To ignore MIL about this (TW infant loss)

[BellaSignoraa]

Next weekend will be the anniversary of the loss of our first baby. Unfortunately the day is also my MILs birthday, a big birthday this year. I have always hated this being the same day and I know it can’t be easy for MIL, who I generally have a good relationship with.

I the last 4 years I have just put a little post on social media to mark DD on this day. Nothing gushy or horrid, usually just a little foot picture and name with a heart in the caption. I’m not a massive SM user but on that day it makes me feel like she’s not being forgotten about.

MIL has asked me not to post it this year and could I wait until the next day. She uses SM a lot more than me. She doesn’t want to be bummed out on her big birthday and we are going to be having a celebration on that day.

I do get it, but it hurts my heart a little bit that we will be having a nice time without acknowledging DD. We are at the ILs for the weekend. Part of me knows that none of it really matters and the most important thing is that we are thinking of her, and we do everyday so why use one day to mark it more? But I’m struggling with how I feel about it. Part of me hates that I even care about sharing it 🤣

I was thinking of just doing it anyway but would that BU?

(yes I have spoken to DH about it. He doesn’t really get it from either perspective.. or he’s just saying that to keep out of it)

Sorry for your loss.

Can you post it but change your settings so she can't see it?

Sorry for your loss. If she doesn’t want to see your post then fine, she knows that you are likely to post so she can block / unfollow you temporarily, you don’t have to change your acknowledgement of your precious child because it is ‘inconvenient’ for your MILs birthday celebrations.

this

but i imagine not enough drama for mumsnet

I would have told her no at the time. I’m sorry for your loss. You deserve to mark the day as you see fit. I would post the same as you always do

This. An easy way to avoid a drama.

Can you do that for just one post?

Well if I can block her from seeing that post in particular then problem solved 💖 knew MN would come through. Thank you

Yes when you make your post there’s a drop down for audience with options like public and friends. There’s one for Friends except…

Your loss means more than her birthdays. Post what you want.

And part of me knows it’s a bit silly tbh to even be worrying over it. I think any other year I would have just said ok. But seeing as we are at the ILs so won’t be able to visit DD on the day then it already feels worse

She’s being very unreasonable.
Put the post up, remember your baby, but yes, hide it from her x

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my first baby son many many years ago and I still think about him almost daily. Losing your child is a life changing experience imo.
I think your MiL is really lacking in empathy and is being very selfish. You need to mark the anniversary in the way that is right for you and which helps you to cope with your very natural feelings.
And you need to tell her that whilst you don't want to upset her you need to post your In Memorium message.

She has no right to request that. Sorry for your loss x

That was an awful thing for her to ask you. I think you're very good to be visiting her on that weekend, it would be very understandable if you weren't up to it. I don't know why she didn't move the main celebration of her birthday by a week tbh.

So sorry op. Do whatever you need to do to mark the anniversary. Very unempathetic form mil

I'd block her from the post to avoid her bringing it up with me again. But I think she's awful for asking.

Yes...you can click to 'hide post from' and then select. I know it's there but can't remember the options off the top of my head.

It's how you see the 'Hi everyone, I'm throwing a surprise party for X' posts - they just hide it from that one person.

I think she's been insensitive. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would temporarily block her for the day if she's so worried about her mood.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You should remember your DD is whatever way you choose. I'm shocked she would suggest you wait to be honest.

Yabu to ever consider not marking your dd on the correct date wherever you choose.. ... Mil can get over herself. Maybe unfriend her full stop? She sounds a real brat.
Send back can she change her birthday celebration because you will be only thinking about your dd.

as pp's have mentioned @BellaSignoraa and just in case you need detailed steps

https://www.lifewire.com/how-to-hide-specific-facebook-posts-from-nosy-people-2487421

This seems the best compromise. Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔 You have the right to commemorate your child however way you want, on whichever day you want. Your MIL doesn't get to dictate that, and if she feels bummed down by it, it's a her problem and feelings that she has to deal with. It's not your responsibility to manage her feelings (you've got your own to manage which i guess mustn't be easy). I would say something like "I understand that it isn't easy to be thinking about our beloved DD/DGD on your birthday, which is a celebration day. I'm afraid that as her mum, I cannot disregard her memory to accommodate others, so I hope you understand that I will commemorate her on the day of her loss. I can hide the post from your account if that helps."

There’s only one scenario in which I would agree to put my grief aside for someone’s birthday and that would be for a child. She’s behaving like a child. Agree with other posters, I’m shocked she’d be so insensitive to ask - wether it bums her out or not. A child relationship trumps a mother-in-law relationship. It may be her big day in her life but it isn’t yours.

I'd also add that if I were the MIL, I would make a point each year on my birthday to remember the loss of GDG, have her present in some way (picture for her, her name appearing somewhere on the cake or banner/balloons, having candles lit for her or a minute of silence etc.) I would make a point of sharing this important date with her ❤️💔