Adult step children- are they rude and grabby or am I BU?

[Londonismyjam]

I’d really like some help with this situation as Christmas is approaching and I want to get it right for my DGrandchildren.

My husband and I married in our 50’s, second marriage for both of us. We have 2 children each, all grown up and married and all with DGC. My adult step children (DM47, DD 44) are each married with DGC and live some distance away. We usually get together with them around Christmas/New Year.

We like to post presents to make sure that the DGC have something to open on Christmas Day. They’re all primary school age. We always ask the parents first for ideas on what the children would like and the answers have ranged from household equipment (think when decorating their new bedrooms) to money for their bank accounts.

For context, we sent flowers to our Step DIL for her birthday. We had no reply and when my husband asked if they had arrived, he was told by his son, ‘Yes but we (!) have a houseful of flowers and we would rather have had money.’
This is what I found so rude. And controlling tbh.

Also for context my own adult children are slightly younger and just tell me what presents they would like me to buy.

We’re happy to put money into bank accounts for my DStepGC but it just seems very impersonal for youngish children and I feel sad that they won’t get to open anything on Christmas Day. I’m not even sure that the children know that we have given them money.
I think that of course we will go along with the parents wishes and put money in and can understand that but perhaps also send a tiny ‘stocking filler’ to each child.

Trying to avoid any drip feeds:
I wasn’t the OW, we met when we were both divorced.
Adult Stepchildren seemed glad that their dad had met someone.
They’re not a very close family and step son is ND.
I’ve used the words Step only so that it’s clear which DGC I’m talking about.

Any ideas? What would you do?

Do you see the grand children just you and them. Could you suggest to parents you pay for a day out or something like a panto or show instead. Then give the grand children a small token gift or ‘ticket’ to day out.
It’s so busy in run up to Christmas that a nice treat in new year could be much appreciated. My dm used to take my dc to the ballet in January for example.

Stop sending them anything. A ‘we’ll treat you to lunch when we next visit’ is perfectly acceptable. For the kids I’d give them money but in cash when I see them. I wouldn’t be posting anything. At least that way you know they got it.

I wouldn't send a gift ahead of time. I'd take a small gift (with cash in) and give it to the children when you see them.

The one exception would be if they're really struggling financially and they need the money for uniform/school trips etc. in which case I'd put the money in the bank and bring the DC a small gift to open when you see them.

I don’t see what is wrong with that. Better to have money saved than a toy that will be played with for a few months. Nothing wrong with sending money and a token small gift so they have something to open

But as others say people and families are different but it wouldn’t bother me

I’m the Stepchild in this scenario and would prefer money for my DC. It’s only because they have everything and so often they get plastic crap that they use for 5 minutes before it goes to the charity shop.

I set up an ISA for my DC and keep a money gift book. For every ‘deposit’ I ask the gift giver to write a note in the book so that when we give DC the money in their 18th birthday they can see who gifted them money over the years. It will be far more valuable to them for uni/deposit.

Ultimately I would never be ungrateful for any gifts received and wouldn’t ask for money unless prompted, so I do think they’ve behaved a bit poorly in that regard

I detest flowers so they aren't a present for me and are a waste of money.
Presents wise, i have DP who want to give something to open, which is a lovely thought but actually I'd rather not have to think about yet another present for DC when they were young or finding somewhere to store it. Money would be much preferred by all in my house ad it means we can pick things we all want (dc included) and we can have some fun spending it. Or a day trip somewhere.
I don't think they are being rude but are keeping to what they want, you're keeping to what you want in giving a physical present.

I would say please do not send stockings or other stuff so that the children have something to open. I think it would fill me with rage if you did this. I don’t want more stuff filling up my house. You have been told what they would like. even book tokens are seen as faff for some parents.

I feel your pain op, my adult SS and his gf are very un-grateful and selfish and don’t appreciate anything we do for them.

My husband knows this and says so himself, he can’t understand why i keep trying/bothering but un-fortunately its in my nature.

It builds resentment though and i think i have finally reached the end of my tolerance for their behaviour.

