In laws and DH

[OddBallNumber5]

Please be kind. Don't be deliberately harsh.

Been married nearly 20 years and in that time had an ok relationship with in laws. We're close enough but not in each others pockets.

Sister-in-law ( not DH's sister) and I in theory should get along very well. Same job and similar interests but we are very different.

I've always felt like in laws and SIL do not think I do enough within the family unit of me, DH and our two kids. Little comments here and there. DH is a great dad and does more than his fair share but I don't exactly sit on my backside all day. I work full time, have no support child care wise from anyone and DH works away half the week. We recent went for a weekend away and it was really hard work. Eldest has autism and we had issues after issue with accommodation and stuff. SIL made a comment about how much DH had been looking forward to a break and even then he couldn't rest as he was dealing with the accommodation issues. Thing is I was just sat on my bum just chilling in the bar while all the problems were going on. I was either trying to sort them out or keeping the kids busy so my husband could try and fix things.

I know it must sound petty but I'm sick of DH being made to get some hero. When the comment was made, DH made no attempt to jump in and say "well OddBall was doing this...." or "OddBall went to sort that out...." I am regularly firefighting during the week, especially when he is away with work and never am I thanked or giving praise by his family for doing these things.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I want to know what others would do or if you'd do anything? This is not a one off incident. This is years of on and off comments. Would you expect DH to say something or should I just stand up for myself more?

Thanks again for the replies.

I know I need to work on my self esteem but no idea how. Any advice?

With regards to the in laws, it's not just his parents it's the sister-in-law as well. A "joke" was made earlier in the year about my apparently poor contribution to family gatherings (hosting, food etc) and I just admit, I did stand up for myself then as it was hurtful and untrue. Issue is I can't do it every time.

SIL sounds like a manipulative “splitter” tbh…

What does that mean? Sh1t stirrer?

Of course you can do it everytime. Either bite back or tell your “hero” of the husband that you’re not going.
What’s the point in going if you’re going to be belittled and unfairly criticised.
Seeing as in their eyes you don’t bring anything to their proverbial table it’s time to bow out.

OP, it’s not you, it’s them. Going by the rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything” they should shut up. It’s all about power and control. Quit playing their stupid games and remove yourself. Leave all contact,hosting and invitation to your H.

Mate, your in laws are never going to sing your praises for going to the supermarket, or sorting out your kids activities. They just expect it, along with the rest of society. They see their son/brother looking a bit tired and say 'oh you've been busy' or whatever but who cares? I've got a sexist mil and I couldn't give a monkeys. How much time do you actually spend with these people? Just ignore them.

I have very much the same problem, we bought a car together 50/50 split yet when we around ils they love to tell people “he” bought us a nice new car, if ils bring ds an outdoor toy it’s always “youll have to wait daddy gets home to build it” or “you won’t get out on it till daddy gets home” ds is only 3 so hasn’t really made his own friends as such yet I’ve made a group of mammy friends from classes and we do regular play dates / birthday party’s with them yet they don’t acknowledge any of his friends except one boy who bes at ds parties who’s 8 and only comes as we’re neighbours as his daddy has built this friendship for him according to them, dp never done a night feed yet got up with him one night when he was sick recently as I had got no sleep and his praises for doing that were endless! I’ve realised by talking to people about it and watching behaviours that dp is a massive massive mammys boy who loves to get her praise and mil loves this and milks it to the highest degree (she has no life of her own / friends / hobby’s so needs to be needed by her children to boost her ego basically) it’s something that isn’t going to change I have to just keep correcting them as stuff is mentioned, over time it has got less and generally just slips out now when she forgets herself

Also to add to this her behaviour has caused us to go very low contact as it just erupts between us after a while and since then it has got better as I’ve realised she can say what she wants behind my back it doesn’t change the mother I know I am and honestly the less I have to see her the less it has annoyed me as it’s took down the amount of times I have to hear it. I now usually see her about 30 mins every two weeks bar big occasions

I'd tell him that unless he stops this humble bragging you will just leave him to see his parents and family on his own.

And if you do happen to see them, answer back every time. It doesn't need to be angry, just say the truth. 'Yes, DH did the ironing but I was running around doing everything else.'

Just rise above it. If things at home are equally split and and you're both happy, just let his family ramble on. As long as you know different. Who really cares what they think.

Just ignore it, literally nothing you say will make a difference. I did tell my MIL that it’s great that times have changed and that it’s no longer acceptable for men to buy their leisure with women’s time but not sure it sunk in.

I find women who pick at this stuff instead of having a good hard think about how lazy their OH is have very unequal relationships themselves, I would be feeling deeply sorry for them that they can’t see it. Try the head tilt and “oh doesn’t your husband pitch in?”

When they say he is a hero for pulling his weight I would tell them that you work as a team and it’s not the 1950’s anymore.

We only know your side of the story, you say husband does more than his fair share.
So maybe you do it back and let him do the running around? And that's what the in laws have seen.

