To ignore MIL about this (TW infant loss)

[BellaSignoraa]

Next weekend will be the anniversary of the loss of our first baby. Unfortunately the day is also my MILs birthday, a big birthday this year. I have always hated this being the same day and I know it can’t be easy for MIL, who I generally have a good relationship with.

I the last 4 years I have just put a little post on social media to mark DD on this day. Nothing gushy or horrid, usually just a little foot picture and name with a heart in the caption. I’m not a massive SM user but on that day it makes me feel like she’s not being forgotten about.

MIL has asked me not to post it this year and could I wait until the next day. She uses SM a lot more than me. She doesn’t want to be bummed out on her big birthday and we are going to be having a celebration on that day.

I do get it, but it hurts my heart a little bit that we will be having a nice time without acknowledging DD. We are at the ILs for the weekend. Part of me knows that none of it really matters and the most important thing is that we are thinking of her, and we do everyday so why use one day to mark it more? But I’m struggling with how I feel about it. Part of me hates that I even care about sharing it 🤣

I was thinking of just doing it anyway but would that BU?

(yes I have spoken to DH about it. He doesn’t really get it from either perspective.. or he’s just saying that to keep out of it)

I'd change your settings so that MIL doesn't see, but also give her a heads up that it's what you're doing. Say that it will be very difficult because you won't be able to visit your DD, and that posting on SM helps because you want people to remember her.
In case someone else from the family sees the post and mentions it to your MIL...

I think what she, an adult, has requested is outrageous.

Your DH surprises me too.

Yeah, you can make a lists on facebook for your posts who will specifically see if, you could do something like that.

It's very easy to set up a filter on fb to only show certain things to certain people. Just cut her out for the one day, post your picture, and then carry on.
She'll probably be savvy enough to know that you'll post it anyway, but the old adage "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" rings true here.

Unfortunately this sort of thing happens often. A very dear friend of mine gave birth to her first child on the same day my dad died. Now whenever she does her "Happy birthday X!" yearly post, I'm reminded how many years my dad has been gone.
I'd never dream of asking her not to post.

I think she's awful for suggesting it.

She doesn't want you to post about your child, her grandchild, because it would upset her?

Wtf.

For her to sit there and think about the loss of your beautiful baby, and twist it into you having to change your behaviour so as not to upset her is an extraordinary level of selfish.

I've been a bereaved parent for most of my life at this point, and, in the early days, made all sorts of concessions so my grief didn't impact other people, I felt guilty, I didn't want to upset anyone, but I put my own grieving and feelings on hold because of it, and learned the hard way that it isn't healthy.

At this point I wouldn't even bother going to celebrate her day when she can't even bear to acknowledge yours, but I understand that would be difficult. You should either remove her from SM altogether, or tell her you will be commemorating your dd so suggest she removes you.

You shouldn't have to think about anyone else but your baby while making that post.

I hope the day passes as gently as it can for you.

My Birthday is on Christmas Day. My FIL died on Christmas Day last year while we were all together. It will never be the same for my DH's family and I would not even think of making a fuss. That's abhorrent.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I just want to say you do what YOU want to do. Your MIL is being very insensitive.

This is awful. Why should you hide your grief? I would post it anyway, maybe after her celebration but the same day. Depends if you want a showdown with MiL or not if she dares mention it.
Look after yourself, I can’t imagine how hard this day normally is x

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a nasty selfish request from your MIL

She's acting like a melodramatic, spoilt teenager. It's social media ffs. Block her from the post.

Also

Very selfish of your MIL. You are allowed to commemorate your daughter however you wish.

Remind your MIL not to pass on your birthday in future or she won’t be remembered as that clashes. How ridiculous.

What a cruel thing to say about someone who has lost their baby.

Tell her that she is free you block you for the day or forever.

Another one who thinks your mil has been very insensitive and unkind. So sorry for your loss.

Post about your baby, and continue your tradition of making sure she is remembered on this day. 💕
The world doesn't stop because MIL has a big birthday! How insensitive of her to expect you to postpone your memories, and your heartache until she's had her special moment! If she suggests this nonsense again, how about you suggest she postpones her big celebrations by a day, so it doesn't overshadow the pain you feel from one of the biggest losses of your life... How dare she!!
I'm so sorry for your loss, and you should honour your baby at any time, and in any way that you desire 💕

I don’t think she means it in a horrible way at all. We don’t live in the same country but we generally have a good relationship and she goes out of her way to speak to me separately and not just go through DH all the time. This is the first time in ages the whole family will be together and I think she is just trying to make it as nice as possible and in her head that would help? I’m going to post anyway, blocking her, and give her a heads up/give her the chance to change her mind.

thanks so much all 💖

I think if I were in her shoes I would find it very hard as well. So trying to be gracious, I know it’s not always easy to know the best thing to do/say

You are a very nice person OP. It's hard to see others views on such a tragedy. So very sorry for your loss.

You're very kind.

Agree with this. If one of my family suggested I didn’t post anything related to late dd on her birthday or the anniversary of her death, I’m not sure I would be speaking to them again. People are so self absorbed.

Sounds like you have had some good advice with social media. You could light a candle or lantern x

So sorry for your loss. If it helps you to post on SM to remember DD, you should feel absolutely free to do so. Block MIL first so that she doesn't have to see it though.
In your position I might not go to her birthday weekend though. Not to make a point (I'd send her the usual card and present etc) but because it would be too upsetting.

I don't think she should have asked - but losing her granddaughter is an enduring hurt for her too and on a day that's special to her. Hiding your post is a good solution.

This

It's easy to exclude an individual person from a facebook post.

The next day you can change the settings back to everyone-can-view again so she can give her love/care emoji if that's her thing.

Sorry for your loss. It's ok to accept that the pain never goes away.