Adult step children- are they rude and grabby or am I BU?

[Londonismyjam]

I’d really like some help with this situation as Christmas is approaching and I want to get it right for my DGrandchildren.

My husband and I married in our 50’s, second marriage for both of us. We have 2 children each, all grown up and married and all with DGC. My adult step children (DM47, DD 44) are each married with DGC and live some distance away. We usually get together with them around Christmas/New Year.

We like to post presents to make sure that the DGC have something to open on Christmas Day. They’re all primary school age. We always ask the parents first for ideas on what the children would like and the answers have ranged from household equipment (think when decorating their new bedrooms) to money for their bank accounts.

For context, we sent flowers to our Step DIL for her birthday. We had no reply and when my husband asked if they had arrived, he was told by his son, ‘Yes but we (!) have a houseful of flowers and we would rather have had money.’
This is what I found so rude. And controlling tbh.

Also for context my own adult children are slightly younger and just tell me what presents they would like me to buy.

We’re happy to put money into bank accounts for my DStepGC but it just seems very impersonal for youngish children and I feel sad that they won’t get to open anything on Christmas Day. I’m not even sure that the children know that we have given them money.
I think that of course we will go along with the parents wishes and put money in and can understand that but perhaps also send a tiny ‘stocking filler’ to each child.

Trying to avoid any drip feeds:
I wasn’t the OW, we met when we were both divorced.
Adult Stepchildren seemed glad that their dad had met someone.
They’re not a very close family and step son is ND.
I’ve used the words Step only so that it’s clear which DGC I’m talking about.

Any ideas? What would you do?

Your stepson was spectacularly rude. Did your dh not pull him up for that? If any of my children said the same to me I'd be certainly telling them that was a rude and ungrateful response.

but not everyone - I LOVE getting flowers on my birthday. A house full of fresh flowers makes me happy all week. It makes me feel loved and celebrated about that people send them! A week of joy and then they’re composted and my house isn’t full up with extra needless birthday clutter!

Step DIL is presumably in her 40s too, flowers is completely appropriate. How rude to expect money at that age, or any age tbh. If I were you I'd send a cheque for the grandchildren, as I can imagine cash going straight in the entitled parent's pockets.

I would be announcing we won't be doing any more Christmas gifts.

You are not wrong OP, that was extremely rude re the flowers, and they shouldn’t be demanding money in place of gifts unless you ask them. However , if your step son is ND he might not realise he is being rude; from his perspective he perhaps sees it as being honest/ practical/ helpful- I.e. you want to give a gift, so he’s being honest about what they want to receive. Iyswim.

Book tokens never get used. I would get them
a voucher for Amazon and they can choose a toys, a book or something creative.

How depressing that a parent would see book tokens as a faff.

Like a PP, I used to really look forward to the book token one particular aunt always sent me. This was late 60s/early 70s and she always sent me a 10 shilling (50p after decimalisation) token. For that I could usually buy at least three paperbacks.

Then one year she unexpectedly sent a £5 voucher to be used to open a Post Office Savings account. My parents were delighted with how generous that was, but I was secretly a bit disappointed!

There's some weird posters on MN at the moment, people "fuming" if their DC are sent presents by their grandparents, getting annoyed if they have to find space for presents, thinking it's OK to ask for money...if people wanted to send money, they wouldn't be asking what to buy, would they? What's happened to the spirit of Christmas?
I just don't understand the world in which being given a present is a bad thing!
If you are a person who thinks that we should be more eco-conscious, then by all means make a charitable donation, but again, you wouldn't be on here asking about presents if that was something you wanted to do.
Anyway, I work with older primary school children, and they are all loving Posca pens at the moment. I think they are a great present, and the packs come in all different sizes and colours. A pack of those with £ attatched. would go down very well, I think.

Surely your husband should sort out his children and you sort out yours?

Why would you take on this task particularly to such rude people?
If you insist, send some vouchers, nominal amout and be done with it.

Don't send flowers or anything for a birthday again.

Don't reward poor manners.

