BF spending Thanksgiving/Christmas/Skiing Vacation with EXW and kids.

[ThatCosyAnt]

I've been seeing someone for just under two years now. He is divorced with two children. The children are 18 and 14. I have never been married and have no children. A few issues have come up in this relationship. (We live in the US, FYI.)

The ex-wife didn't want the divorce and pushed the idea of an open relationship to him as she's religious and didn't want to be divorced. He said no. Divorced her. This was 5 years ago now. (I met him 3 years after the divorce was final).

My boyfriend and his ex-wife still take every vacation together as a family. About 3 Intl trips a year - and 4 domestic trips a year. He said this was because the youngest child (14) took the divorce badly and wants them to keep doing family vacations - just the four of them. I don't really have a problem with this, but I guess I wanted to know how 'normal' this is. I tend to work a lot (MD) so it's not like I don't have a life, family, friends etc...

This Thanksgiving, he told me he was taking the kids to see his family (his Mom, brother, nieces, nephews etc...) and then let slip that his ex-wife was coming along. I think he wasn't planning on that slipping out. The same thing happened regarding Christmas - and a family vacation post Christmas. It seems like things tend to slip out of his mouth, which is infuriating. I'd rather he just be upfront and honest. I worked out that the only free time he would have to spend with me in December/holiday season would be Boxing Day - and a weekend before Christmas. 13-15th.

Before anyone pounces at me, I fully understand the need/desire to spend time with one's children. I understand that everyone has traditions that they may like to maintain etc...

As this is the first person I've dated who has had children, I guess my question is twofold. I know there's no real 'normal' as no two families are the same - but how normal is this? I say that with no ill intent or bitchiness.

Moreover, should I just jump ship - and find someone without all the baggage? If the relationship were to end, it wouldn't be malicious or drama-filled. I'm aware that two good people can simply not be compatible. At this point, it seems to be more headache than anything else. I get all the simmering emotions - and he just can't relate to how I feel from time to time.

I mean it sounds like she got her open relationship really. Family time continues on as does family holiday. They both just sleep with other people.

Definitely don’t waste anymore years with this man especially if you want children. But just for your own self worth.

I know 2 people who go on holidays with their ex and children (and it goes well). I think it’s great when people get on well enough to be able to do this. However I am surprised at the amount of holidays your partner is taking with this set up. It leaves very little room for you, basically you always come last and will never spend holidays with him. Whether you’re ok with this is up to you. You have a right to ask him how long he is planning to continue doing it this way (ie this often). You also have a right as his partner to say you want to spend holidays with him. Of course, it’s up to him to decide whether he takes your wishes on board and changes anything and you need to decide what you will do if he isn’t willing to spend holidays with you in the foreseeable future. (For example, he might decide to spend less holidays with ex, but still want to spend as many holidays as possible with his kids -without you. How would you feel about that?).

What the hell???? It sounds like HE’s not willing to let go of the family set up but wants sex with someone else.

Jump ship before you waste more time on this friend with benefits

I think he is treating you like a very convenient mistress. He has managed to cling onto his family life, have sex regularly with someone else and have a companion when his daughter is otherwise occupied.

I would stay with him if you are happy to be in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you.

I would agree it’s like you’re the mistress in his life which is doing you a massive disservice. I don’t think long term it’s healthy for the 14 year old to “compartmentalise” their fathers relationships and I don’t think many (if any) women would be happy with his current set up.

She is religious so didn’t want a divorce, but was ok with the idea of an open relationship?!

Yep! It makes no sense. (Twice divorced rather).

UPDATE: I've been MIA on this post. Apologies for any posts I have missed. We spoke since - and he acknowledges that it is an unusual setup (again) but continues to double down on the fact that they aren't enmeshed and are solely co-parents. He got very mad at the fact that I said they were essentially still acting as if they are married. No answer on if anything would ever change one day - or where we could go from here.

I do believe they aren't sleeping together etc... and I know that his ex-wife is dating someone new - but it's clear that we've reached an impasse.

Just under 2 years is quite a bit of time to invest in this one-sided relationship. You deserve someone of your own and not just accept the crumbs that drop from his ex’s table. Walk away with your head held high and set your expectations higher. You are worth it.

It must feel like you are a 'bit on the side' no real commitment to you or spending special time and celebrating together.

Sounds awful

Jump ship @ThatCosyAnt he's shown you that you are not important

Thanks for the update OP.
He isn't going to budge in this. He has chosen his path, you don't have to take it with him.
He's not going to accommodate you or your feelings. If he was decent he'd understand and let you go.
He isn't, you need to put yourself first and move on.

You deserve better.

This isn’t normal and your gut instinct is telling you that.

This.

Don't accept his scraps OP. You deserve more than that.

You’ve reached the point where you find a way to be OK with their set-up or walk away.

He’s not giving you any other options and you can’t go on feeling the way you do. It’s not fair on either of you to keep replaying these discussions.