BF spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Skiing Vacation with EXW and kids.

[ThatCosyAnt]

I've been seeing someone for just under two years now. He is divorced with two children. The children are 18 and 14. I have never been married and have no children. A few issues have come up in this relationship. (We live in the US, FYI.)

The ex-wife didn't want the divorce and pushed the idea of an open relationship to him as she's religious and didn't want to be divorced. He said no. Divorced her. This was 5 years ago now. (I met him 3 years after the divorce was final).

My boyfriend and his ex-wife still take every vacation together as a family. About 3 Intl trips a year - and 4 domestic trips a year. He said this was because the youngest child (14) took the divorce badly and wants them to keep doing family vacations - just the four of them. I don't really have a problem with this, but I guess I wanted to know how 'normal' this is. I tend to work a lot (MD) so it's not like I don't have a life, family, friends etc...

This Thanksgiving, he told me he was taking the kids to see his family (his Mom, brother, nieces, nephews etc...) and then let slip that his ex-wife was coming along. I think he wasn't planning on that slipping out. The same thing happened regarding Christmas - and a family vacation post Christmas. It seems like things tend to slip out of his mouth, which is infuriating. I'd rather he just be upfront and honest. I worked out that the only free time he would have to spend with me in December/holiday season would be Boxing Day - and a weekend before Christmas. 13-15th.

Before anyone pounces at me, I fully understand the need/desire to spend time with one's children. I understand that everyone has traditions that they may like to maintain etc...

As this is the first person I've dated who has had children, I guess my question is twofold. I know there's no real 'normal' as no two families are the same - but how normal is this? I say that with no ill intent or bitchiness.

Moreover, should I just jump ship - and find someone without all the baggage? If the relationship were to end, it wouldn't be malicious or drama-filled. I'm aware that two good people can simply not be compatible. At this point, it seems to be more headache than anything else. I get all the simmering emotions - and he just can't relate to how I feel from time to time.

I’d jump ship. You have to be free that one day because it’s all he’s left for you ti see him at Christmas after 2 years. That’s a no from me. Book yourself a holiday for Christmas.

This is not normal at all. I don’t know 1 divorced family with kids that does this. It’s not just 1 holiday it’s many per year and he’s spending more leisure time with his ex wife than you. Also after 2 years he hasn’t spoken to you about your plans and his and agreed joint days to spend together, you’ve been left the scraps.

I would swiftly exit this relationship, he doesn’t respect you and the dynamic with his ex wife is very strange

Jump ship ASAP.

She has a boyfriend?

I think she may have got her wish and you are in an open relationship. Move on not worth it,his ex wife is there all the time! .

Jump ship or request that you are also welcome to accompany your boyfriend on any one or some or parts of these holidays.
Its now been five years and the 14 year old should be introduced to the fact that you are the partner of her father.
It is a strange set upwhere the exwife gets to spend days and days with your partner every year.

I would be serious about the issue being a deal breaker.
I would also need to understand the time frame.
Is the holiday routine going to stop once the youngest reaches a certain age?

She does indeed have a new BF, but that's as of recently - about 4-5 months ago. Her new BF has kids of his own though, so he's fairly committed around the holidays himself.

Your bf is still in a relationship with his wife.

He's openly acknowledged that the 14 year old doesn't want him to have a new partner - and that she wants her parents back together - or at the very minimum for him to at least be single - so I think he thinks he can pretend things are still 'normal'. I feel like I can't say anything about their setup since it is not my place nor my family.

In fairness, in the early days of the relationship, I was largely focused on my residency so his setup didn't bother me so much, but it's been years now - and nothing has changed. I don't suspect anything will change for a number of years going forward - hence my question about jumping ship.

I'd find someone with less baggage. I mean everyone has some baggage but this guy is well over the weight limit.

BTW if you're in the US, how come you have Boxing Day? I thought that was a British and commonwealth holiday.

my parents did this and I always felt sorry for his girlfriend. We took trips and she would stay home and water the plants. I felt so sorry for her and thought she didn't have any self respect. I think it is wonderful he is committed to his children and that he and his wife can co parent and continue to act as family--they are forever linked through their children. But this is a little over the top and if he is not amenable to at least including you I would leave.

