To put my foot down not having houseguests at Christmas

[lyndmn]

DP and his parents have a strained relationship. They get on for the most part, but it always ends in bickering. It's draining. Fortunately they live a few hours away but unfortunately when we do see them they stay with us weeks on end and quite frankly I'm fed up with them after a few days.

They keep hinting to stay for Christmas as they have said DPs sister who they'd normally spend it with is having Christmas just her and her new husband. I categorically do not want this and I don't think DP does either but they are playing the lonely card etc pulling at his heart strings. AIBU for us both to put our foot down and have it just us and the kids? They will see them before Christmas and soon after I'm sure so it's not like they're missing out on time with the GC's.

Tell them the dates they can stay. I have similar with my mum but the other way round, we go to her. She would like us there for about two weeks but it's impossible with work, and frankly I don't want to spend two weeks at Christmas with my mum because I want time to myself too. Now I say we will be arriving on boxing day and then tell her when we are leaving. I also tell her as far in advance as possible so she gets used to it.

They need to be extra firm and stipulate Christmas Day and Boxing Day or Christmas Day and Christmas Eve only! I still stand by what I say .

@lyndmn

come on, this is your (at least) second child. You're not a young couple in their first home with a first baby's first Christmas.

you don't host their Grandparents every Christmas as your SIL does that. Your SIL wants one Christmas off.

your DC might not get another Christmas with their Grandparents in your home.

I think you should have them for Christmas.

I don't think them wanting to see their son & their Grandchildren once a month is terrible, but you do need to tell them the children woukd enjoy seeing them monthly, but it's only going to work if it's a long weekend or maybe every second month for a week,

a PP is right, you have limited years where they're going to able to do that drive, especially in winter.

Why would anyone want a feuding couple to stay at Christmas? Or at any other time? They should stay at home and work on their issues.

@CoffeeAndPeanuts I do understand your points. Sorry, I should have been a bit clearer but the GC are step children 8 & 7 and my first baby under 1. I just say children/kids as they are with us the majority of the time. Due to DP being in military we have moved quite a bit so this is our first Christmas in our "first home" as we have bought it and looking to stay for the foreseeable and the baby's first Xmas.

I can see it now that FIL won't want to be up early as he would have been at the pub Xmas eve for a few, we'll have to try and keep the kids occupied until he's up to do presents as they'd be annoyed to miss it. And definitely by lunchtime the bickering would have started!

Yes you can absolutely have Xmas just immediate family

plus: good lord I see in later updates you have a baby! Absolutely right to protect your immediate family-time

and- they come for a weekend and extend it to a full week?? That’s very very rude in my book.

Yeah they do. They used to live near to where we are now so have some old friends here. So what starts off as a long weekend visiting us will turn into them "meeting Kevin for lunch on Tuesday" or "Mr and Mrs Bloggs for dinner on Thursday" then by the time you know it it's the next weekend and they don't want to travel back in heavy weekend traffic

Your house, your rules.

If the children (and you) want to open presents in the morning, make it clear to FiL that that is what's happening and if he's sleeping off a heavy night's drinking - tough luck. He'll miss it.

Same with meal times. If you like to eat Christmas Dinner at 2pm but ILs prefer 6pm, again - tough. Tell them ahead of time, so they can get their heads round it.

Sod that - they fit in with you and the children. If he doesn’t want to be up At the crack of dawn sharing their moment that’s his problem. Stop pussy footing around their behaviour and if they start bickering ‘right you two I’m sure you want to go for a walk and discuss this privately’… be assertive and take control. Why should there bickering put an awkward mood over your home.

Get DH to have a word that it’s x days staying and kids will be up at this time etc. make it clear that they are being included in your routine.

And if they overstay - I’d explain to DH I’ll be visiting my folks to spend time with them.

they are in their 60s? One Christmas doing their own thing won’t kill them. Me and my partner are in our 50s and 60s and don’t expect an invite and know kids will be busy with new families and new traditions. My own folks in their 70s and 80s always get invited but also state they are happy to do their own thing.

Bloody hell, they aren't that much older than me. You definitely need to get used to setting firm boundaries because you could have another 20 yeas of this shit.

They have each other.. It isn't up to you to bolster their Christmas...

So why can't they stay with these friends for part of the time? It sounds as if they are using you as a hotel.

Oh, absolutely.
You don't need reassurance here.
Enjoy a quiet one with your partner.

@TheDogBartholomew true. They did (very infrequently) in the past but since baby has been here they've always wanted to stay at ours.

Thank you, MN has been a reassurance tonight

There is no way I would keep the kids quiet and away from presents, 7am they can go into the living room and see what Santa brought. Perhaps not this year but another year try having them with a solid reason they have to depart in a couple of days and keep your own schedule. ‘You can come Christmas Eve but if you’re here it’s our schedule - Santa presents at 7am and be there or don’t see it, we won’t be spoiling our day by telling dc they can’t open their presents because grandpa is having a sleep in.’

It won't be banned, but people could start rejecting it and scaling back.
Loads of fuss and expensive every year just because apparantely a baby was born sometime in December.
Very liberating when you realise you can free yourself from it.
Time for a change.

Totally agree. Christmas is a time for family and being together and it’s a pretty selfish post. Suck it up and have your in laws over. We all have to do things we don’t want to but do it for your kids who will also get to enjoy their grandparents.

All I see now is posts about what people want selfishly without any thought for others. I think you are being unreasonable.

Baby’s first Christmas. Give over. You think the baby cares and don’t you think it’s nice for them to be a part of that?

I definitely wouldn't have to stay on Christmas Day if your father-in-law is going to be drinking on Christmas Eve tonight and won't want to get up early on Christmas day. Why should children have to wait?

@Westofeasttoday thank you for taking the time to reply. I think I would have felt more welcoming for the Christmas period if they hadn't already stayed at ours so much.

I thought a baby's firsts were still important to celebrate if you wanted to? It took us a long time to have our little ivf miracle.

Family is important, especially parents, so just give a tme limit to staying. Onve they're gone you will appreciate your time together ❤️

Is that true? Do people always miss really difficult in-laws once they've gone?

These people are early 60s, so will probably be around for another 20 years, but they need to get their own way, to the detriment of OP and her children, as 'they won't be around for ever and then you'll miss them'?

The onus is always on the DIL to make allowances and to accept unacceptable behaviour because one day the ILs won't be here.

How about these in-laws make themselves welcome guests that don't overstay their welcome (i.e. coming for a weekend and then not leaving for over a week), don't bicker constantly and don't expect to sleep in on Christmas morning but get offended if the children open their presents before they wake up? Maybe then they will receive more invitations and will be genuinely welcomed into OPs home.

Don't look back and regret that your baby's first Cmas was spoiled by them. Speak to them now and tell them it's not happening. They won't be alone they will have each other! Set the norm now that they need to visit on your terms going forward rather than them telling you when they are coming. They sound miserable to be around so definitely don't back down and regret it later.

Yes all Christmases are important and the nature of how you had your baby has no bearing on spending the day with family so they can enjoy ‘baby’s first Christmas’ too.