Just so furious....it is a child maintenance one

[Dogstar78]

To cut a VERY long story short. Been waiting 13 years for child maintenance from my ex. He has ducked and dived. I have fought and fought. A couple of times throughout the years I have managed to get a financial investigation completed. One time he was earning 150k a year, this time 60k, which was an estimate.

He was due in court end of October, he didn't appear. They'll set another date and if he doesn't appear again, that's going to be the end of it. They will stop chasing him. How can this be right? If you completely ignore CMS, avoid ever completing a tax return you are home and dry. Apparently the warrant officers can't hold him a cell ahead of the hearing because of prison overcrowding.

I am constantly reminded the debt doesn't go away, but it's all a bit academic when you don't see any payments.

I have resigned myself to the fact I'll never see a penny, but today I just feel furious. I gave up my career for three years to support my son with SEN. I am still financially trying to recover from that. How can we have a government that thinks this is OK? The system was more progressive in Victorian times for getting men to pay for their kids.

Outing him, shaming him just makes me look bitter and twisted. His succession of girlfriends think he is father of the year.

I was/ I guess, still am a victim of coersive control. The courts knew less about this 10 years ago. My ex was told he'd have his access to our son taken away if brought me in again. Post court order he still did as he pleased. I couldn't go back to court again, the stress was making me Ill and I was trying to focus on my son's needs. He went on a mission to try and make sure I lost everything even the home I single handedly provided for his son.

Honestly, how can this be allowed to happen? The government are happy to chase and hound poor carers for a few hundred pounds of carers allowance, but we seem to not be able to anything about these cretins. The longer it goes on, the more untouchable they become.

Thanks for reading. I live in hope that someone that could help me might be reading this.

That's disgusting. How can they just say they'll stop chasing and that's it?! I assume he must be self employed because otherwise they'd be allowed to take it straight from his pay packet. He's an absolute waste of space, as are all men who refuse to pay a penny towards the upbringing of their children.

I had 15 years of Ex ducking and diving. He made occasional payments which seemed to satisfy CMS. Then he’d submit an appeal or ask for his ‘costs’ to be reassessed. I think I asked to be moved to collect and pay approximately 7 times.

DC are now young adults. I’m planning on giving them copies of all the correspondence if they want to see it. But to be honest I think they’ve come to the realisation themselves that he’s a deadbeat.

CMS is a disaster. I’ve closed my case even though I could still technically fight for the tens of thousands in arrears.

Cretin is right, and while you are free of him, wherever he goes, there he will be. His parenting legacy is and will always be crystal clear to the people that matter, primarily his DC. If someone is as determined as he sounds not to do the right thing, they won't. The law is a tool, and it gets it wrong and this is one instance. Allow yourself to feel furious and then channel that fury into something which will benefit you and your DC.

The best thing I ever did was set myself up to expect absolutely nothing. It has meant that I have never once been suprised and have reserved all the energy I would have wasted and used it setting myself up to not need a thing from his direction. I'm not saying I don't have the odd furious moment but he's not getting any energy from me.

Cretins.

Yep, last one 2013.

CMS are a joke. They made a "nil assessment" on my ex and wrote off his previous debts. When i told them he was working, they said I had to prove it. So I sent it proof and they said it might be fake. Ffs.

@canyouletthedogoutplease I love you. That's what I needed this morning. I know this 95% of the time, just having a wobble this morning. My son is nearly 14 is not really wanting to spend time with him now. His tall tales and lies don't impress him/ convince him like they used to. My partner has been in his life since he was about 7 and has shown my son what it takes to be a man and a father.

Also, this should have been my username! Maybe, I'll have canyouletthedogin. That made me chuckle.

Oh yeah, I've had years of nil assessment. I made an official complaint which led to the financial investigation. It's just another thing on top of everything else when you work FT. Am so sorry you are going through this too.

Honestly, fuck em, they will reap what they sow. Leave them in the dust.

Sounds like an anonymous tip off to the taxman might be warranted…

I ha e done that multiple times and to the benefits holiness, throughout the years he was claiming some sort of benefit that meant he disnt have to pay any CMS, but could seemingly work and drive a new BMW.....a head scratcher

Jeez, he’s totally played the system. So sorry for the stress, but it does sound as though your DS has a lovely alt-Dad in your DP. Doesn’t help with the finances, but ultimately he knows he is loved by you both… and that bio Dad is a b*stard.