I think its great when 2 separated people can co-parent. However, this isn't that. They're just kicking the can down the road with the youngest too.

I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone knowing they'd never spend the holidays or important events with me. 1 day over the entire festive period is a piss take. Being a secret after 2 years is a piss take. Your partner spending all his holiday time with his ex wife is a piss take. I'd be off.

I'm British (born in London) and American thanks to my GS status. He's not British. So my family are in the UK (but my parents have both passed). Another reason why holidays are awkward as I'd have either have to fly to London to be with extended family or be working or on my own (or with friends) in the US.

For what it’s worth, my parents split up when I was 7 and my father spent Christmases and a summer holiday, and sometimes another week of each year with my mother, brother and me. The holidays lasted until both my brother and I had left school and Christmases until we’d both left uni. My parents did not sleep together. He shared my brother’s bedroom when he stayed. My mother wanted a reconciliation in the earlier years, but my father did not. Doesn’t mean this is what’s happening with your BF, but it’s not impossible.

Having said that, I think you should jump ship. He’s not available for you while this is going on. And who knows what he’ll really want once he’s no longer committed for all the “family” holidays?

Your dp is deceiving his dd.
How is she ever going to deal with change in her life.
The first year is understandable. But five years on. Ridiculous.

If this guy really loved you he would make it work.
Do you holiday together?
If not you are getting the scraps because men don’t care where they have sex and he doesn’t even have to put any effort in.

I agree. To be clear, I have obviously met his children. The son was no issue. The daughter was an issue and has openly said she wanted her parents back together. After that, he decided to 'compartmentalize' the relationship.

We do holiday together and we do lots of trips to upstate NY (his home state and where I now live), but everything is (rightly) centered around our working lives - but largely his children - which is understandable as they should come first.

I guess the issue is - he's never once taken a trip anywhere with just his kids though. Literally every tip is a 'family trip'. They took a 4 week Summer vacation in the south of France that nearly ended our relationship. I don't see anything changing - at the minimum - for another 4-5 years. He's taken them for days out (hiking) which is lovely and great - but it feels like he's very enmeshed with his ex-wife - who rules the roost. But it's not her fault, it's his issue.

I don't even think joint holidays/Christmases is that unusual. In this case, it's just the sheer number of holidays/events etc... the contrast is stark regarding their enmeshment. I think it's great when parents can be on good terms/co-parent, but in their case, I wouldn't even say they get on well, which is bizarre to me.

Once he's no longer committed to the family holidays? I suspect that will be in a minimum of 4-5 years (when the youngest is 18) - and even then, I think he'll still be committed to said holidays.

Jump ship asap.

Do you know the sleeping arrangements when they’re away?

You are spending the best years of your life as a second class citizen. This is not normal (I say this as a stepmother of 28 years) and the fact that he is happy to leave you alone for all the holidays says it all. The man has no backbone and in trying to placate his ex and DC he has made you pay the price, not him. Turn the tables and take a nice long holiday to the UK over Christmas while you make your plans to leave him.

Just end it. This relationship cannot grow. Give yourself a chance to meet someone who can/wants to spend holidays with you and build meaningful relationships that actually has future.

I just wanted to say how very fair, balanced and insightful you are in your discussion of the situation, OP.

He might be trying to do an admirable thing but I don't think it's doing anyone any favours five years on. I think it's really good of you to be so accepting but I also think you deserve a boyfriend who is a bit more present in your own life.

I can’t say if it’s normal or not but I’d jump ship. You deserve better and to be a priority.

agree.
also, do you want to have children? you sound considerably younger if you just finished residency. You bring a lot to the table and this guy doesn’t seem to take your feelings into account.

Youve wasted 2 years don't waste any more. I would maybe understand at a push one holiday a year but there is no need for the 7 holidays a year to include him. Madness. Do they sleep in the same bed during these trips?

I understand wanting a good Co parenting relationship. I have one with my ex. This Christmas I'm picking the kids up from my ex with my husband. We'll all have breakfast together, exchange gifts and then leave. That's as friendly as it needs to be.

Jump ship he won't give you what you need

Another vote for jumping ship here.
Don't waste any more time on him.