Just so furious....it is a child maintenance one

[Dogstar78]

To cut a VERY long story short. Been waiting 13 years for child maintenance from my ex. He has ducked and dived. I have fought and fought. A couple of times throughout the years I have managed to get a financial investigation completed. One time he was earning 150k a year, this time 60k, which was an estimate.

He was due in court end of October, he didn't appear. They'll set another date and if he doesn't appear again, that's going to be the end of it. They will stop chasing him. How can this be right? If you completely ignore CMS, avoid ever completing a tax return you are home and dry. Apparently the warrant officers can't hold him a cell ahead of the hearing because of prison overcrowding.

I am constantly reminded the debt doesn't go away, but it's all a bit academic when you don't see any payments.

I have resigned myself to the fact I'll never see a penny, but today I just feel furious. I gave up my career for three years to support my son with SEN. I am still financially trying to recover from that. How can we have a government that thinks this is OK? The system was more progressive in Victorian times for getting men to pay for their kids.

Outing him, shaming him just makes me look bitter and twisted. His succession of girlfriends think he is father of the year.

I was/ I guess, still am a victim of coersive control. The courts knew less about this 10 years ago. My ex was told he'd have his access to our son taken away if brought me in again. Post court order he still did as he pleased. I couldn't go back to court again, the stress was making me Ill and I was trying to focus on my son's needs. He went on a mission to try and make sure I lost everything even the home I single handedly provided for his son.

Honestly, how can this be allowed to happen? The government are happy to chase and hound poor carers for a few hundred pounds of carers allowance, but we seem to not be able to anything about these cretins. The longer it goes on, the more untouchable they become.

Thanks for reading. I live in hope that someone that could help me might be reading this.

This is highly concerning and absolutely outrageous.

OP I've been a lone parent for 15 years with nothing from the ex, he's most recently in prison and also been out of the country for a long time so super hard situation.

I'd have absolutely no qualms publicly outing him though on Linked in or Facebook if he was actually working.

Tell him you'll take the post down once he pays the arrears.

My ‘dad’ did the same. We don’t have a relationship. My half siblings can’t understand why he was so shit towards me and it’s affected their relationship with him.

it doesn’t help my mum now after all those years of struggles, but I couldn’t get past it as an adult.

I didnt get a single penny for the whole of my DSs time at home. He went abroad to escape paying.
But this is a man who gave me a plastic bracelet for xmas.

Have you contacted your MP to see whether he/she can help?

Yep. Before he quit his job, and then didn't tell them he had a new one, I sent proof that he wasn't living with his new partner as he claimed, and therefore the reduction for her dc needed to be removed. They told me that's not what he said, and the reduction stayed

They are a total waste of time and money.

DC are adults now, so I can't claim anymore, even if I could prove he was working.

Every day I think I’m more convinced the world hates women and wants us to suffer. It’s such a joke. Except it’s not funny.

HMRC really don't care sadly. They ignore the majority of reports they receive.

If the government wanted to save money and lift women and children out of poverty they would put the onus on non-resident parents to tell their employers of any children they should be making CMS payments for instead of putting the onus on the residential parent to chase for it. If it was a criminal offence to not pay for children in the same way that it is an offence to drive without tax or insurance then people would make sure they had their affairs in order. It is the fact they know there are no consequences that people (mainly men) continue to evade payments and others (mainly women) continue to struggle and sacrifice and rely on government top ups.

Im confused. Do you not get any child support? How can that be considered fair?
We're abroad and I can claim child support from social services, who will in turn reclaim it from my ex. He can go to prison for non-payment. It means I don't have to get involved in the legal bit once I've applied to social services to take over. I do have to prove that I've tried to claim it from him and that he's refused, though.

Many women (usually women) in the UK don't get maintenance. The CMS do nothing.
We cannot claim it from any government agency.
There's no punishment.
They just get away with it.

@thepariscrimefiles I have a couple of times. I never got anywhere with them, will try again. I have waves of battling this, between the waves of battling the LA, CAMHS and other agencies known purely as an acronym for my son. This is my 'downtime' activity between working FT, running a home and trying to look after my disabled mum. I was asked what I do to cope with my stress by a nutritionalist the other day. I blankly looked at her and said absolutely nothing. 😂

@notatinydancer they can take the passport, but he has to attend court. Apparently warrant officers previously would detain them in a local cell to make sure they were at court They don't now because they have no space. They don't arrest, it's not a criminal offence.

So they can do it in other countries!
Why not in the UK?

