Is this a massive red flag and should I just end it completely?

[SoggyRamen]

I met a guy online around June, we chatted for a while and started seeing each other regularly in September, we’ve been seeing each other since then.
I opened up to him and told him about my past relationship with my ex, who was a violent alcoholic and the trauma I have from it. Everything continued as normal.
I invited him to my house for the first time last weekend, while he was at mine we were looking through his calender on his phone to see when our schedules matched up around kids etc, and I spotted an appointment in his calender, scheduled every week called ‘sponsor call’ so I asked what it was and it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, he
admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me.

I though about it a lot and decided that I didn’t want to risk putting myself into a similar situation as I was in before, he assured me it wasn’t a problem and that he’s a nice guy but I’ve tried to distance myself since then.
He says he understands but would still like me to go to his works Christmas party this weekend and if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go. I feel terrible to let him down, would it just be best to cut all ties with him knowing what I now know and knowing that I’ll never get into a full relationship with him because of his issues around alcohol.

I would end it for this alone!!! Sadly OP you need to throw this one back.

what is it with people and drink?

"He says he understands but would still like me to go to his works Christmas party this weekend and if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go.". Asking you is fine, but saying that "he probably won't go" if you don't accompany him is a bit manipulative. I'd firmly dump him if I were you.

One relationship with an alcoholic is more than enough for any person in a lifetime.

He has all the classic signs - he's both a liar and manipulative based on your posts.

Run.

My bad. I didn’t realise you could never drink in AA.

My perspective was that he seems to be able to control how much he drinks, in so far as OP hadn’t guessed he was an alcoholic.

He is NOT a “poor guy” he has a problem that he needs to deal with himself.

He had an opportunity to tell you about his alcohol issues when you opened up to him about your violent alcoholic ex - and didn't.
He is trying to manipulate you into going with him to the works Christmas party 'if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go'.

For those 2 reasons, whether or not he is currently able to control his drinking, I suspect this will not be a good relationship for you.

Say no to the Christmas party now - de-link it from whether you continue the relationship so you have a clear head and aren't working to a deadline. Even if you decide you do want to stay with him, you can still not go.

The party seems a small thing, but positioned like you're letting him down and holding him back from going. So you say yes because you feel obliged and it's just one night isn't it, and you don't have much time to think. Then he introduces you as his girlfriend and suddenly you're tied in. It's now even harder to end things, and you don't want to embarrass him when he's just introduced you, he's maybe even suggested a meet up with some work colleagues you've just met next week.... and on it goes....

This!

If he's in AA he should be saying so immediately and trying hard not to drink at all, though he may not always manage. Someone who rings their sponsor once a week and continues regularly drinking is not dealing with their problem. Best let him go I'm afraid. Who cares about his work Christmas bash - it's less important than his health and your safety.

Everyone deserves a second chance, but it doesn't have to be you who gives it him.

I would get out of the situation immediately. I agree with previous posters who say don't talk to new men about the problems you had with the guy before. I'm convinced that abusive men find women who have been abused before and see how far they can push them.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He doesn't owe you details of his medical/emotional history, at least not so early.

That said, you don't owe him a relationship. If you aren't comfortable then walk away now before you become too involved.

His Christmas party is his issue, not yours.

Gosh you have sniffed each other out. Please run a mile you cannot try to rescue another alcoholic, it’s impossible and it will kill you. Especially as he is not abiding by the guidance of AA and his sponsor, he is not able to be trustworthy, yet, if ever.

Whilst I think people can (and do) recover this might be too triggering for you - he's still fairly early stages

You're the most important person, it's what you feel comfortable with