Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

[IMustConfess]

I live in a village on the coast in a semi-rural area. It's a place where people come to live for a relatively quiet life with great walks, fresh air and unspoiled beaches. Lots of artists and writers and gardeners.

Two years ago a couple from London bought the small detached property next door to me. It's a holiday home for them and their friends and family. They're in their 50s, clearly used to a busy lifestyle in London. Lots of talk of theatre and gigs and nice restaurants. They moved in and invited a few locals to dinner and said they wanted to get involved with whatever's going on. They clearly expected to be invited back to eat with everyone and were surprised when some didn't reciprocate. 'But we were told there was a great community here!' They went round knocking on lots of doors and introducing themselves and saying how much they wanted to be involved, but they're probably only here for 10 weeks of the year max. One of my neighbours was really pissed off by it. She said it was like they had an idea of country life they'd got from a TV drama.

When their families come down independently they knock on my door and introduce themselves and say how wonderful that we're all such good friends/ such a lovely community and seem to expect to be invited in and given tea and told what's on. If there's something happening they want me to take them along. They've clearly been told I'll be happy to include them.

This year the husband's been working away a lot and so the wife has been coming down on her own. She always messages me a day or two before she's due to arrive and announces she's coming and wants to know what's on in 'the community'. She messages me when she's arrived so I know she's arrived safely. 😱She expects to be included in anything I've got going on. I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.

When I moved here I got to know people slowly and worked out who I got on with. My neighbours seem to think friendship comes on a plate and everyone loves them. We have friends who live next door to an AirBnB and say something similar: many of the people who rent the place want to talk to them as if they're friends and happy to spend half an hour telling them which coastal walk is most scenic or which local pub does the best beer. We live here: we're not tourist information or rent-a-mate.

Are we the unreasonable ones? What's going on with people that they think they can just waltz into a new area and everyone'll love them?

i do think there’s scope for saying at the next request ‘you know the thing about good neighbours is they do these things for each other. But I live here and you just holiday here so im sure if you think about ti you can see I feel like a free resource here asked to get gutters cleaned etc. If you buy a holiday house you need a plan for maintaining it and I’m afraid I have a life here, I’m not your plan.

Please do this and report back

YANBU!

I live in a friendly tiny village I rarely get involved in community activities because I can’t stand things like that the only thing I do is attend the summer fete.
I’ve made lots of friends just by being generally friendly to people I meet I really don’t think being a member of the WI (wince) or playing in the ceilidh band (the mere thought of it makes me want to run for the hills) is essential to be part of rural/village life.
IMO it’s got a trying slightly too hard to accepted feel about it, my village does organise occasional pop up pubs and quiz nights but apparently it’s mainly new(ish) comers who attend. Those born and bred here just get on with their lives.

Oo, she’s going round this the wrong way!
I’ve been split located since the spring and since I’ve become a second homer I’ve attended various local meetings, volunteered for three different events, visited and spent money in the village shop every weekend, laboured on the farm and increased the church congregation by 20% (and set up direct debit)
I have a busier social life here than where I am (slightly) most of the time.
No dinner parties though 🤨

We have neighbours like that. We’re the entertainment and it pissed me off no end to be patronised like that. We own a small holding and these people would turn up, sometimes with their friends, and show them around or just ask us questions about how we run the place. They were genuinely gobsmacked when I asked them to leave one day and to ask before coming up as they were interrupting my working day - they said they didn’t think we worked! I am an outsider here myself, I am happy to be sociable to anyone trying to make friends but myself and my home are not props for someone’s country experience.

It's very simple. You tell them in your lovely personal way that no one will be doing anything for them as it stands because they don't spend enough time locally for people to feel they are part of the community and that's fair enough. Nothing personal, nothing mean, just the way things go and fair dos they'll have to admit that newcomers to any city, village, town, estate in the UK has to be there full time and really make the effort if they want to rapidly become part of the community. Don't overthink. It's as simple as that.

@FishOnTheTrain don’t know. I’m only going off what OP said which is all we’ve got to go on here!

”I took her to my book group when she was down in the summer, and now she expects to be included and tries to get us to schedule our meet-ups for when she's here.”

The Newt - Son went there as his Dad was doing an event there- Son wound me up by saying he and his girlfriend had put an offer in on a tiny cottage, only £150k...and I believed him! {Having not been aware of it}

He then said it was a joke, and that they'd only visited.

Pic of the cottage from trip advisor as don't want to show pic of son outside of it.

Good joke though {I'm pretty gullible}

Its quite possible they intend to retire to this cottage one day.
Honestly, I get that you might not want to be friends with them - fair enough.
But it sounds like you are being snobby about them not living there as long as you have.

I used to live in the South-West and often had weekend breaks in Cornwall. But as for, would I like to live there, absolutely not.

Yes. Any desire I have to move out of London has been quashed by reading stuff like this about how unwelcoming so many people are in rural areas. It sounds like there is no way to integrate whatever you do. Police being called during the pandemic because people wanted to escape to their second home. Just so small-minded. I can’t afford a second home but if I could, it definitely wouldn’t be somewhere like these villages!

