BF spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Skiing Vacation with EXW and kids.

[ThatCosyAnt]

I've been seeing someone for just under two years now. He is divorced with two children. The children are 18 and 14. I have never been married and have no children. A few issues have come up in this relationship. (We live in the US, FYI.)

The ex-wife didn't want the divorce and pushed the idea of an open relationship to him as she's religious and didn't want to be divorced. He said no. Divorced her. This was 5 years ago now. (I met him 3 years after the divorce was final).

My boyfriend and his ex-wife still take every vacation together as a family. About 3 Intl trips a year - and 4 domestic trips a year. He said this was because the youngest child (14) took the divorce badly and wants them to keep doing family vacations - just the four of them. I don't really have a problem with this, but I guess I wanted to know how 'normal' this is. I tend to work a lot (MD) so it's not like I don't have a life, family, friends etc...

This Thanksgiving, he told me he was taking the kids to see his family (his Mom, brother, nieces, nephews etc...) and then let slip that his ex-wife was coming along. I think he wasn't planning on that slipping out. The same thing happened regarding Christmas - and a family vacation post Christmas. It seems like things tend to slip out of his mouth, which is infuriating. I'd rather he just be upfront and honest. I worked out that the only free time he would have to spend with me in December/holiday season would be Boxing Day - and a weekend before Christmas. 13-15th.

Before anyone pounces at me, I fully understand the need/desire to spend time with one's children. I understand that everyone has traditions that they may like to maintain etc...

As this is the first person I've dated who has had children, I guess my question is twofold. I know there's no real 'normal' as no two families are the same - but how normal is this? I say that with no ill intent or bitchiness.

Moreover, should I just jump ship - and find someone without all the baggage? If the relationship were to end, it wouldn't be malicious or drama-filled. I'm aware that two good people can simply not be compatible. At this point, it seems to be more headache than anything else. I get all the simmering emotions - and he just can't relate to how I feel from time to time.

Yes, they are always in separate rooms. If at a push, he'll sleep in the same room as his son. That's usually the case at Thanksgiving - when everyone flies in/out and the house is full etc... To be honest, it's not the nitty gritty details that bother me, more the larger picture. But I get your point/question. When I've expressed my feelings, he doesn't get defensive or anything of the sort, but on a practical level nothing changes the next time - and as we get into the holiday season again - things just get/feel worse.

I think you have been extremely tolerant over your BF' s behaviour.
I'll be honest a lifestyle where people get so many holidays a year is outwith my life experience. And I don't understand how a 14 year old girl gets to dictate her father 's life and your life.
The thing I do understand is expecting you to be a bystander in his life and be available when it suits his schedule is just so disrespectful to you.
I would end the relationship.

Jump ship Op, you're arranging your life around his exw and DC and that won't change for a few years at least. It's as if his divorce never happened and you're getting scraps of his time, your more like the other woman than his girlfriend

My first thought is how inappropriate it is a 14 year old is dictating to all the adults. She's manipulating everyone.
What does she have to say about Ex wife's new boyfriend?

Funnily enough, the daughter has no problem with her Mom dating, but doesn't want her Dad dating. Whereas the son was wary of his Mom dating, but had no issue with his Dad dating. To be fair to the son, he's older as well (18) so isn't so bothered by things and the divorce was no surprise to him.

My partner said it was just that daughters and their Dads have a special connection - and sons and their Moms have a special connection.

You deserve much more than being bottom of the pile op. The exw clearly calling the shots divorce or no divorce. Stop being a mug here. Its not normal. Get yourself a dbf who puts you first.

He’s happily putting your feelings behind those of everyone else and is trying to make it sound normal. You’re on your own, with no family around you, but he’s still leaving you lonely and going off with his ex and family. Is this really what you want from a relationship? All about what suits him?

I don’t think he’s cheating on you or anything sinister like that, but I do think that he’s very weak. If you stay with him on this basis, the spoilt daughter will forever be calling the shots.

If you feel that he’s a good man, maybe give him a chance. Make it clear that the odd coffee with his ex is fine but that you won’t tolerate holidays any more. If he then continues with this behaviour regardless you can end it knowing you tried your best.

In your mind jump ahead .... his children are getting married and you are not invited. Then he has grandchildren and you are not allowed to see them.

His ex and daughter see you as the other woman and will never allow you into his life fully. I would just let this man go.

He needs to give his head a wobble. It's not normal to go on holiday with your ex four times a year because a child has a dream of parents reuniting.

It must be very confusing for her. The patents need to make it obvious that this won't happen by taking separate holidays.

You've had the patience of a saint. If he's planning on continuing this way I think I'd bale out.

Interesting that so many assume this arrangement is being driven by the ex and OP’s BF is weakly going along with it. This despite the BF seemingly being so happy with the arrangement there are roughly seven holidays per year.

Jump ship OP. This situation is what your BF wants. He is showing you where his priorities lie.

You will never be his priority.
You deserve better than this.
Walk away while you are still young enough to find someone else and have a family of your own.
He thinks he's some kind of hero, he isn't. He's spineless.

Nah.

That wouldn't work for me OP and it doesn't work for you either.

It's like you're his mistress.

What would happen if you were to have family with your BF?

If this was the first year of dating done vacations were booked before you got together then I’d say suck it up but he is way too enmeshed with the ex. You may never get to spend Thanksgiving with him as he would be too busy taking ex, the kids and grandkids to see his parents.

If you were in his shoes, he would have dumped you. I assume that ex hasn’t had a partner either because it’s strange that a couple who have been divorced for years are taking so many vacations together. Does he pay for the vacations and sleep in the same room as ex?

Nothing would change.

The frequent family holidays - roughly seven per year at up to four weeks at a time - are what he wants. If he was acquiescing to the arrangement there would be fewer holidays and for a shorter duration. The new family would fit in around the existing family and remain compartmentalised.

This is where there is a disconnect. He seems to think it's 'for the good of the family'.

I highly doubt nothing would change. Thankfully, I'm planning my exit. We talked today - and he agreed I was getting 'short changed'. I think it's dead in the water. I'd be very surprised if the relationship lasted until the end of the year. I have no ill will towards him actually. The dynamic and setup just doesn't work for me - and frankly, I don't think it would work for anyone.

She has actually started seeing someone, but it's relatively new. As in 4-5 months new. He's got kids of his own though, so it's not like he'd be alone during the holiday season (Thanksgiving/Christmas).

He pays for literally everything. Pays for all the school fees, their clothing, food (for them all). She lives in the marital home (mortgage free)... and yes, he pays for them all to go on these trips.

I’m not suprised she wants to continue the trips away then if he’s paying for it all! She would be stupid too not want to go.

Yes no wonder she is hanging in to him, he's a cash cow. She's on to a good thing.

You sound like a good and nice person, and you deserve to be your partners priority, not some convenient add-on.
Find a better man.

Come on op, this man has no respect for you. 4 weeks away in the summer with ex wife and dc, How did you get past that?

That is a LOT of holidays for a married family … let alone a divorced one!
Sounds like he wants family life but not the full time responsibilities.
I think he using you for a bit of fun as he got bored in his marriage.