Adult step children- are they rude and grabby or am I BU?

[Londonismyjam]

I’d really like some help with this situation as Christmas is approaching and I want to get it right for my DGrandchildren.

My husband and I married in our 50’s, second marriage for both of us. We have 2 children each, all grown up and married and all with DGC. My adult step children (DM47, DD 44) are each married with DGC and live some distance away. We usually get together with them around Christmas/New Year.

We like to post presents to make sure that the DGC have something to open on Christmas Day. They’re all primary school age. We always ask the parents first for ideas on what the children would like and the answers have ranged from household equipment (think when decorating their new bedrooms) to money for their bank accounts.

For context, we sent flowers to our Step DIL for her birthday. We had no reply and when my husband asked if they had arrived, he was told by his son, ‘Yes but we (!) have a houseful of flowers and we would rather have had money.’
This is what I found so rude. And controlling tbh.

Also for context my own adult children are slightly younger and just tell me what presents they would like me to buy.

We’re happy to put money into bank accounts for my DStepGC but it just seems very impersonal for youngish children and I feel sad that they won’t get to open anything on Christmas Day. I’m not even sure that the children know that we have given them money.
I think that of course we will go along with the parents wishes and put money in and can understand that but perhaps also send a tiny ‘stocking filler’ to each child.

Trying to avoid any drip feeds:
I wasn’t the OW, we met when we were both divorced.
Adult Stepchildren seemed glad that their dad had met someone.
They’re not a very close family and step son is ND.
I’ve used the words Step only so that it’s clear which DGC I’m talking about.

Any ideas? What would you do?

I thi k I'd go with the parent wishes
ic theyvrequest monies, I'd send a card to the child and a small gift to open to open on the day

(and I just might mention in the card that I hope they spend the monies we sent on something fun).

I think that was extremely rude about the flowers

I think this is just how they do things, op, and how they were raised

I'd never not send a thank you note for my gift and would never say what your step son did but maybe they're just more blunt?

If they're happy with money, it's one less job for you! Then when they come, I'd suggest a small cuddly toy? Or some clothes? x

I’m with you OP . I don’t think it’s good to give primary school children money.
I’d ask each grandchild what they really like at the moment and then post on here and get something those lines - I’m sure we can help.

Money is far too impersonal for younger grandchildren .

What about book tokens for somewhere like Waterstones? Even young children would get enjoyment out of choosing a book.

Also think that was a very rude thing to say about the flowers.

Can you ask the grandkids themselves?

I hate flowers as a gift. So impersonal and a naff thing to send for a birthday (imo). No thought what so ever.

Book tokens is a much better idea in the future.

Book tokens a good idea, thanks

If DSS is ND he might not see anything rude about what he said. Money and small gift, another small gift when you see them because you wanted to see them open it, maybe something you can play with with them. My DS loved a travel version of Guess Who that I got in Aldi, Uno, bouncy balls, bubbles, balloons, mini lego sets, Mr Men and Little Miss books, animal key ring torches, novelty Christmas chocolate like reindeer and so on, Christmas pencils and erasers, or any novelty type ones, mugs with Mr Men characters or characters from tv or video games, t-shirts of the same. You could also take them on a day out somewhere and find out what they like.

Edited to add he also loved getting book tokens.

Worried I’d be seen as going over the parents heads tbh

My mum always sent money and we used it to go book shopping after Christmas.

The kids really looked forward to it. They got to choose.

She still bought something small for them to open on Christmas Day (they are 24 and she still does!) but honestly mine really
Enjoyed the annual book shopping trip.

I don't think they are being rude. It's a son talking to his dad - you seem to be (no offence) the kind of person who likes to do the same things others do - send flowers, etc, be conventional. Not everyone likes that and within a family I think it's reasonable to say that actually you would prefer otherwise.

I'd leave it all to your husband. If you share finances, agree on a budget for Christmas presents and let him get on with it.

I'm not sure I'd be particularly impressed with flowers as a birthday gift, to be honest, but their response was unnecessarily rude.

I don't see an issue with kids getting money - that's what I always received from my grandparents growing up.

I don’t mind sending money, just (slightly) concerned that the children won’t get to actually spend it, it will just stay in their ISA style bank accounts.

I get what you are saying about nice to send a gift but by primary school most dc have way too much and it can be hard to come up with a relatively modest priced gift as a suggestion. Quite often when dc really want is to save up for higher priced tech, especially as they get towards secondary aged, branded clothes are also popular but perhaps more than the parents know you want to spend

Good point re families

How about putting a ten pound note (or whatever) in the children's cards and and adding a small gift, maybe a book or scarf which would be easy to post?
Incredibly rude about the flowers! If they don't want flowers in future it would be helpful to say in time for the next birthday that a bottle of sparkling wine or some chocolate truffles or this particular bath oil would be lovely because she doesn't usually treat herself to those.

It sounds as though the point about the flowers could have been expressed more tactfully, but there's nothing wrong in principle with letting someone know not to waste their money on something that isn't appreciated.

It's the suggestion of money instead that's grabby. If you're letting someone know not to buy a particular type of gift then the only polite way to do this is say they don't need to buy you a gift at all - and leave it to the giver if they want to give money/something else.

I doubt the GC will have nothing to open on Xmas day - just not from you.

Are you worried that the money won't get to the children? Can you pay it directly into the children's accounts or send a cheque made out to the children and not the parents?
Would definitely give a small present to unwrap and maybe some chocolate or sweets too when you see them over Christmas assuming a visit is planned at some stage. Sometimes a present given at a different time is more appreciated that lots all at once and then the children know exactly who it's from.

They were rude about the flowers. Even if I was given something I didn’t particularly like I would still send a thank you acknowledgement but I guess not everyone is the same.
i would give money if that’s what they ask for. I have an adult SC and SGC and SC is very specific about what we can and cannot buy and yes they usually ask for money too. SGC gets a lot (all through the year and not just Xmas and birthdays) so we don’t want to buy stuff they have already or that won’t be played with.
SC asked DH for money for birthday/Christmas months ago. I leave the organising to DH as I do feel the attitude is a little grabby

The sad truth is that by a certain age money is easier - most of the presents we get now for mine are money

I'd probably do something like an amazon or argos card sent directly to GC for moderate amount and/or some cash also sent directly to the dgc. If the parents are wanting to encourage saving as a life habit, then the kids need to be involved. Squirreling away gifts teaches them nothing. They need to experience having money and choosing to put some into savings. Then they can experience that pot growing or plan a bigger purchase and aim for that.

It's interesting you refer to her as 'our stepDIL'. Surely she is your husbands DIL not stepDIL. I'm wondering if this give a clue to relationships. But yes it was rude to say that about the flowers.

There's a difference between putting money in the kids' account (dull) v cash in hand.
My granny used to give my kids a selection box with a tenner tucked inside. Untold excitement for 10 year old

And I absolutely love getting flowers.