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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws and DH

75 replies

OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:06

Please be kind. Don't be deliberately harsh.

Been married nearly 20 years and in that time had an ok relationship with in laws. We're close enough but not in each others pockets.

Sister-in-law ( not DH's sister) and I in theory should get along very well. Same job and similar interests but we are very different.

I've always felt like in laws and SIL do not think I do enough within the family unit of me, DH and our two kids. Little comments here and there. DH is a great dad and does more than his fair share but I don't exactly sit on my backside all day. I work full time, have no support child care wise from anyone and DH works away half the week. We recent went for a weekend away and it was really hard work. Eldest has autism and we had issues after issue with accommodation and stuff. SIL made a comment about how much DH had been looking forward to a break and even then he couldn't rest as he was dealing with the accommodation issues. Thing is I was just sat on my bum just chilling in the bar while all the problems were going on. I was either trying to sort them out or keeping the kids busy so my husband could try and fix things.

I know it must sound petty but I'm sick of DH being made to get some hero. When the comment was made, DH made no attempt to jump in and say "well OddBall was doing this...." or "OddBall went to sort that out...." I am regularly firefighting during the week, especially when he is away with work and never am I thanked or giving praise by his family for doing these things.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I want to know what others would do or if you'd do anything? This is not a one off incident. This is years of on and off comments. Would you expect DH to say something or should I just stand up for myself more?

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHoody · 23/11/2024 19:08

Honestly it's likely your DH has been making little gripes and your sister is taking it too seriously. He needs to nip it in the bud and start being a bit more positive of you around her.

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:12

Thanks for your reply. I don't know what fuels the in-laws fire to be honest. But today I sensed his ego getting bigger with the praise and validation. He then carried on saying how he don't go to bed straight away after we returned home late one night from the holiday as he was sorting the washing out. He chose to do that as he'd slept during the day. I hadn't so went to bed. But makes me look like a lazy arse.

OP posts:
Raineys · 23/11/2024 19:13

You have a husband problem.
I certainly wouldn't be going away with them.
Let him visit them on his own.
Definitely speak up.

Is your husband whining to them?
Sounds like he is.

Why aren't you defending yourself?
He sounds awful.
So unattractive.

pinksquash13 · 23/11/2024 19:16

I think some families have these outdated misogynistic views that anything more than the bare minimum from men makes them heroes. I don't think many realise they are doing it. I would challenge their view points by identifying your own hard work / sacrifices everytime they say anything. I feel for you working full time with no support and child with autism. You've got it tough and you definitely deserve a pat on the back at the very minimum.

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:17

I don't think he is as he doesn't see them when I'm not around. Nothing to read into there. They do not live that nearby. He doesn't chat to them on the phone. I just think he drops little bits in conversation when we do see them and forgets all I do. I do the cleaning, some cooking, washing, mental load - doctors, dentist, opticians, physio, seeing teachers at school, sorting out SEND stuff for son, EHCP stuff, working full time, taking kids to swimming and dance. He does do his fair share and helps with lots of that. But I feel like I'm made out to be some sort of lady of leisure!!

OP posts:
Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:20

pinksquash13 · 23/11/2024 19:16

I think some families have these outdated misogynistic views that anything more than the bare minimum from men makes them heroes. I don't think many realise they are doing it. I would challenge their view points by identifying your own hard work / sacrifices everytime they say anything. I feel for you working full time with no support and child with autism. You've got it tough and you definitely deserve a pat on the back at the very minimum.

I agree with the old fashioned viewpoint. His mum did part time shop work but only when the kids were older. Absolutely not blasting her job or her being a SAHM. But DH's dad was the worker and was a typical dad of the 70s and 80s.

I remember when DH had the kids overnight while I went away to see friends. It was like he'd split the atom!!

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 23/11/2024 19:26

Maybe you could say to him along the lines of

"your mum seems to think you do too much. So seeing as how she thinks I'm a lazy arse and you're a saint, I might as well be hung for a sheep instead of a lamb.

So next week on the days you're here you'll be the one who does xyz.

When he complains get him told that he better start standing up for you to his parents because you pull your weight around here and if they think you're lazy they ain't seen nothing yet"
😂

RaspberryBeretxx · 23/11/2024 19:26

It sounds like they have sexest opinions of “the woman should do everything” and then on top your DH is enjoying all the praise and acts like “yes, I did everything, poor me”. I think I’d have a talk with dh along the lines of “I feel like your family aren’t keen on me as they don’t appreciate that I make a contribution to our family unit. I think it’d really help the relationship if you could emphasise the things I do a little bit. Otherwise it makes me uncomfortable to spend time around them which isn’t conducive to any of our family relationships…”.

onevision · 23/11/2024 19:29

I once had a similar pattern to yours with DH working away half the week. It is clear with hindsight that we both though we had the worse end of the deal - he had extra travelling, living from a hotel room, being away from the DC, whereas I was seeing all that as a privilege with being able to go to the pub at the end of the day topping it off, while I was covering things at home and was always parent on duty for that time, couldn't go out or stay late at work. It bred quite a few problems. Is this resembling your situation? I know that doesn't address the in laws bit of things but I would guess they are inclined to take their cue from his projection of things. Does he plan to continue this working pattern for the foreseeable?

