Mother buying everything for my baby

[SaveMeNow2024]

This actually happened many years ago but I still think about it.
I had just told my parents I was pregnant, I hadn't yet had the 12 week scan so it was very early. First pregnancy.
We travelled down to where they live to tell them in person. Everything was great, everyone was very happy.
Next time we visited, a couple of weeks later (still hadn't had scan), my mum presented me with a huge bag of clothes, blankets etc, and proudly said "there, that's everything you need, so you won't need to buy anything at all".
I found it bizarre that she would assume I/we wouldn't want to buy anything for our own child. I can understand she was excited (although she already had 3 other grandkids), but it did feel as though she'd stolen my thunder, and taken away the special feeling of buying our baby's first outfit, blanket, etc.
We were not at all short of money so it wasn't as though she thought she was doing us a favour; it was purely for her own excitement and pleasure.
Add to this all the items were hideous, mostly beige, not my taste at all (as a child she dressed me in awful clothes), and my DH said he felt as though it was jinxing the pregnancy to be buying everything so early. (Luckily our baby was born healthy, but I had a very difficult pregnancy with a few scares along the way).
In the end I thanked her, but said we would prefer to choose things ourselves, and asked if she would like to buy baby's first soft toy to put in the cot when he was born (she did this, and he actually still has the teddy she bought, 14 years later).

Was I being unreasonable to refuse the bag of beige?

On the face of it, from what you’ve said here, she gave you a bag of neutral things for your baby. That’s kind. That’s helpful. I would be grateful. I think it might be time to let it go and recognised it as a bit PFB.

You still think about this? As if it were some kind of heinous act that ruined all of your lives?
Jeez.

My MIL bought our (second) baby a £250 swing 🤦‍♀️ we already had a perfectly good, very cheap swing from our first baby.. she also bought no less than 18 sleepsuits in 0-3 from mamas and papas and 2 blankets.
Now obviously these were appreciated.. but he was 6 weeks old when she gave us them and I already had mountains of 0-3.
The sleepsuits were worn maybe once, the swing was returned.

Thanks for your input.
No, I still think of it in that I wonder if I was too harsh.
Also because we have been NC for several years, which makes you mull over past events and fret over whether things should have been handled differently.

There's a German saying "Herrschaft durch Vorsorge", control through taking care of someone.
You were not being unreasonable, she won't have realised it was too much but it was.

She was an excited grandmother who bought things for her new grandchild. Quite an overreaction on your part, and for you to still be thinking about it and posting about it 14 years later is quite something…

Yes you were too harsh. Why would you refuse them? A lady being excited about her grandchild isn't a crime. I can't imagine how modern beige baby clothes would be awful? Most baby clothes I've seen are pretty inoffensive. You should have just said Thankyou and took them. You were a brat IMO you already had the limelight, you were having the baby. It really annoys me when people are like this, overly precious

I say this kindly, the fact you’re feeling annoyed at this 14 years later suggests that you must have a pretty charmed life. I dread to think how you would cope or react if something signifiant happenes in your life.

My kids never got to meet my mam as she died over 20 years ago so I’d swap with you in an instant.

Regarding the colour beige, she couldn’t buy you a bag of pink or blue clothes so had to make it neutral. Anyway I’d let it go as they negatively won’t be helpful for you MH

Because:
a) I didn't need them
b) I didn't want them
c) I wanted to buy my baby's first clothes myself, with my husband
d) It was too early and we saw it as bad luck - we hadn't yet bought a single thing ourselves
e) I found that her saying "you don't have to buy anything at all now, I've bought it all for you" was absolutely ridiculous and controlling,

I didn't "have the limelight", I was pregnant.
Being excited is one thing; completely taking over is another.
She had had the pleasure of buying first baby clothes already, for me and my siblings - I hadn't.

Unless you think your mum is spiteful, this is a lovely act. Lots of people bought
me bags of clothes when I was pregnant, I took what I liked but still bought loads myself.

I very much doubt she was trying to steal your thunder. Do you have a bad relationship? It is very odd that you saw this as a problem and also that you're still thinking about it. Maybe therapy might be good for you?

If you’re now NC then presumably there is a lot more to this. Usually I would think it rude to refuse a gift, in your shoes I would have thanked my mother and accepted the items but would have still bought things to my taste as well. A ‘first outfit’ isn’t important to me but if it was I would have still gone ahead and bought something myself regardless of the clothes she’d given. I would have treated the items she’d given as useful spares and may have popped the baby in them to visit my mother if I remembered but wouldn’t have stressed if some items ended up unworn.

Ok then..

