Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

Did the owners of the home give your number to their extended family without your consent? In which case that is not cool and gives you the perfect excuse to pull back.

Just say you're not comfortable with being expected to look after her family whilst they're all in holiday whilst you're getting on with your busy life.

I think a degree of honesty is needed, that you're neighbours, not friends. I would also stop doing the garden, gutters etc as that implies a friendship.

They want to get involved, so involve them.

1. She is now chair of the floral arranging group
2. He’s doing litter picking 9-10am each Sunday
3. Local meals on wheels needs volunteers
4. Old Bob’s roof has a loose tile, are they Ok with heights?

I've lived in various places rural and urban and don't think people in any particular size of conurbation or area of the UK are friendlier others although some particular areas or streets in an area can be less friendly. I'm probably a townie at heart as I like somewhere compact with amenities and where there isn't an expectation of joining church flower rotas etc although when I did live in a village I just went to work and got on with my life as usual as did most people in the village, although it wasn't a retirement village which maybe made a difference.
If someone asked me what's going on in the "community " they'd get a blank look as I only know about the things I'm interested in which may be outwith my town.
I'd be honest but pleasant with her. If you don't want to water her garden tell her you don't have time for it and suggest as others have said that she gets a property manager for jobs she wants doing when she's away. If you want to socialise with do if you don't keep it minimal.

Well this thread is an eye opener. Who knew that locals in picturesque coastal villages love second home owners (what was that film 'Bait' on about?)? I always said I wouldn't consider a holiday home that wasn't actually on a holiday park, to avoid taking homes from locals, but now I know locals in these places love second home owners and have no issue with youngsters being priced out of the market. Every day's a school day.

Sorry OP this thread made my day!

as a Londoner ( who grew up in a popular holiday area), I know exactly the type you mention.

I can imagine someone a bit like Marie antoinette going to her farm in the French countryside to milk cows and pretend to be a milk maid!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. To me it seems like she sees the village a bit like a theme park and local events are the rides - stuff she’s entitled to participate in as part of the package. I’m sure she doesn’t think that way, it’s just how it struck me.

But I do think she’s being too pushy in the hope of being seen as part of the community when she’s only there sporadically. If she was there a month at a time that would be slightly different but book clubs, dinner parties are not tourist attractions.

Right?!

Can you tell us which seaside it is as it is my dream to move to the coast. I have somewhere in mind but would cross this one off my list!

This thread reminds me why I moved to a city 😂

That's fucking cheeky to be fair. You're not the local handyman. Overbearing and entitled neighbours are annoying anywhere, but it sounds even worse to be treated like bit players/extras in their 'A Place in the Country' tv show.

😂 This made me laugh! Can we add the brass polishing in the church, Mary’s hip replacement shift and a donation of £££ would be most helpful for the church roof

Why?

Well actually, no, London wasn't always like that, I was born and grew up in West London and it was very community orientated, it changed where I lived and grew up when every man and their dog wanted to move to London and houses became flats! However, the are of North London my siblings live in is still very much a neighbourly place.

I live in a rural area with lots of second homes. In reality most rural communities are desperate for people who can make a regular commitment by joining the parish council or village hall committee and it doesn't sound like they're around enough to do that or that's the kind of commitment they want. Although I know some second home owners who volunteer at the village fete each year which is easy to do as it's a fixed day.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect to just slot in to a community when you're coming and going. I've met most of my friends through toddler groups /school/work/regular volunteering none of which apply to second home owners.

It's the small mindedness. I mean I dislike second homers and wouldn't encourage that at all but it's the attitude that you have to have been in the countryside for 4 generations before you understand it and how everyone with a different view is someone to be wary of.
Whereas my neighbours are from all over the country and world. We get on well and welcome new people from all over.

This thread is hilarious.

I think a lot of people on here would benefit from opening their minds a little bit and accepting that it takes all sorts and that there is a world outside their little village that they've lived in all their lives.

My town has few second homes and isn't really a retirement destination although we've decided to stay here when we retire because the concept of retiring to the country/ seaside means many of these areas have expensive houses and few people who want to work in the pubs/ shops so they close down or are only open reduced hours with volunteers.
If someone did move near me and wanted to be friends I think how friendly I'd be would depend more on how much I liked them not how many weeks they're staying for. I wouldn't be doing jobs for them unless they're frail and incapable though as I can't be bothered with that and would tell them watering gardens is not one of my hobbies.

It's not small minded to recognise that 2nd home owners are most definitely not part of the community in the same way that many folk who live their full-time are.

What's hilarious is 2nd home owners thinking they'll ever be as much a part of a community as folk who actually live there.

I'm not sure, as we went the first time when it was fairly new and they have expanded since then. We first went in 2020 (mid COVID) and it was about £40 for the two of us. We were pleasantly surprised that we could go back for a year, so went twice in that holiday and returned just over a year later to find the year had been extended as there had been another lockdown in between. You could do it all in a day, so their spiel of 'you need a membership to benefit from everything we offer' is a bit OTT. It's a really nice place, but not £160 for a day out if you know you won't be visiting the area again in the next year.

What is a community?

If it means anything it's people who will help each other out when something goes wrong. It's informal mutual support.

Part-time neighbours can't be part of a community because they're never bloody there when you need some help. So it's all one way. They take from a community but never give.

I didn't say it was. I was talking about moving to the country full-time.

Folk who move somewhere can become part of the community, but they'll never be as much a part of the community as some folk who've lived there their entire lives. I say that as someone who moved to a rural/island location over 20 years ago (and married into a local family). It's understandable.

I completely understand what you are saying OP.
I moved from London to the coast many years ago and about half the properties here are weekenders. Many do treat the locals as ‘resources’, my (full time) neighbour once said she felt like we were treated like staff - could you pay the window cleaner, let the John Lewis delivery men in, check the window hasn’t leaked, recommend x y and z. They arrive for holidays and avoid their second homes during bad weather (and during winter full stop), so for them the area is a scenic theme park - which is fine, but we aren't their staff. Both my neighbour and I became good at a hard no.

I disagree because where I live the community is really strong, loads going on but hardly anyone grew up here.