Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Wait what?! I'd have to know someone really well to impose on them like that.

I've got mixed feelings. One of the big problems with second home ownership/holiday rentals in rural areas such as the place where I live is that they are owned or visited by people who don't contribute to the wider community. That can lead to the numbers using various facilities dropping so much that they are no longer viable. So generally it should be better if part time residents do view themselves as part of the community and use local facilities.
However, there's being involved and being involved. I think that sometimes holidaymakers forget that the people who live full time in their holiday destinations are not on holiday themselves. We have jobs, family responsibilities and hobbies and we do normal everyday stuff just like they do when they are at home. We're not employed by the local tourist board and we're not there for their entertainment. And there's the same range of personalities that you get everywhere. Some people are super sociable but others aren't and living in a holiday area doesn't obligate everyone to behave like Disney cast members.
Obviously not all visitors are like this but there are definitely those to whom "being involved" in the community means being entertained but not actually making any contribution. It sounds like the OP's neighbours fall into that category unfortunately. Doing stuff like trying to get permanent residents to look after their house when they're not there is downright rude. I wouldn't ask my neighbours to do some of those things and I've lived here permanently for nearly 25 years.

Thank you for noticing the 'I've arrived safely' message. Exactly. She's an adult, it's her house. I'm flummoxed.

Quite, @Ggmores . I lived in London for many years. I had fantastic neighbours who couldn't do enough for me. I made loads of friends. Oh, and they'd always ask me to join hobby groups and recommend trades people.

Well, bit of a drip feed. She shouldnt ask you to do anything around her house.
The rest of it sounds ok or not much to get so annoyed by.

She's just letting you know she's arrived. Why does it bother you? I'm flummoxed.

Sounds like they're making the effort to be part of the community and don't want to be seen as outsiders.

And you're resenting then even being there.

If you don't want to be friends or include them, then let them know and get on with your life. Would you prefer it if they came down and ignored you all and didn't use the local facilities but brought everything with them?

I don't think your neighbours can win.

Maybe ask them for favours back- they’ll say no obviously but it might make it clearer to them the imbalance!

if they’re from London keep asking the. To bring you stuff from Harrods or F&M

Disney cast members is exactly spot on in describing the expectations of tourists/second home owners towards locals.

Many don't realise that we're simply living our lives. We're not on holiday or actually have time to invest in people who are here one day and gone the next. Especially when the relationship is so obviously entirely transactional from their side. Not sure why that's so hard to understand.

Maybe you can use their London house some weekends to go to the theatre or the museums?

Maybe she can do litter picks/ fund raising for the church roof/ errands for old folk

Do they have professional skills that you could use?

I live in an area where there are lots of second homes. It's difficult when people come up on holiday wanting to chat and find put what's going on, when I'm working full time, looking after kids etc. I am polite but don't want to invest the time in someone who is there for the weekend. That might sound rude, but I haven't got hours spare to discuss the fells and local community!

God spare us from the sophisticated city types turning our lives into a hobby, it's beyond patronising. One imagines they think we'll be flattered by their interest in our "simple ways". Tell them to bugger off you're busy.

I think your issue is they seem to be putting on you beyond a normal neighbourly friendship and lacking in boundaries. Be polite and friendly, join them for a drink in the pub, but you don’t need to be their social secretary or unpaid lackey ! Asking you to arrange tradespeople for them and to pay was a piss take !!

Amazing that people think Londoners aren't friendly.

I know! Especially given some of the posts on here from the rural dwellers!

Absolutely.
It's also very ridiculous to have the 'Townie' comments- My friend born rurally ached to live in London - and did when she was older {18} Said she could't wait to get away from the curtain twitchy gossipy village where her parents had their {lovely} house.

I've mentioned this many a time and there's never an answer

At least this one's trying to join in and has made some nice gestures already, but it'll never be enough to those for whom you have to have lived there 40 years to "belong"

Pity really - who knows if they haven't got skills which might be really useful to the community, even in just 10 weeks a year

Get her on the local whatsapp group. If she is willing to wade through hundreds of messages about lost cats and sheep loose in the road at Bibbybobby Corner and the big pothole on Lumpyarse Road and has anyone's else's electricity gone off too and does anyone want this old Swingball and kids' puzzle and pair of trainers , to pick out the gold about when the litter pick and the Gout Awareness coffee morning are on, then she's in .

Sounds a lot like they want caretakers for their house though.

It is nice that they are friendly, it could be much worse, but they seem to have a aquired you as friends, ( or helpers) whether you like it or not ! 🤣

I guess the question is whether this is about them being second home owners or you just not really wanting relationships with your neighbours or you disliking her personality? It sounds like you might be conflating some other things? If you lived in London for 20 years without making friends with neighbours, I'm thinking maybe it's the first? Nothing wrong with that if that's how you feel, but would you find it different if someone local had moved in and seemed to want the same level of contact this woman does?

For what it's worth, I've lived in 3 neighbourhoods in London, all pretty central, and have always found lovely, friendly neighbours, so my experience has been different.

In your shoes, I think I'd be pleasant. I'd just say no to outrageous requests (sorry, Dan didn't have time to do your gutters and suggested you give him a ring to arrange a time). Let her come to book group - it's not like she's interfering in a romantic date, it's a night in a pub where a group of you are talking about a book. If she's that awful the group dynamic will see her out. And introduce her to a couple of the village organisers or another neighbour who's very involved in something - they'll be happy to have her.

And now, funnily enough (I'm in another country in our second home) I have to sign off because we've been invited to dinner at the neighbours' house 😅

Can't speak for Frome but if you were to move here you'd be welcome, as I was in 2009 despite coming from London. Presumably, over time, you'd have some involvement in the community and get to know people by joining the gardening club or the WI or the bridge club (yes, there is one, I can't play) or going to badminton or am dram in the community hall or playing in the ceilidh band or doing teas at the over-60s warm space or helping maintain the wildlife bit of the recreation ground, or the dog poo patrol or beach clean-up brigade, or volunteering for the coastguard lookout or just going to the pub quiz every week and helping to keep the pub going. None of which my neighbours do, except perhaps the pub quiz a couple of times a year, because they're not here regularly.

Just forward them every email about donating to the local foodbank/primary school/cleaning the beach etc etc. Then when they don't participate tell them that you aren't going to include them in your community going forward until they give back.

for those implying it’s impossible to make friend in a new place without being pushy like this - I’ve recently moved to a new town. I quite obviously don’t belong here (different race than predominant) and I knew no one within 500 miles when I got here. It’s slow but yes im making friends. I went to a local dance group, hoping to find a regular partner. Joined up with someone who didn’t seem to like me much. I kept being friendly but made it easy for them to get away. After a while of this gentle friendliness they suggested partnering up the following week. And they’ve now become a friend. I invited some people from work to watch a sporting event, only one came. It was super awkward but I made the best of it. Allowed some space afterwards to that person, and wasn’t offended or weird that others made excuses, kept being quietly friendly, later got invited to attend a different sporting event and making progress on those friendships. It’s not like you have to go to one extreme or the other. You can be friendly and not demanding. You can make it clear you are interested in doing stuff together and make it easy for the other person to say no. It’s not exactly rocket science, is it? And it’s not really a city vs country thing. It’s just people.

Is this the new Be Kind?

The newby seems to regard rural dwellers as a different species. I'd just treat her like any other neighbour and only spend time with her if you want to.