I was on instagram or tick tok and there’s a very bizzare poster putting up posts than women are more abusive than men, and asking them for child support is akin to abuse of men/against their rights etc, it’s pretty horrible. Goes on to to say they should demand 50:50 but not to buy clothes etc that’s the mothers job as kids need that anyway etc and that we should be given vouchers or have to prove what their money pays for,l I can totally see that this is how many men think, this person is just angry and bitter, many agreeing though so they are all rubbing their hands together saving £ on their own kids. Do they not realise one day the kids will know who was there, who paid for everything and kept them warm and dry. I certainly did and my kids know their dad didn’t contribute.

I'm not sure why that isn't being done in the UK. We also don't have 50:50 as the starting point and child maintenance isn't calculated according to nights spent at the other parent's house. So, if DS were to spend 6 nights every fortnight with ex and 8 nights with me, he'd still be liable for full child maintenance. (This is what ex wants but I don't think he's looked at the rules. We currently do every other weekend Fri pm to Mon am and one night in the alternate week.) I'd obviously buy stuff such as clothes, shoes, etc.
He also has to pay half of school fees and nursery costs. No ridiculous idea of "you only pay for childcare on the days they are with you". Nonsense. Childcare is booked for the entire week, no matter where the child is. I don't think we've got any nursery contracts for individual days here.
Social services will calculate everything (he's got a legally set amount he's entitled to keep) and then go after him if he doesn't pay. I think they would even dock his pay, so his employer would be aware. This wouldn't change, even if ex moved back to the UK.
It costs the government money, though. I've got friends, where the fathers cannot be traced because they are abroad. They still get paid but social services simply cannot reclaim it.

It's the same in Sweden. If the other parent stops paying maintenance their debt gets taken over by the state who will pay the mother (usually) and if the parent doesn't repay the state it will be deducted from their salary. So either way, the mother doesn't have to go without money and the father won't get away without paying.

This country is psthetic. They need to come down hard on these people.

They rang my ex and he told them he couldn't afford to pay a penny

While sat in the 5* hotel on his expensive holiday aboard (with his latest girlfriend who swallowed the whole 'she'll only spend it on herself),sipping his expensive drinks and wearing his new expensive clothes and his new car that was sat on the driveway,waiting for him to come home

They seemed to say 'OK mate no worries' and then wrote off the whole debt

He owes me thousands of pounds but I will never see a penny

He still has the nerve to chase me down the street,(if i go back to my hometown-hes done this for years) screaming that he's paid for my clothes (I've always paid for my own clothes),nails (never had my nails done) and hair (I pay for that myself) and that he's sick of me spending his money

In total,over 27 years,I've had the grand total of a quid

I did try not to spend it all at once...

It would make so much sense to implement this sort of system into the Uk.
I can't see any politician having the moral courage to do this here though.

I don’t understand why successive governments haven’t cracked down on this. Seize assets, seize earnings, stop passports, make it a criminal offence

It is a disgrace. My Ex fought every step of the way too. Lied to the CMS (which I proved via his bosses) despite being a policeman.

CMS were appalling. At one stage they asked him if he could start to pay £2.00 per week off his arrears ( of thousands). His response was he couldn't afford to do that.

I rang CMS to question his refusal, the staff member assured me they were trying to have another conversation about it, but hadn't been able to contact him. She was very sympathetic to his financial issues, but would keep trying.

I assured her, that she would be able to contact him soon, once he returned from his three week skiing trip in the French Alps! 😡

Unfortunately I cannot give you any hope that the system will benefit you, it won’t.
The only thing you can do is put yourself and your child first.
Stop being amiable to your dick ex.
If it doesn’t suit you to let him have your child on x date then don’t facilitate it.
Cut down or reduce communication with him.
If your child doesn’t want to see his father then that’s fine.
Unfortunately many people fall for the ‘ bitter ex,’ bullshit.
I would only communicate via email and block his number on your phone. Even better, let your son communicate with him, if that is possible. These measures will help remove him slowly from your thoughts.
I believe that men who avoid maintenance payments should have their assets seized. Never going to happen though.
I also believe that maintenance should be substantial so much so that once a man has fathered children to two women, he should not be financially able to breed with a third.
Chin up op. You are doing an amazing job.

I've said many times that the child maintenance system in this country is institutionally misogynistic. Yes, male primary carers suffer too but since they account for only 11% of single parents we can easily see who this has most impact (other than the children).

I never received any money/clothes/assistance from my ex either. He gave up contact by the time they were 4. Unsurprisingly, my now adult DC want nothing to do with him. He has a chronic health condition now which means he is dying, slowly, and he's lonely. I actually feel quite sorry for him and had a chat with the DC about not losing the opportunity to say goodbye. Still not interested. Ultimately he's reaping the rewards of his own behaviour.

I don't believe in karma/fate other than the idea that your character strongly influences your life, but in this case karma really has bitten him.

It should be a criminal offence. Shows up on DBS etc. It’s a disgrace.