ever be drinking again.

It’s the “if you won’t go I won’t go” that makes me want to turn and run for the hills.

It’s not up to him to judge what’s a “problem” for you and I don’t think he’s being particularly understanding to be trying to guilt you to stay.

So you don't want to date someone with the self awareness, self accountability and commitment to fight an addiction? OK.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

It’s not for him to decide whether it’s ok for you or not. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time and the fact you’re posting on here @SoggyRamen indicates that you know this isn’t ok.

He managed to go places and do things before he met you, so he can manage to go to the works Christmas do if you don’t go.

Listen to your gut feeling.

Yes, I would end this. Not just because of the concerns about alcohol but because him pressuring you to attend his work christmas party on the basis that he won’t go if you don’t accompany him is manipulative.

Where is the self awareness, self accountability and commitment from someone who has an alcohol problem but is continuing to drink?

Its not OP’s job to rehabilitate men with alcohol issues, especially men still in active addiction and continuing to drink. She is perfectly entitled to have a hard boundary on this to protect herself.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with going to AA committing, in fact that's great. But going while lying and keeping drinking is a massively bad sign and would make me seriously question anything he says.

I don’t see any of these in him.

He’s lying about his drinking, to himself, me and his AA sponsor.
His addiction to drink hasn’t ended if he’s still drinking. The only way for an alcoholic to commit to fighting their addiction is to stop drinking altogether…I’ve been there before, it never ends well when they think they can control the amount they drink.
He also said he never had a problem, just his ex wife thought he had one.

When you told him about your previous relationship with an alcoholic, you opened the door for the conversation he should have with you about his own addiction. Instead, he let you find out. That might have been an accident, or he might have let you see that on purpose.
His addiction is current, it isn't in his past, and its something that could affect your consent to being in a relationship with him. So he should have told you about it, taken responsibility and made himself accountable; and imo he should have done that before he visited your home.

But instead he's tried to guilt trip you into staying with him and going to an office party. So yes, that's a red flag. He's being manipulative and dishonest. He's still an addict in the grip of addiction.

Get out now and as for the guilt tripping over him not going to the party, classic addict sign right there.

OP you already know how this works possibly the only bit of positive news from your awful, terrible marriage.
If he’s drinking, ‘speaking’ to his sponsor once a week and not going to meetings then he is not remotely sober, and shows no desire to be.
He knows about your past. At that point, he should have told you he was an alcoholic and actively drinking.
But he did what is clearly his way of living - putting his drinking, and then himself, first.
As for the Christmas party oh my word how did he cope before he met you?
Imagine the intro if you turned up…
Hi this is Soggy, such a wonderful woman. Sadly she was abused by her violent alcoholic ex. But now she’s met me I’m just a lying, selfish actively drinking alcoholic. But I haven’t hit her yet… she must think all her Christmases have come at once!
You are very vulnerable. Do not let this man have any more of your peace.

Self awareness
Self Accountability
Commitment

So an alcoholic, who is socially drinking, whilst still attending AA, lying to their sponsor, not informing people they are a (recovering) alcoholic - instead brushing it off as "it's not a problem"

I don't see any awareness, accountability or commitment. I'm interested to see where you see it?