Just so furious....it is a child maintenance one

[Dogstar78]

To cut a VERY long story short. Been waiting 13 years for child maintenance from my ex. He has ducked and dived. I have fought and fought. A couple of times throughout the years I have managed to get a financial investigation completed. One time he was earning 150k a year, this time 60k, which was an estimate.

He was due in court end of October, he didn't appear. They'll set another date and if he doesn't appear again, that's going to be the end of it. They will stop chasing him. How can this be right? If you completely ignore CMS, avoid ever completing a tax return you are home and dry. Apparently the warrant officers can't hold him a cell ahead of the hearing because of prison overcrowding.

I am constantly reminded the debt doesn't go away, but it's all a bit academic when you don't see any payments.

I have resigned myself to the fact I'll never see a penny, but today I just feel furious. I gave up my career for three years to support my son with SEN. I am still financially trying to recover from that. How can we have a government that thinks this is OK? The system was more progressive in Victorian times for getting men to pay for their kids.

Outing him, shaming him just makes me look bitter and twisted. His succession of girlfriends think he is father of the year.

I was/ I guess, still am a victim of coersive control. The courts knew less about this 10 years ago. My ex was told he'd have his access to our son taken away if brought me in again. Post court order he still did as he pleased. I couldn't go back to court again, the stress was making me Ill and I was trying to focus on my son's needs. He went on a mission to try and make sure I lost everything even the home I single handedly provided for his son.

Honestly, how can this be allowed to happen? The government are happy to chase and hound poor carers for a few hundred pounds of carers allowance, but we seem to not be able to anything about these cretins. The longer it goes on, the more untouchable they become.

Thanks for reading. I live in hope that someone that could help me might be reading this.

I think you're so right, if it helps to take the sting out of it OP, he might come over like he's living the life of riley right now, but when the cars and the holidays and the new girlfriends dry up, he's got to lie there at 3am and wonder where his relationship with his DC went.

If you speak with older people, that's what matters. Not how much money you managed to keep in your pocket. Sad really.

I think we need to organise a mumsnet campaign for increased rules and severe penalties for lack of accountability.

@Revia totally agree. I have no idea how. I will certainly be contacting my MP with a little more vigor. I am truely sorry that so many of us are going through this.

He has moved all his assets into his mums name. He tries as much as possible to be of no fixed address/ cocklodging. This stopped the bailiffs. I honestly think you need to have some sort of mental imbalance to live a life like this. God knows what he'll do when it comes to retirement, with no NI contributions.

Other countries certainly have it right. It really is not hard. He has side stepped all the sanctions listed, because they all involve getting into court. The only way to do this is arrest him, therefore making this a criminal offence. Then things like travellings, getting a job the stuff that matters will be hard. Women should have e the choice on pressing charges. In my case, I'll never see any money from him. The thought of him sharing a cell with a nasty lowlife (worse than him) would be enough.

My son has started doing all the comms. I said you need to tell your dad of you don't want to go. I am going to get the court order cancelled. The only reason I keep it as there are strict regulations about him taking him overseas after an awful incident. His non-payment is part of him trying to still have control over me. The worse thing is that he kept taking me to court for no reason, but when you have nothing you have nothing to lose and I had to fight all this ridiculousness. I said early in the post the judge said he'd cancel his contact if he brought me again. I nearly lost my house and now have a huge mortgage on top of not getting any money. He has never even brought a pair of school shoes!

I'll never be conpletely healed from the abusive relationship. I have completely moved on. Unfortunately/ fortunately I inherited my Dad's very strong sense of justice.

@mumsnet how do we get this campaign going??

@canyouletthedogoutplease as he gets older, he has to find younger women as women of my age are less likely to put up with his shit!

@Dogstar78 my case was back in the 90s, old style, and was honestly no better.
Having provided pay slips, employers name and address and a photograph they still failed my child!
Until... a few weeks after my child (now an adult) buried their father, and I received a letter asking if I wanted to chase him for the money owed?
Bloody ridiculous.
As much as it is galling, be proud that you are raising your child without that 'cretin' and his money. It's tainted, he's tainted.
Men/parents who don't pay for their children deserve nothing. Not even the energy spent being angry.
I definitely wish our system was like the USA system though. There it makes it difficult for absent parents, including in some instances, loss of driving licence and prison.