We have had new neighbours move in a couple of weeks ago. We have had loads of friendly chat and advised them about local stuff. In London. Who’d have thought…

@IMustConfess

Next time she messages to ask 'what's on' in the community, send her a link to any 'community service' days. You know what I mean, Wednesday; meet at the park to pick up trash, Saturday: painting the bleachers at the local school, Monday: serve lunch at the senior centre, that sort of thing. If she wants to be part of the community, let her be a useful part.

There will be many ways they can help their community. Why not take a bit of time for research and then direct them to the Parish Council, the local Village Hall Committee, the playgroup, the PTA for local schools, Meals on Wheels, Scouting and GirlGuiding, etc etc etc

Most organisations are desperate for volunteers. They could do some good for the community with their enthusiasm 😀

I don’t know about cookies but when I was a child that just meant a fool. It was quite commonly used. Nothing racist about it. Its meaning has been corrupted since.

Etymology 1
From the cant word nigmenog, denoting a very silly fellow, according to A New Dictionary of the Terms Ancient and Modern of the Canting Crew (c.1698).[1] Compare .
Noun
nig-nog (plural nig-nogs)

1. (slang) A foolish person; hence, a raw and unskilled recruit.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/nig-nog

No, not "everyone". Plenty here confirming that the new wannabe friens is a CF.

this would wind me right up and I’m super friendly but friendliness is earned not handed on a plate.

I would reply “not sure what’s on as we are having a quiet week. Maybe join the local FB group. Have a good time while you are up”

make it clear you won’t be readily available. And don’t respond when she tells you she has arrived safely apart from a thumbs up emoji. I also got a ring doorbell and unless I invited you round I just won’t go to the door and let you in.

This is the kind of patronising tosh that puts people's backs up.

'We may only be here for 10 weeks of the year but we're much more educated than you peasants so you should be sensible and just be grateful for us dipping in and out of your community'.

Actually there is a very good answer to why second home owners are able to buy property and not locals.

1. Often younger generations have moved away and when their parents die the property is sold as part of probate and split amongst beneficiaries. Inevitably London buyers have more money than locals so can offer a higher price to the executor.

1. Local wages are low so second home owners driving up the prices puts it out of the reach of locals. Second home owners shrug their shoulders and say not my problem they sold it to me and then expect to be welcomed with open arms because they might laughably bring some sort of special skill to the community for the 10 weeks they're there.

Hopefully the 100% increase in council tax for second homes, increase in second home stamp duty and increasing utilities costs will result in more second homes being sold to locals

Everyone has a right to a roof over their head.

I live in a village like this & I'm moving because I cannot stand the small minded Royston Vassey clique villagers. I'd love some friendly part timers to be honest.
Does it matter if they're not there all the time? It sounds like you & some others in your village don't really like second home owners & are using the fact that they are not there all of the time to judge them harshly. I'd just relax. Life is too short for pettiness.

References to Covid- some perspective. We had little covid infection in our area. Small population and the locals complied with covid rules meticulously.

"people wanted to escape to their second home" Can you really not see why a small population didn't want an influx of people from high covid areas" during the lockdown. The whole point of lockdown was minimising spread between affected and non affected areas. Assuming your 2nd home gives you special status to ignore is what made you unpopular

The Airbnb people are having a kindly chat. Just asking where’s the nearest pub from a local isn’t rude.

Your new neighbour is much the same although obviously coming across as a little pushy. That’s clearly just their way although difficult to really be part of a community when not living in it full time.
Hopefully over time they’ll gradually make friends as they clearly aren’t ignoring everyone ( which would be worse I think ),

It won't because the issue as you've pointed out is lack of work in rural areas, no matter how reasonable the houses they are out of reach.
You can't blame second home owners for the explicit reasons you've pointed out.

Couldn’t agree more.

''Nothing racist about it?''

You have to be kidding.

I'm white, but it's a hugely racist term.
Only someone living under a rock would think it an acceptable term to use in this day and age.

I think the OP lives in Royston Vassey

She sounds very pushy. I think you need to plan how to deal with different scenarios.

eg. If she asks you to do something like the gutters or the garden, just say: "After a busy week, I can barely face doing my own chores, let alone someone else's! Sounds like you need a property manager."

Then give her the number of a local property manager. Then, every time she asks for a favour, ask her if she has given the property manager a call. Ensure your reply includes reference to doing other people's chores. Don't let her frame it as a little favour.

(To be clear, I am happy to do favours for neighbours but they aren't pushy like this couple!)

I liked a PPs suggestion to tell her to join the community WhatsApp. I'd also be a bit blunt and when she asks what is going on, I'd just shrug and say you haven't really been keeping up with all of that, but you have heard that the local church group needs volunteers to organise the fete (or whatever). If they don't like that idea, then say that's fine but if they want to become part of the community then the best way is to contribute.

I'd let her come to the book club but I wouldn't be moving the dates to accommodate her.

Actually in our area we have a good range of industries, businesses and people who WFH for international companies that provide decent wages, just not on a par with London. So higher London wages will always win out.

So yes I can blame second home owners.