Mother buying everything for my baby

[SaveMeNow2024]

This actually happened many years ago but I still think about it.
I had just told my parents I was pregnant, I hadn't yet had the 12 week scan so it was very early. First pregnancy.
We travelled down to where they live to tell them in person. Everything was great, everyone was very happy.
Next time we visited, a couple of weeks later (still hadn't had scan), my mum presented me with a huge bag of clothes, blankets etc, and proudly said "there, that's everything you need, so you won't need to buy anything at all".
I found it bizarre that she would assume I/we wouldn't want to buy anything for our own child. I can understand she was excited (although she already had 3 other grandkids), but it did feel as though she'd stolen my thunder, and taken away the special feeling of buying our baby's first outfit, blanket, etc.
We were not at all short of money so it wasn't as though she thought she was doing us a favour; it was purely for her own excitement and pleasure.
Add to this all the items were hideous, mostly beige, not my taste at all (as a child she dressed me in awful clothes), and my DH said he felt as though it was jinxing the pregnancy to be buying everything so early. (Luckily our baby was born healthy, but I had a very difficult pregnancy with a few scares along the way).
In the end I thanked her, but said we would prefer to choose things ourselves, and asked if she would like to buy baby's first soft toy to put in the cot when he was born (she did this, and he actually still has the teddy she bought, 14 years later).

Was I being unreasonable to refuse the bag of beige?

You sound very much like a relative of mine OP. She is someone who finds fault with everything. She is permanently on the defensive and sees normal interactions as controlling, rude, offensive or traumatic. She will go on and on about things years later when nobody has a clue what she is on about because to everyone else it was just a normal human interaction.
The end result is that this person has no friends, nobody in her life apart from her children and partner and she makes it extremely difficult to maintain any kind of relationship with.

Exactly this.
When my baby was born, she visited, and as she was leaving, said "I could take him away from you right now, and he wouldn't even remember you".
When my second was born, she wasn't speaking to me for some reason. She knew I'd given birth (planned c-section so she knew the date) and she didn't even contact me.
None of these incidents were the straw that broke the camel's back, that came years later when she refused to speak to me because I told her not to take my child away, in a busy public place, without telling me first (I turned round and he wasn't there, thought he had gone missing but she'd taken him 'to get some sweeties').

But there is a difference between what you’re describing and what the OP said which is that the clothes were not to her taste. Not torn stained or dirty.

I would have hated that, too, OP. I absolutely loved buying my baby's clothes etc and wouldn't have wanted a huge bag of "everything I needed".

When my GD was born and all was well at the 20 week scan, I took my son and DIL to John Lewis and told them to choose whatever they wanted for the baby and that I would pay. I did buy something myself that day but gave it to them later. It was like Christmas Day, watching them choose such lovely things for the baby - and you know what, they weren't necessarily things I would've chosen if I was pregnant, but that didn't matter. It was what they wanted. It's their baby.

Don't even think about the interaction with the clothes. Of course you don't want someone in your life that tells you they could take your baby and they wouldn't even remember you. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I think I can see why it still bothers you. It's a tricky negotiation with a grandparent who is over the moon and longing to be involved and to help, but does it in a way that can feel like an obstruction to the new parents making decisions about their new baby. And yet it was kindly meant and this is your lovely mum, so...
For what it's worth, I don't think there is an entirely happy solution to this kind of situation. Perhaps speaking up at that early stage made things smoother for you all later.
Hopefully your mum has forgotten about it long ago.
EDIT: I've just seen some posts I missed. Not always so lovely, your mum, and you did well to take a stand.

I can well understand wanting to get things yourself for your baby.

When we had our first, my parents offered to buy a pram, which we chose. Muminlaw bought some towels, and she gave me some of her older sheets which I cut up and made into cot sheets. We didn't have much spare money at that time and there weren't the charity shops there are now - we really appreciated what they gave us.
When our first grandchild was on the way, the other grandmother and I knitted and crocheted assorted squares to make a blanket for the baby. We spread them out on the other grandmother's carpet to plan the layout and then I joined them together.

that's such a lovely and thoughtful thing to do!