I have been where you are, an ex who job hopped and then set himself up as a limited company to avoid paying maintenance. I contacted my MP who was very helpful, we went to court and I won - the stupid idiot ex had to provide bank account statements and there were literally thousands being paid into his account from another account. The financial expert on the panel queried where these payments came from and ex replied "from my other account" - yep the one he hadn't provided statements for. Despite thinking he was so clever he was found to be with holding income and I was awarded all my backdated maintenance of around £12000. Now I only actually got to see any of that money last year, so 2 years after court, because ex died suddenly, his prophecy of me getting any money over his dead body came true. Had he not passed away then the debt would most probably still be sitting there. The CMS is totally unfit for purpose and it makes me mad that the Government can chase for over paid benefits but let these deadbeat dads get away without paying maintenance.

The new government need to give the CMS more power. Why the heck don’t they? I’ve never understood this! It’s simply not fair on the women (99% of the time) and children who are left behind. Might even cut the benefit bill.

@Dogstar78 have you tried going down the "lifestyle incompatible with means" route, asking for a mandatory reconsideration used be what triggered the whole appeal process.

Yep, about three times. He is not claiming currently though. He does have a mystery illness that comes when CMS do turn the thumbs screws a bit.

I have the same - I was told to contact my MP. Spoke to someone who works for an MP and they basically told me don’t waste mine or the MP’s time! They have absolutely no power to do anything. Seems ridiculous that this can’t be sorted.

@4boysthatilove I loved reading your message. I think my only hope might be when his mum dies. I think if you can get in quick they can get it then. Honestly don't think it would happen in reality though.
@Soldiersing can you imagine if it was women not paying a man for something....You are so right about the benefit bill, I hadn't considered that.

I was recently visiting my partners family in a Caribbean country where the back of the newspaper has photos of everyone, their name, where they work, where they live that have been through the courts for certain offences e.g not paying for kids, drink driving etc. My partners family said what a good detergent it had been since they started doing it.

It makes me SO angry. My ex earns a decent amount but used to refuse to give me more than he wanted to, i went through CMS and he now does anything he can to make sure i get less money, he moved an hour and a half away and claims his fuel off the maintenenence as a special expense, he's also had 2 more kids so it goes down then. Why should my son be penalised because his dad can't keep it in his pants!? He's driving a mercedes around in new clothes whilst I am on my arse

If this government does one thing it needs to sort out CMS it's an absolute disaster.
We need passports confiscated.
Employers held to account for not garnishing wages.

CMS is such a joke. Why it isn't linked to actual income as reported through HMRC I don't know. DH used to pay through CMS years ago - it was just as shit then - they fucked it up so many times and it was always on him to just suck up the issue and pay. It seems like they can't get it right from either side.

Yep it's a total fucking joke. But not a funny one.

Back in the days when I got Income Support as a lone parent (early 2000s) the CSA (as they were then known) used to ring me up on a Sunday morning every 6 months to ask, very accusingly, if I knew where my ex was living. This was because back then, it saved the DWP money if you got maintenance, because they only let you keep £20/week of it then took the rest off your benefits £ for £. So it was in their interests to find him and get him to pay up. Every single time they rang, I told them where he was living, where he was working, etc. They did....nothing.

Then after 4 years of that, they closed my CSA claim and wrote off the arrears because "he couldn't be traced". They'd been sending letters to his address (he lived with his parents) but because nobody had replied they had decided that meant he didn't live there.

If only any other financial responsibility was so easy to evade! Council tax? Gas bill?

Telling shitty men that they are shitty is apparently impossible. So men don't have to pay for their children; women and girls aren't allowed their own spaces; suggesting that VAWG should actually be termed male violence against women and girls can't be said as it upsets men who aren't violent.

@notatinydancer they could have taken his passport IF he had turned up at court. They can also take away his licence, but am pretty sure he'd continue to drive despite losing it. Tax and MOT doesn't seem to be a thing for him.
@DontReallyCareBear omg that sounds soul destroying.
@YellowRoom don't get me started on your point.

He currently owes a ballpark figure of me purchasing a new mid range 4x4, this amount derives from about 4 years where they pulled their finger out and tried to work out what he was earning. The other years he successfully gave them the run around.

Do they take passports ?
They need arresting and keeping in the cells overnight for court.
can you tell I never got a penny ? 🙄