In laws and DH

[OddBallNumber5]

Please be kind. Don't be deliberately harsh.

Been married nearly 20 years and in that time had an ok relationship with in laws. We're close enough but not in each others pockets.

Sister-in-law ( not DH's sister) and I in theory should get along very well. Same job and similar interests but we are very different.

I've always felt like in laws and SIL do not think I do enough within the family unit of me, DH and our two kids. Little comments here and there. DH is a great dad and does more than his fair share but I don't exactly sit on my backside all day. I work full time, have no support child care wise from anyone and DH works away half the week. We recent went for a weekend away and it was really hard work. Eldest has autism and we had issues after issue with accommodation and stuff. SIL made a comment about how much DH had been looking forward to a break and even then he couldn't rest as he was dealing with the accommodation issues. Thing is I was just sat on my bum just chilling in the bar while all the problems were going on. I was either trying to sort them out or keeping the kids busy so my husband could try and fix things.

I know it must sound petty but I'm sick of DH being made to get some hero. When the comment was made, DH made no attempt to jump in and say "well OddBall was doing this...." or "OddBall went to sort that out...." I am regularly firefighting during the week, especially when he is away with work and never am I thanked or giving praise by his family for doing these things.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I want to know what others would do or if you'd do anything? This is not a one off incident. This is years of on and off comments. Would you expect DH to say something or should I just stand up for myself more?

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP and I can understand why you are frustrated.

However this is my take on the problem and my tuppence worth. If you moaned to your family that you spent all morning ironing (in itself an understandle mild groan) they would sympathise , but what your husband was or was not doing at the time would not cross anyone's minds. This is because it is no reflection on your husband that you feel a bit worn down that you had a pile of ironing to do.

Therefore, what is the wonky thought going on in your head (not a criticism by the way) that makes you think that this conversation he had with his family about ironing had anything whatsoever to do with you.

You know you do your fair share in your household. You know you rightly expect the same of your husband.

If your inlaws are of a more traditional mind, then you will never get their approval for what they will always think is you doing less than you should be doing and your husband being a hero for whatever he does. Therefore stop seeking it or expecting it.

I wouldn't try to drop into this type of conversation things like 'oh but I did the swimming lessons and phoned the doctor and make sure the homework got done'. Would your husband feel compelled to do similar of he heard you moan to your family about whatever domestic task you had done that morning? Unlikely.

My advice would be to be quietly confident that you are living your life well and that you are already acing things. Who cares what they think when you are doing this day and day out.

Your DH needs to stop tittle tattling to his family.

(My DH always makes me out to have a super shiny halo, which is total bollocks when he talks about me.)

Your DH is fueling the fire, I would be tempted to tell SIL to keep her beak out if I was happy to rock the boat...

I think some families have these outdated misogynistic views that anything more than the bare minimum from men makes them heroes.

Not just some families, but most of society. It's shit. As a new mum.myself, I am finding this out the hard way. Having a child is the biggest mistake I have ever made. I now have a life of self sacrifice and zero appreciation forever.

...or you could look them all straight in the eye and tell them that you do absolutely nothing the 3(?) days a week your husband is away.. the house fairy does all the cleaning and cooking, the laundry, the school runs, the club runs, the shopping and the family admin while you sit and watch the telly....

Many years ago the children were pestering OH about something and his mother said to them Leave Daddy in peace, he's been working hard and needs a rest! I said to them Yes, because as you know Mummy sits on her arse all day and does nothing!.
She, MIL, was definitely of the old school, she proudly said that her husband wouldn't allow her to go out to work once they were married. When I got a big promotion her reaction was Were there no married men with children who needed that job? They should be first to get jobs like that! I told her that they wanted the best person for the job and the others were judged to be inferior, male and female.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I think inadvertently DH fuels the fire. I think he tells MIL bits and then she relays them to SIL with her own spin and inaccuracies.

An example of that was this afternoon. She asked me about something controversial that has recently happened in my team at work. I told her what the results of the issue are so far... And she tried to relay some of it to SIL and got it all completely wrong! There's only been a 15 minute gap between telling her and her retelling it. I don't think she does this on purpose. I just don't think she had really understood.

@Bonbon21 that’s what I said as well. Shuts them up pretty quickly.

@JudgeJ I had MIL like that. I told her that the times have changed and it’s no longer 1950’s when whole family was able to live from 1 wage earner.

@OddBallNumber5 your last post confirmed that this is your H who fuels the fire. You will never get recognition from IL’d so stop looking for it. I’d not tolerate any digs though and put them right.

Hmm I wouldn’t let this just drop. If he’s not inclined to talk further I think you might need some weekends away, should be a breeze as you manage all the time while working. Say you’re thinking of a job where you work away a bit too, and her husband can hold the fort and get told he’s amazing for doing what you’ve done for years.

@DeliciousApples

It's not the topic but "I might as well be hung for a sheep instead of a lamb." - never heard this expression before and I love it! This sums up my personality so well 🤣

Most wouldn't agree with me but I'd just ignore them. Dont give any reply. Change the subject.
I know it's hard but as long as you and your DH appreciate and support each other, that's all that matters.
My MIL is given to making judgy barbed comments, I think its just her nature, she doesn't particularly want to get at me, I have mastered the art of grey rocking, and move on to something else where she won't annoy me.

I know it's hard but why worry about what they think? Over the years, and despite a few upsets, I've learnt to let it all wash over me and if they insist on talking bollox, call them out on it. 'Oh yes, isn't DH just the best dad ever because he lifted an iron? Don't mind all the things I was doing - women's work should be firmly ignored' or some such sarky comment. It's hard when the kids are small and you are struggling but gets easier later on I promise. I felt liberated once I turned forty and suddenly I genuinely don't give a shit any more - it's wonderful!!! 😬

I think inadvertently DH fuels the fire

I think he fuels the fire deliberately

This is really interesting because it is kind of a parallel situation in that it is all about the dad either getting or wanting the gold stars for their parenting compared to their partner.