I feel bad as my husband is so good with my 2 from a previous marriage but it feels like fighting a losing battle.

His mum has nothing to do with him and for a long time i felt so bad for him and guess i wanted to make up for that somehow? Everytime things are thrown back in my face just pushes me away a little bit more.

How old was your husband when he had his children if the eldest is 47 and he's in his 50's?😅

@MoominMamma15 I feel the same as you. Keep smiling

Why do you post their gifts when you see them over Christmas? I'm sure the DGC have loads to open already on Christmas Day and my DC, both primary age love getting extra presents from people we visit/visit us over Christmas. Why don't you keep hold of them this year and watch them open your presents in front you, you are more likely to get a thank you and they are more likely to remember your gift.

@RM2013 Thank you 🤗 i’m sorry you are going through similar x

Money for teenagers means they have some cash to spend when they go into town with their mates. It’s primarily a social occasion - they spend it on things you never would - they buy expensive drinks - boba/frappé/smoothies, chips, they go to Poundland, Superdrug, Primark and H&M etc and buy cheap jewellery, T-shirts, stationery, posters. It’s a way of spending fun time with friends, an experience they’ll remember.

Admittedly money for smaller children often went in their savings rather than on more toys (when they already had plenty) - but having those savings means they can now replace their phone when they break it, or contribute to a larger purchase they really want.

The flowers thing was extremely rude.

However my children receive so much at Christmas they don't want or need that I've learnt to set up a wishlist for them or ask for vouchers (or cash if it's easier as they don't have to make a trip down to the shop). It works out really well as if DDs receive 10 toys at the same time during Christmas they get overwhelmed and may end up playing with one toy for 5 minutes before moving on to another. Whereas with the vouchers I'll pop into the shops with them in a months' time and they'll pick up something that'll occupy them for weeks before they get something else again. It's much higher utilisation this way.

Give over. It's entirely normal to refer to someone by their relationship to you, rather than by their relationship to your partner. Eg brother-in-law rather than 'my sister's husband' and stepchildren rather than 'my husband's children'.

OP, the flowers would be the last present I sent to the adult step children. It's so rude of them not to say thank you. For the children, I'd give them cash and a small present to open.

They sound very rude.

I'd send the children a book with a card and a 20 pound note inside.

Husband in his 70’s now 😂

The OP explained that she's using the Step prefix for clarity as there are two lots of DGC and DILs.

Uh…ok.

I buy Prizebonds for my nephews for birthdays and Christmas. They have so many toys clothes and books.
This way, when they are older they can cash the bonds in and buy themselves something.
The flowers comment was rude but flowers are expensive and they probably thought the money could be put to better use.

It says they married in their 50s, not that they're in their 50s now.

@Londonismyjam by contrast I adore flowers and would much prefer them to money. My MIL has bought me some things which just aren’t to my taste but I always thank her and then secretly charity shop them in a few months… it’s just basic good manners. So they were V rude about the flowers imo. I really like @Pancakeflipper suggestion for DGC. And @MoominMamma15 you are not alone 🙈

Sending money and asking for it instead of a gift is a perfectly normal thing and only on MN is it the height of bad taste

Kids love getting money. They can save up for the bigger Lego sets or a Jellycat or Squishmallow or use it to by the whole set of the book series they are desperate to read.

Stick a tenner or whatever in their card and send something small and practical like a hat or scarf or Christmas socks. Then give them a selection box or something when you see them. We used to love it at Christmas when we got a "bonus" gift when we saw the grandparents

Could you open Premium Bond accounts for them & add to it each birthday & Christmas?
A lovely little nest egg for when they reach 18. And they will see exactly what you've given them rather than it being lumped in with everything.

Get them a little something to open with a card on each occasion.

Thank you everyone, there’s some great ideas on here. I’m surprised that some posters hate flowers but I’ll take that on board. As for the DGC I shall send a small gift with a tenner and put money in their bank accounts. For the adults I think we’ll be buying dinner out when we see them and leave it at that.