Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Also, send her a message. “Just an FYI, Please don’t share my phone number with anyone. I didn’t give you permission to give it to your family members to problem solve for them when they come in from London. I’m not a handyman.”

Living in a seaside country area we welcome anyone from anywhere. I love chatting to neighbours and acquaintances who have lived elsewhere. It enriches life like vicarious travelling.

Holidaymakers ...welcomed.

2nd home owners are holidaymakers - welcomed

We recommend restaurants, footpaths, direct you to petrol stations, local delis, explain where dogs need to be on lead.

Expecting to be considered local, a neighbour, a friend and expecting the favours that can bring ......when you're a holidaymaker 🤷‍♂️ er why? Wanting me to wait on deliveries, let your cleaner in, let you gatecrash my friends get together. 🤷‍♂️

2nd home ownership is tricky trying to manage your property from a distance but you need to employ people not expect the neighbours to be your agents.

You cannot disagree with my lived experience, especially as it relates to an area where lots of folk did grow up here. I also didn't say incomers couldn't be a part of the community, but folk who grew up in an area are generally more connected.

I'm not disagreeing that it happens. And it goes back to my point exactly as to why I would never live back in a rural setting.
I'm saying that a community can be very strong without needed to be made up of people who have lived all their lives in an area. In fact I would argue a strong community is one that is very welcoming to new people as it's not threatened or afraid to adapt.

Thank you, @Shellingbynight — you get it. Yes, every time there's a storm or snow or high winds I get a call asking me if everything's all right and would I go in and check for them. Last year they phoned me while I was away on holiday in Portugal before Christmas, asking me if I'd pop round and turn their water off at the mains because they could see from the weather forecast we were due a cold spell and they didn't want their pipes to freeze. She was 'Oh, we didn't know you were going to be away, that's disappointing. Now we'll worry about the place freezing...' as if I'd let them down by having a life of my own.

When they first moved here they used to ask me to go in a couple of hours before they were due to arrive to put the heating on for them. I have definitely feel like staff at times. I'm not great at hard nos, but I'm going to have to up my game.

Nobody has "taken" a home from a local. They bought a home, presumably from a local person. You cannot police where a person buys a home, second or otherwise.

This is a real drip feed. Obviously none of this is ok, even if they lived there all the time.

@DonnatellaLyman Exactly! London is phenomenally expensive and loads of overseas investors.Richmond Hill where I once lived is phenomenally expensive. £15,000,000 for this house.

The second home owners being able to offer higher prices than locals does essentially block locals from purchasing. Many folk say locals sell to non-locals, which does happen, but non-locals will be selling to non-locals too.

Blimey. Talk about a drip feed. The next post will be all about the expectation that the OP will have prepared meals...or has that already happened?

OP has said quite early on what her neighbours expect.

Drip feeding: those of us who have experienced this didn't need an epic first post to know the sort of context. However I could tell many people would take from it second home owners are unwelcome, we are insular etc etc

That does happen!
This situation is different

No would be my answer to those requests, with a screenshot of ads of gardeners and gutter cleaners from the local paper!

i’d also point her in the direction of local beach cleans/litter picks/volunteering opportunities when she asks for community involvement ideas! X

No she has not. This is enhanced detail.

That's capitalism for you. People are free to buy where they choose. Resentment isn't going to stop that happening. C'est la vie.

She's added more specifics but she definitely mentioned their intrusive nature early on.

She has certainly added more specifics. That's very true.

Some people are not free to buy where they choose though, even in their own community, that's the point. More regulations are required.

I wouldn't even reply.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.

@IMustConfess That is all very familiar - we too had requests to pop in and put the heating on before they arrived.

When they came round with the inevitable "can I ask a favour" my neighbour would reply: "well you can ask..."

We really aren't unobliging or unfriendly but we aren't staff and I'm not gripped with supervising furniture deliveries while they are 120 miles away.

I'm half with you and half with your neighbour. The book group/expecting reciprocal invitations stuff just sounds like overzealous friendliness to me- maybe that's the vibe in the community that she lives in most of the time and she's just trying to make friends and get involved. I can also understand why you find it irritating, but if you've been friendly and let her tag along, how is she supposed to know? Noone's perfect, if you enjoy her company in limited doses then I'd just socialise when you feel like it and tell her you're busy when you don't.

The idea that everyone keeps to themselves and doesn't talk to their neighbours in London is a myth. I'm not sure where this idea comes from- London can feel very busy and unfriendly in the more touristy areas, but communities tend to be very friendly. Lived in SE London for years and it was a friendly place where everyone knew everyone. The only difference between there and where I live now is that nobody was particularly aware that someone was an incomer, partly because the area was larger so a lot more people and partly because people came and left much more frequently.

However, your neighbour's behaviour with the gutters etc is arseholery. It's not on to expect people who live there full time to facilitate things like this- I imagine that organising work on the house is challenging if you only visit occasionally, but that's part and parcel of second home ownership and their problem to solve, either by paying someone to look after the house when they go away or travelling to deal with it themselves. I'd be really cross about being asked to do that and would let her know you consider it an unreasonable ask. Otherwise I reckon the requests will keep coming 😬

Never known such a fuss over another Londoner!

OP is a Londoner trying to be more ''Local'' than the actual locals.

''I belong here, you don't'' like something out of a kid's playground.

Sounds hideous.

Indeed. I called CF in my first post. It was clear from asking her to pay the guttering guy what they were like.

But OP seems to dislike them as much for being sociable and keen as their cheeky fuckery.

Trying to work out if I should take this thread as a warning. DH and I are thinking of moving in a couple of years (currently Surrey) and buying something with a bit of land in a rural location oxfordshire/cotswolds way. We’d have enough to keep a small flat in London for when he is working there (50%) of time and for the kids to live in while attending university (both are ASD/ADHD, so won’t easily settle in halls). We have family in Oxfordhire and aging iiLs in Shropshire so thought it was a practical fix meaning we could see them/have them stay more easily as they are getting on and health is not great, whilst manage 10 years of working until retirement… and our two spaniels! Am now wondering whether we’re being naive about how easy it is to move and integrate in a new town/village?

We’d hoped that, as it would become our primary home as we approach retirement, that we’d just get stuck in and try to make friends - DH is a qualified cricket coach at a local village club for U16s, I used to run brownies and beavers etc so we thought we’d just join the local clubs and volunteer. And hang out in the village pub at night. We’re neither of us the church going type but always willing to pitch in if there is a community gardening project etc. I’d absolutely LOVE a book club as no-one where I live now seems to read books much or belong to anything similar, unless they are in the u3A, which I am not quite old enough for (yet).

Feeling a bit deflated that outsiders really can’t integrate after all (not just the pushy entitled one’s like Op’s new neighbours!)

Yes people can be real tw@ts. It’s actually friendlier in my former london suburb. I now live in the countryside and people are super hard to get to know. I’ve learnt not to pour time into the people who never reciprocate