@SaveMeNow2024 she really said that to you about taking your baby away? And then your toddler for sweets?

She's a cruel woman.

Little wonder you have strong feelings years on.

I really think she sounds toxic.

And for the naysayers, there is almost always a lot more background to people holding strong feelings over apparently trivial issues years later.

I wish people would use their brains more.

She sounds over the top but I’d have just taken the stuff and donated to a woman’s shelter.

Ultimately only you know your mum and whether this should be viewed in isolation or taken as an example of wider problems generally

Yes. I burst into tears and asked her to take it back, but she just turned away and left. And then didn't speak to me, until I contacted her to smooth it over.
With my toddler, she took him off once, and when they got back I asked her not to do that. She did it again 5 minutes later.
(Her excuse was - 'I told your dad where we were going'. But nobody had told me.)
These deliberate actions were meant to wind me up, and to make me look as though I was being unreasonable.

It sounds like this was just a red herring and there’s clearly other issues in your relationship.

MIL buys all sorts for DS and I let her get on with it. She enjoys the shopping and choosing for her grandson. I just accept graciously then whatever I don’t want/need/like I just give away. MIL I’m sure doesn’t remember exactly and then no one is offended. I don’t understand why people get so worked up over this, if I want to buy something different for DS then I just go ahead and buy it but having a baby can be expensive so at the same time I’m appreciative when we are given items that we can use.

The poster complaining their ILs bought a £250 swing when they had one from their first baby - I don’t get why that would annoy you? Maybe they saw that DC1 loved the swing so bought an upgrade. Better to receive a better version of something you already use than something useless in my opinion.

@SaveMeNow2024 wow.

Can you detach from her? She sounds awful.

yes we've been NC for years now.

I think that in the context of a normal, healthy, fair relationship between mother and daughter this wouldn’t be a transgression but given what you’ve said about your mother and the fact that you’re NC I understand why it was a more difficult incident and something you reacted to in a negative way.

It's all about context, is she controlling, still sees you as a child doesn't talk to you with respect etc

Can you say no to her and she can take it.

That's a shame;, sounds like you have some regret over being NC. She sounds like a nice mum on the face of it. Is there any chance of reconciliation?

Edited now I've actually read the OP updates. Ignore me she sounds a bit nuts.

What a kind thing to do 💗

Sorry op just read updates it feels controlling and jealous to me

Mil did similar and took all the joy away never asked me questions just took it upon herself, I remember trying to share the joy and excitement with her and excitedly showed her some beautiful baby grows I got.. She took them and inspected them carefully then just said, people will buy you a lot of stuff.

Poured water over everything, it was exciting if she was getting a pram or cot for us but it was not for us to do ourselves.

Awful awful woman it didn't get better..

@MounjaroUser

Perfect their baby their choice their excitement your money. 😂💵 And beautiful wonderful memories.

Now we know there's a backstory and she was so bad you went NC, then no wonder you felt what you did.
In other circumstances it would be a lovely gesture.. my mum bought most things and we were so grateful. She was trying to save us money and she enjoyed it too.

@MounjaroUser what a lovely gesture. You sound amazing.

the woman sounds like an idiot, OP, but you need to let it go for your own peace of mind. Pity I didn't know you then, I would have taken the unwanted stuff off your hands. We were very hard up when I had my first, and my parents got me precisely nothing.

I find people like you so annoying. People who will tell you to "not worry about" something as a way of telling you to shut up, as though you can only discuss things that you're worried about and fixated on. Maybe it says more about what's going on in your little brain though, personally I think about many things, both while doing nothing, while engaging in mundane daily tasks, and also while doing things that are slightly more interesting. If you are the type of person who only occasionally has thoughts knocking around in your skull, I can see why it might be baffling to you that someone might be thinking about something that isn't hugely important, and might even be doing so while doing other things! I pity you if you only think when you have nothing else on.