If you don't like the suggestions given by their parents the simplest answer is not to ask for ideas and buy them something you think they'll like. Many parents find it frustrating when faced with a 'what do they want' request from every family member (you will be the only one). Or give the money and buy a small gift as well. I'd also wait until you see them at Christmas. It extends the excitement for them and it means your gifts don't get lost in the overwhelm of Christmas day.

OP if your SS is ND he probably hasn't recognised the potential for giving offence in saying that flowers weren't appreciated. He's just being honest and genuinely thinks that his dad wants to know what present they would like, so gave him an honest answer-money. You are looking at his response through neuro typical eyes and if your SS had the ability to do this he wouldn't be ND. Quite frankly your husband, who should be very familiar with how the ND affects his son should have explained this to you, instead he's allowing your lack of understanding in resulting to his own son being viewed negatively by you and that's just not fair on you or your SS.

I’m just mind blown that a grown adult expects money for her birthday, from her in laws.

Send cheques in cards...that way the kids will know they got money

Not sure if it was her view or her ND husband replying on her behalf!

I love flowers so I guess this is the problem. Knowing what they'd like.

Cash and a book or selection box is always appreciated by kids. But I would agree that just giving it when you see them would be fine. As kids get older they are more than capable of waiting till they see you. It's often nicer to spread things out.

they were rude not to acknowledge the flowers when they arrived, and rude to say money would have been better.

Putting money on an account for kids is fine, cash in hand is better for teenagers.

i liked pp idea about the cash-gift-book

Do not bother. This is way too much stress and that response was so rude.
Just say your not doing presents and don't want any back either.
Nobody keeps needing stuff anyway.
You'll feel.liberated if you do this.
Just because you've always done things, dosent mean you have too.

Also for context my own adult children are slightly younger and just tell me what presents they would like me to buy.

If your kids get presents they want but his kids just get what you/he choose for them, that’s not very fair. I hate cut flowers as a present as they just die :( I’d much rather have a plant!

We do wish lists for everyone here-people put loads of stuff they fancy on them and then people choose stuff of the right value for them.

From my perspective, I spend all of November and December fielding requests from relatives who want to “buy something to unwrap” for the children.

Obviously that is a lovely, kind and well intentioned series of requests and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I know how fortunate we are.

BUT…

I don’t have enough ideas to sort everyone’s Christmas presents for them. I just don’t. It’s enough to find them things from us; add two (or four if both sides are divorced) sets of grandparents, three uncles/aunts and a pair of godparents each and I feel a bit overwhelmed.

Children get so much stuff (the lucky blighters) that not all of it is needed.

Money in a long term savings account is a fantastic gift because it will benefit them when it all rolls together over the years - into enough for driving lessons or travel, for example. It’s not glamorous or fun but it’s hugely rewarding long term. DD’s account has saved her needing a student loan for two years.

So a box of sweets and a fiver plus money in their account is pretty much my ideal gift from extended family.

Sadly, that’s not fun enough for a lot of them, so I’m still trying to come up with good ideas for 4 sets of relatives to buy.

So don’t judge the grandchildren’s parents too much, OP.

My DS has a ND and is very blunt! He doesn't see it as rude at all just honest so I wouldn't find it rude, he says things like yeah that's alright if he likes something and tells you straight when he doesn't. We have worked on softening for peoples feelings but he doesn't see the point.
With his partner (and any future children) I will always ask exactly what they want, I am very much you need to tell me and within this time limit, it has worked so far.
Be clear and tell them how much money you want to spend.

I'd go with cash. It's just practical and it gives them freedom to get whatever they actually want.

You give the gifts in person when you see the DC, they don't need more to "open" on the day.

I agree some small gifts plus £ for shopping always good. Also yes ask the DC what they like playing with.

I would have replied but it’s not YOUR fucking birthday. Entitled little shit. No help from me I will just get you in trouble 😂

Well done OP. This thread embodies the seasonal truth that no
good deed goes unpunished.

SS might genuinely not have realised how ungrateful and rude he is if he’s ND. Either way, if it’s not appreciated, no need to spend much on them again.

Yay.

Suggest a budget restaurant for the family reunion.