Can I gently ask, why do you need their validation? I appreciate it the things that are not said or implied in these situations, but often we read more into this than what should be (ie they want to praise him, and that should be ok).

given that you are not being a lazy arse, is there any way you could reframe it? Your dh also should’ve aware you are not being lazy. If he isn’t you have a bigger issue than your inlaws

Classic mil and sil stuff unfortunately when you get them like this...

My Mil said once to dh "and I know you work in the garden and I know you work in the house and look after the children" and it's like you mean you know he does what nearly every man in the UK does???? Look after his own stuff????

You say he he does more than his fair share, but it really doesn't sound like he does. How can he if you both work full time but he works away half the week?
Honestly it sounds like his family (including him or not I don't know ) are the sort that think all these things ought to be the mums job, and anything he does is helping you out, cos he is such a good husband. He is not helping you out as a favour, he is 50% responsible for the care of your children and house.

Thanks again for the replies. I thought the thread had gone off to be honest so it was nice to see some more insights.

I do care about their opinions far too much, I know that. I think I get annoyed because I don't like the situations being misrepresented. The situation with the sister-in-law is more deep seated and would take hours to type and would be very outing but suffice to say, I've been called out before for things I've alleged to have done/not done and it's completely side swiped me. Few months ago a comment was made by SIL about my lack of help historically in family occasions. She'd had a few drinks. The 'joke' was unfounded and was just 'bants' according to her. But many a true word and all that. So I feel I know that they do t think I'm any good.

OP, you’re an independent adult with the same social status as your IL’s. You’re not their maid and you don’t have to be summoned to them. You’re not their subordinate or any lesser to them. Knock it on the head and don’t let them trample all over you.
Opinion is like a bum hole. Everybody’s got one.
Be confrontational and awkward. Bullies (and that what they are) don’t like being challenged.

Oh my goodness OP I have a similar situation with my in-laws.

My DH will do cooking and gardening and his family and friends seem to sing his praises constantly. When they come over he will cook, and conversation such as the garden is looking nice will inevitably be brought up. It is not specifically said but phrased in such a way that it feels like they think I do very little.

I work and organise everything for the kids including spending the quality time with them. I do ALL the life admin as he would not know where to start and all of the cleaning and a big chunk of DIY. But it's not something that will come up in conversation.

We split the cooking generally, however the night he is cooking he'll answer his phone or ring his family and say oh yeah I was busy preparing dinner. It's not like he'll say oh Frankie is getting dinner on the nights I do, consequently they probably think he does it all the time.

In the sister example I think it's ok that he was looking forward to the rest and then had to deal with room stuff- that is annoying. It's nothing to do with you and personally I wouldn't infer from that you were doing nothing.

Yes. I don't think this is a good example for what you're trying to put across. I don't see any implied criticism of you at all in that conversation. A person can empathise with another person without it having any further implications. I think you might be a little over-sensitive.

We split the cooking generally, however the night he is cooking he'll answer his phone or ring his family and say oh yeah I was busy preparing dinner. It's not like he'll say oh Frankie is getting dinner on the nights I do, consequently they probably think he does it all the time.

But why would he refer to you making dinner? Presumably the conversation with his family led to him explaining why he was late phoning/why he didn't pick up/why he was multi-tasking.

This. I think you need a change of mindset from your dh, his family are just symptoms.

in terms of dealing with it in the moment, I would grey rock them in general. It doesn’t actually matter whether they think you pull your weight or not. Likely they do realise everything you do but for whatever reason they’re getting something out of putting you down. That is very firmly on them and not you.

Shut down emotionally, keep smiling and say nothing, busy yourself with dc, do whatever but show no reaction. In fact do less for them, if they think you don’t do much then you may as well! Don’t feel you must always go on visits, don’t arrange thoughtful gifts, just drop the rope. Why would you want to go the extra mile for people who don’t value you and are actively unkind?

Can you just avoid family get-togethers? They sound like the opposite of fun for you. Your SIL sounds toxic and your PILs sound old fashioned and misogynistic, with your DH fuelling the fire with his comments about doing the fucking ironing.

What was his response to your comments about how he humble brags?

What I would do is the next time he does something like this saying "Oh I was doing the ironing this morning" would be to jump in and say "oh yes, that was because the kids weren't under your feet as I had them with me while they did X, Y and Z that morning. We work well as a team don't we DH?"

Call him out on his humble brags as he makes them. Don't let them fester. If you need to, have a comment/word/phrase that he knows about which is basically a 'code word' between you both so that he knows when he's overstepped and he can correct things being said himself at the time.

I couldn't explain to you exactly why it's grating, it's seems entirely reasonable doesn't it? However, as mentioned up thread it's the 'humble brag' it's quite subtle and built up over years. He will actively call friends and family, whilst he is cooking 'oh I've just got home and I'm cooking' there's just no need, wait til after dinner sit down have a chat in peace. It's like a version performance parenting iyswm.