Btw op, having solo care of your kids and your eldest with autism when H is away for some of the week - that is huge to manage. Parenting is relentless and exhausting and doing it with no back up is not a small thing. I'm surprised your husband doesn't simply remind his family about this fact.

I think it is simply disloyal and mean of him to accept the recognition of his parenting when none is given to you, and not say "well thanks, but oddball is also working really hard too".

I remember when DH had the kids overnight while I went away to see friends. It was like he'd split the atom!!
I hear you! Do you know what I did? Called my in laws every time I needed help for anything. “DD is sick, can I drop her with you because I have to work” or “DH is away and I have 2 parties, can you take one child” etc etc, they soon got the message. Instead of having a go at him (which was ineffective) I just called them randomly a lot. The answer was always no but they stopped having a dig about how much he does…

Speak to your DH, because you mainly have a DH problem.

But I think you can also jokingly challenge this in their company. For example...

DH, boastingly: "Oh yeah I stayed up late last night to put the washing out."

You: "Oi, excuse me! Weren't you the one sleeping all afternoon when the kids needed baths? I was sitting there thinking 'when on earth will this man wake up?' I only have so many hands, haha."

Why does their opinion matter? You know how much you do and you don't need recognition from them. F*ck them, they are not important. Next time they do it just laugh and roll your eyes. My MIL always used to say how hard my DH worked and that he looked tired. He worked away and I was also working part time and looking after 5 kids! But he is her son and will always be her priority. I didn't need or expect her to acknowledge my contribution to my family. You are giving them too much power.

Thabks for all the replies. I have low self esteem so that's why other people's opinions matter unfortunately.

I'm sorry sweetheart - it's not rare or your fault. Well done for asking on here and stomaching the replies. ❤️

I don’t think this is going to change unless you are happy to talk to them about it.

I would just laugh, and make it the joke it is. “Yes dh is is super dad for doing one thing”

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to distance yourself a bit. You don’t have to go with him every time he visits.

I'm in the exact same boat Op, except it's my mother in law.

He works a lot, so do I. But if he takes some overtime on the weekend "he works so hard god he must be so tired" when I'm at home with three kids. And also end up working late most days in the week at home on my laptop.

I do everything, and I mean everything around the house - cooking cleaning shopping laundry school stuff etc etc AND work more than FT.

I was in hospital with one kid, admitted for a few days I stayed in a fucking plastic chair the whole time, going through all the stress and emotion and hospital tests, but because he's home alone with the other kids he's an absolute hero.

It's just deep rooted misogyny on her part, and the fact I'll never be good enough for her darling boy. I just tell myself that she has NO IDEA and I only step in when she's lecturing my children about it.

OP, 2 separate issues here. The main one is your husband. Does he not appreciate all you do or does he just like getting praise from his family? If the former, you have a big problem and need to do something drastic to show him just how much you do (ie swan off on a girls’ trip and leave everything to him). If it’s the latter, just read him the riot act about letting his family think you do nothing and tell him he either sticks up for you in future or you’ll do it for yourself, in far less flattering terms for him than he would.

the in-laws problem will solve itself if you solve the DH problem. Until then, just stand up for yourself in a light-hearted manner every single time.

“Poor DH having to deal with room issues on holiday” “I know, we were so looking forward to a break so it was hard for me having to do everything for the kids over the weekend while DH spoke to the manager - as you know I do everything for them in the week while DH is away, so it was my turn to have a bit of me-time”.

“DH did all the ironing after a week at work, what a brilliant husband!” “Ha, is that what he told you?! He volunteered for that as he wanted to get out of taking little jimmy swimming and little Mary to dance class! And I did the law mowing that morning too!”

You’ve got a serious DH problem. I don’t have this issue with in laws - I get on well with them and they know what I do in the family. But my DF made a couple of comments about my SIL often having trips/nights away and it not bring fair on my DB - and my DB had a stern word with him. SIL has a lot on her plate supporting a parent with dementia. DB has no problem with her having breaks - the DC are teens and they’re all fine.

Quite frankly, your DH is behaving like an arse. I know if my PI L were like yours, DH would correct them. He wouldn’t bask in their praise and make me look bad.

I agree with many pp comments about having a DH problem but just to chip in, I experienced many years of similar, then about 4 years ago I decided to stop engaging with the in laws at all. Huge weight lifted. DH now sorts out the visits and takes the kids to MILs on his own.

Amazingly this means visits have dropped to almost nil because he doesn't actually want to go. What he liked was us all driving for miles to see her then being waited on hand and foot by her, praised to the high heavens, looking like the perfect 1950s dad. I, meanwhile spent the whole visit wrestling the children in a non kid friendly environment.

So I just said 'I'm not going any more'. And that was that.

OP I think you need to work on your self esteem and let this issue with your ILs go.

It's normal for ILs to want to big up their son - because he's their son! It's also normal for people to regress a bit to children around their parents and enjoy showing off. It's also normal for others, especially those with limited experience of the workplace, to have no idea about your job.

I've heard endlessly about how my DH has 'such a responsible job' - even he rolled his eyes at that one as it was so patently untrue.

Have less to do with them, don't tell them much about your life except generic things about how busy you are and enjoy spelling out Fuck Off with your tongue on the roof your mouth - really helps a lot.

If I knew them well I would probably say very levelly “ do you think DH gets a rough deal? Just interested because you make a few of these comments. It’s true, dealing with things like this is an extra burden but it’s one we bear equally, or me alone when he is working away. Do you have a different perspective?”