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:30

Thanks for the replies.

I'm not going mad am I?! I just hate feeling so misrepresented.

He asked me earlier if I was ok and I said no. I told him why and he stormed off. Can't look him in the eye.

OP posts:
TiramisuThief · 23/11/2024 19:37

As someone who travels for work a bit, being away from home isn't that fun. Yes you don't have the evening routine and housework and so on, but it's often boring and you miss out on things.

I think maybe he's finding the tedium of being away hard work mentally and equating this to the work you do to keep things running while he's away maybe.

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:47

I know being away from home isn't easy and I certainly don't envy him the travel and drive. I just want some recognition from his family that I do my fair share and more.

OP posts:
onevision · 23/11/2024 19:59

OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 19:47

I know being away from home isn't easy and I certainly don't envy him the travel and drive. I just want some recognition from his family that I do my fair share and more.

What I'm getting at OP is that it's stemming from him. If you address the problem with him feeling resentful, and possibly with you both feeling it towards each other, the in laws thing will sort itself out.

I'm not majorly in favour of the working away part of every week model now, because of its potential to take you down this path.

Suzuki76 · 23/11/2024 20:05

If he is misrepresenting you (he is) in private to them, I would say to him that at the next comment you will give him a 10 second window to correct them or you will say it yourself and he will look like a liar.

E.g. if he bigs himself up for doing laundry in the evening, you will laugh and say that that's because he had the energy after he napped during the day while you had the kids.

Lindjam · 23/11/2024 20:07

I’m not convinced you will ever get that recognition. I would just withdraw from them as much as possible.

Vaxtable · 23/11/2024 20:10

So next time they start say something, and call your dh into the conversation, so dh tell sil that’s not true, tell them how you actually had a sleep during the day and I didn’t and so on

or talk to him and tell him he either tells them to stop with the dogs at you, or he is seeing them on his own

stand up for yourself

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 20:15

I have just had a massive row with him about it. He says that what I'm feeling is "my truth" and not "the truth". I have told him in no uncertain terms to F off. I am so angry I can hardly remember what has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 20:20

Deep breath....

I've told him that for whatever reason he humble brags in front of them, and often leaves out any part of the context where I am involved. Thus in law's believing that he is some super dad. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad and does his share and more. All I want is recognition, which I doubt I'll ever get, for the role I play.

An example of a humble brag is him saying he'd done all the ironing that morning. Well done. What do you want a medal? Where had I been? I had done the swimming lesson run, the dance lesson run, the trip to the supermarket for food as we have people visiting tomorrow. Then back home sorting out Dad's homework that she'd forgotten so getting a friend to send a copy across and then doing that with DD. ..... The list goes on.

I told him it's the humble brag which makes him sound like a hero because context is left out about why he is doing that or where I am.

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 23/11/2024 20:24

I have the opposite situation. In that dh gets annoyed whenever I get praised for doing something, because he wants his praise. It drives me mad that someone can't say isn't live great without him chiming in about all he's done.

I'd also point out - you say in the OP. He does more than his fair share? Does he or are you overstating what he does aswell?

In the sister example I think it's ok that he was looking forward to the rest and then had to deal with room stuff- that is annoying. It's nothing to do with you and personally I wouldn't infer from that you were doing nothing.

Suzuki76 · 23/11/2024 20:25

OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 20:20

Deep breath....

I've told him that for whatever reason he humble brags in front of them, and often leaves out any part of the context where I am involved. Thus in law's believing that he is some super dad. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad and does his share and more. All I want is recognition, which I doubt I'll ever get, for the role I play.

An example of a humble brag is him saying he'd done all the ironing that morning. Well done. What do you want a medal? Where had I been? I had done the swimming lesson run, the dance lesson run, the trip to the supermarket for food as we have people visiting tomorrow. Then back home sorting out Dad's homework that she'd forgotten so getting a friend to send a copy across and then doing that with DD. ..... The list goes on.

I told him it's the humble brag which makes him sound like a hero because context is left out about why he is doing that or where I am.

In that case I'd say to him look, you know your family is sexist and "traditional", so see ironing as something the woman should be doing. If you say you're doing it they will automatically think it's your job that he's bravely volunteered for. I bet mowing the lawn or washing the car wouldn't get him half the plaudits.

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 20:28

No and the irony of it is I do the DIY, the fence painting and the lawn mowing.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 23/11/2024 20:31

I would look to the source of SIL’s information. You have a DH problem.

Didimum · 23/11/2024 20:35

Is SIL his brother’s wife? Or your brothers wife? I find it weird why she would be so invested so as to defend him so much. Why does she care?

Original poster
OddBallNumber5 · 23/11/2024 20:39

His brother's wife.

OP posts:
custardpyjamas · 23/11/2024 20:44

How does anyone else knows what problems you are having on holiday? Someone is spilling the beans and not in your favour.