@EdgeofSeventy I am sure there is a special department that thinks up useless letters to send. I get countless letters about how they have recalculated what he should be giving, which are all academic. They never write to tell me what they are actually doing or communicating any updates.

The last court date he had was to remove driving licence/passport/ prison- one or any of those things but there is no teeth in the law until they make it a criminal offence. So that was a complete waste of tax payers money putting that case together + wasted court time.

i totally agree. The situation is crazy.
Has anyone found any action groups?

Best to let it go OP
Myself and thousands of others never got maintenance.
Don't let it chew your mind
Life was never fair and worse things happen!

If I had a pound for every petition/whatever that I've signed about this I could have afforded not to need the CM!

I'll still sign and back any campaigns though. I disagree completely with @GivingitToGod That you should let it go. The system is shit and needs fixing.

Yes, but at what emotional cost to OP?
Ends up being corrosive to your emotional wellbeing

Absolutely

That's true. But for me personally, struggling to pay the bills for years has also had a negative impact on my emotional wellbeing.

I understand that too.
My finances were in a dire state, I was a student before qualifying and lived on an overdraft for several years.Did lots of overtime too.
I totally understand why people pursue financial support but it becomes so stressful that it becomes corrosive.
Peace of mind is priceless

It's not for me now really, I want to bring about some change for all. Why should we just lay down and put up with this? That is why nothing changes. Agreed blinking loads of change.org things.

It's just the occasional day it gets to you. I also know in my heart of hearts nothing will get better. It's a women's issue, just like the lack of gynalogical care and violence against women.

I think there are a section of men who genuinely believe that the mother of their children is out to get them. I think this is the same kind of guy who take no interest/responsibility for the kids when they are together with their paretner and just let their wife/girlfriend pay for everything for the kids when they were together and just genuinely have no clue how much clothes, clubs, books, toys, crafts, birthday presents for classmates, Christmas stocking presents, school PTA/sponsored events, non uniform days, Christmas raffles and all the other incidental things that many mums just sort out. When they are suddenly asked for half they feel it is a huge amount because they weren't paying anything towards that sort of thing before!

The sound as bad as CSA that wrote of loads of people’s debts and send letters saying they r no longer chasing the parent for the money.

The best thing I ever did was set myself up to expect absolutely nothing. It has meant that I have never once been suprised and have reserved all the energy I would have wasted and used it setting myself up to not need a thing from his direction

This. By the bucketful. In my case, 15 years and counting. I never opened a CMS case when the CSA closed. I've managed. My kids are fully aware of the game playing and judge him for it in a very negative way. I am very clearly their priority and he cannot stand it. Karma was a long time coming but it came.

Play the long game. Be proud of all you do.

I brought my DC’s up alone too with hardly ever any financial support ( I mentioned his game playing above).

Yes I did it, worked hard, gave them what I could, have brought them up to work hard too and I'm proud of that.

But their DF chose to have children. He should be accountable and accept his responsibilities, not be able to opt out.

Why should the tax payer pick up his share of financial responsibility? He earned the same ( going back I was part-time and qualified for child care support).

Why should he be able to call the shots? “If you need money, ask me” - absolutely not, you have a duty.

Why should another man ( my partner) be willing to contribute to the life of DC’s who are not even his, even ending up in the tax system due to child benefit. More scrutiny of him than of their DF.

Why isn't their DF mortified that another man is contributing to the life of his children including supporting them through uni. ( then demands tickets and shows up at the graduation).

Why is it that my Ex could claim a larger discount in his maintenance payments for one child ( his partners, who lived with them 50% of the time) than the amount he was supposed to pay for all of his own. Maintenance per month was less than the cost of their school dinners.

And for some Karma, in my case not really. DC’s don't want to give an opinion, they aren't that concerned with the happenings between us.

Yes I agree with this:

Why isn't their DF mortified that another man is contributing to the life of his children including supporting them through uni. ( then demands tickets and shows up at the graduation).

I don't get, and will never understand, how my ex could happily watch another person pay for his child. Then expect to be included in their life, having not contributed a penny.

Shameful isn't it!