Just seems like you have bigger issues with your mum and that was the icing on the cake. Any good parent child relationship wouldn't have taken this as a "controlling move" but rather a loving one

Well there's obviously much more to it because it doesn't really matter if you wanted it needed them, you should just have received them gratefully. And then bought what you wanted anyway!
So clearly this is about your relationship with your Mum, not baby clothes

I get it op. My mum was abusive to me as a child and has harassed me my whole adult life. When I got pregnant she even bought curtains for the baby. Enjoying shopping and having plenty of money to splash around (not earned by her) does not make her a kind person. It was just part of being controlling. I'm sure if she'd been a normal mum I'd have viewed it differently. People telling me their mum is dead wouldn't work on me as I have no bond with mine. My lovely dh died and I don't post on mumsnet about how people should appreciate their shit husbands as mine died.

weird reaction. The polite thing to do would have been to just take them and buy your own stuff!

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all OP. She was being very selfish to try take that away from you. It's overstepping and I think it's good you didn't allow her to take that from you.

If you've gone NC you probably have had problems for a long time? People saying YANBU probably have good relationships with their moms so don't see it the same. Do you feel like she doesn't respect you and your feelings and boundaries? (Not judging, I would feel the same)

It's hard to know if this was the straw that broke the camel's back or you overreacted. On its own, you were too harsh. The best thing to do is say thank you then not use what you don't want to use. If your relationship was made up of situations like that, NC seems extreme.

You were so lucky to have such a caring mom. I wish I received as many gifts as you did but my mom doesn't have the financial capacity to do it.

If this many years later you're still thinking about this, it's likely that you have mental health issues. It's not normal to think about such a minor thing so many years later.

You could have accepted them and still buy more clothes with your husband, nothing was stopping you from doing it. I wouldn't take it as controlling, you could have accepted them and then review and use what you like, the rest you could have donated in due time.

There has to be a back story, highly unusual to get upset or go NC over this.

A. I am sure you buy plenty of things you don't need. We all do
B. Fine, so? You could have communicated it in advance.
C. You still could have done it. Presumably, your baby would need a bit more than a couple of outfits.
D. Your superstitions have no bearing on someone else... or even you, as it turned out.
E. Telling someone they won't need to buy anything is not controlling. Controlling would be to take away access to their money or insist the child wears only the clothes purchased by your mother.

Thinking about it 14 years later and coming to ask if you are BU when you already made your mind up is beyond bizarre.

I wonder if the strong reaction is because people who have difficult relationships with their mom don't want their mom to taint their baby and motherhood?

I found it bizarre that she would assume I/we wouldn't want to buy anything for our own child.

She didn’t, she wanted to help you, her child, with an expensive and stressful period of time in your life.

It was actually controlling and strange for you to refuse it. It’s not a normal reaction.

What has happened to people that they can't just politely accept gifts anymore even if it's not something to your tastes. This is the same as the other thread where the MIL is buying gifts.

Just accept and move on, buy your own stuff as well and take a nice picture of baby in an outfit mum bought to keep her happy.

To still think about it 14 years late is madness!

I have a difficult relationship with my MIL, and I understand what you mean. I enjoyed choosing all the nicest baby clothes from charity shops when I was pregnant. I liked the idea that I was minimising environmental impact, and contributing to charity. I am frugal (by choice) I could have bought all brand new without hardship.
My MIL was horrified and bought a whole lot of supermarket cheap clothes. I felt completely undermined, but she presented it as a huge generous act.

I think the key thing is that gifts should be about the recipient, and she made it all about her.

So, yanbu in being pussed off, but 14years later is a long time to be dwelling on it. Don't let her issues become your problem.

I would have just said thank you, kept what I wanted and donated the rest to a charity. Would have tried to remember to put baby in some of the outfits when we saw my mother but wouldn’t have stressed about it.

If I felt it was a bit soon I would have kept the outfits out of sight and, again, donated them if something had gone wrong.

i couldn’t have got hung up on being the one to actually buy the first outfit. My DDs both went into supermarket babygrows when they were born and came home from hospital in a colour I liked - regardless as to who had bought it. The shawl they were wrapped in had been crocheted by my grandmother and that meant a lot.

As for being controlling - as an adult it’s up to you how you interpret this and allow it to happen. You didn’t need to believe, or act on, the “you don’t need to buy anything” comment. It didn’t affect your subsequent actions at all. You could still buy whatever you wanted. If anything she probably felt you were controlling as you told her exactly what she was “allowed” to buy - baby’s first soft toy (again though, I don’t understand the big deal about it being a “first”)

I don’t know why you are NC obviously but to answer your question - yes I think you were very unreasonable the way you handled this