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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do about this person/AIBU?

61 replies

nikkivezza · 22/11/2024 19:13

So, met a woman through work 18 months ago, ish. Maybe a bit longer.
She quickly latched onto me and proclaimed me as her her best friend. Used to call me every day and spend 2/3 hours a day chatting. Sometimes more.
I didn't have anything better to do at the time, and she needed a friend, she's had a terrible couple of years by all accounts, so went with it. I always found her overbearing and overly familiar, but hey-ho, some people just are.

I lost my daughter last year, to a 42 week stillbirth. Immediately after I lost her, I sent a message to all of my friends, explaining what had happened, and that I needed to disappear for a while to process and deal with losing her, and also to help my other children through the ordeal. This woman did not allow me that. Despite saying I couldn't talk, she would message me multiple times a day, call me every day, and when I wouldn't answer, she would message me, instructing me to call her. And when I didn't answer her, she would message my husband and other coworkers to see how I was.

I went back to work in February and had no choice but to see her, and even though I was still reeling from losing my baby, and moving in with in laws and dealing with FIL dementia diagnosis, I resumed contact with her. She would call me daily and expect 2/3 hours conversation.

I have since moved out of in laws house, and become pregnant again, and my mental health has taken a massive nose dive. I'm off work sick and have retreated from everyone. I am really, really struggling, but this person will not leave me alone. Calling and messaging almost daily.

I have messaged and said I am unable to make conversation with people at the minute, due to being in a really bad place, and have since essentially ghosted her by now not even opening her messages or answering her calls... I do feel terrible but I don't have the energy or headspace for anyone, not just her. My focus is on trying to survive this pregnancy, and hope that this baby lives, and trying to support my family, who are also struggling with the loss of their sister. I am not the same person I was this time last year.

I saw her today. She stopped her car in the middle of the road and yelled at me until I went over. I told her I was not good and wouldn't be going back to work for the foreseeable and her paring words, as I hurried off were "call me"

I think, maybe if she gave me the space I asked for and didn't constantly call/message, I would be able to resume contact with her eventually. Knowing that she was in work, crying about how hard it was for her to not speak to me, after I lost my daughter and now, apparently, incessantly talking about me in work to my co-workers, I'm not sure whether I should feel guilty or whether she is in the wrong.

Could I have some perspective please.
Please be gentle.

OP posts:

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 22/11/2024 19:17

Just block her OP!! You don't need this shit, and didn't need it before when you tragically lost your baby. Go and block her NOW! Then BREATH! Wishing you all the luck in the world with this pregnancy.

LoveSandbanks · 22/11/2024 19:18

This woman is not your friend. She cannot respect your boundaries and your wish for space. Her constant contact is nothing short of harassment

Simply tell her to stop contacting you and block her number. SHE is not the victim here.

im so very sorry for you loss and wish you the very best for this pregnancy.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 22/11/2024 19:18

Just to add, she's an insensitive mare, and I'm surprised that your other colleagues haven't told her to just back off.

MayaPinion · 22/11/2024 19:21

Just block her. Tell your DH to block her too. I am sorry for your loss and you need to focus on keeping well for your family.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 22/11/2024 19:22

No you should not feel guilty she is harassing you. Block her everywhere, get a video doorbell if she knows where you live. Do not engage with her at all. Let her yell all she likes. Walk off and say “Please do not speak to me”.

Keep a note of her attempts to contact you and seek advice from a stalking charity or the police if it continues.

Look up “grey rock” and do that if you have to engage with her at work. You do not have to be friends with this person. She is not your friend. Speak to HR if she is harassing you at work.

All the best for your pregnancy x

lovemycbf · 22/11/2024 19:23

Yeah I'd block her too she's not respecting you requesting her to back off, I'm sorry you lost your darling daughter

Gazelda · 22/11/2024 19:24

Absolutely block her. She's never going to listen to reason or have any sort of understanding.

And a pp is right - tell your DH to block her too.

And, if I were you, I'd talk to your manager if you think they'd be sympathetic. Or a colleague you trust. Tell them how she's harassed you and won't leave you alone. When you return from sick leave, you'll need support to keep her away from you. And you don't want her spinning a tale that she's being a friend. She's not a friend.

I wish you well in your pregnancy. Take all the help and space you need. Keep loved ones close and everyone else out.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/11/2024 19:27

Good grief how have you tolerated this as long as you have?

You are clearly at a low ebb but you should have told her to leave you alone months ago. This is harassment.

Message her to ask her to leave you alone and then block her.

GivingitToGod · 22/11/2024 19:33

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 22/11/2024 19:17

THIS
OP, you have been through HELL and have every right to need space and peace to support healing and care 4 your family. This lady has completely overstepped the boundaries. She is needy and demanding. I hope and pray that this pregnancy ends well.
Please take care of yourself, as best u can.
This lady is completely draining your reserves

smallchange · 22/11/2024 19:39

Block her, and if you have the energy you could email her line manager asking them to have a firm word.

But definitely block her. You have more than enough to cope with so anything that makes things easier for you, do that.

vipersnest1 · 22/11/2024 19:40

@nikkivezza, seriously, if you private message me her number I will happily call her and tell her to back the fuck up.
You need time to heal and deal with what you have been through, not people who are only interested in their own emotions.
Cut her out of your life. The last thing you need is to be faced with more worry.
Take time to look after yourself.

AlwaysGinPlease · 22/11/2024 19:57

Omg. She's an absolute cunt. Give me her number and I'll put her straight on your behalf. I'm very sorry about your loss but you now need to put your needs first. Fuck her off, for good.

SleepToad · 22/11/2024 20:03

Sometimes you need to be blunt. Just send her what you typed above and say please don't contact me.

or if you don't want to be that blunt...tell her she's a dear friend and you love how she's got your back...but you can't bare to even talk to her...and that she needs to give you space and that you know she will always be there for you yadda, yadda...lay it on thick and block her!

TillyKister · 22/11/2024 20:13

Another one who says block her. She's not a friend behaving as she is. There's no respect for your feelings or boundaries. Tell your Husband to block her too. Don't engage with anyone trying to pass messages etc. to you on her behalf.

You need to focus on you, your baby, and your family. You don't need the stress and anxiety this woman is causing you. Don't feel guilty, her behaviour is appalling. Block her and don't give her another thought. ❤️

Original poster

nikkivezza · 22/11/2024 20:27

Thanks all. I kind of knew this, but I feel really guilty. It's not like I haven't asked for space, but I've always been a bit of a wet wipe when it comes to doing things that might hurt other people's feelings. And I really do feel bad.

I haven't said to anyone at work how bad she's been, I haven't really mentioned her, I don't want it getting back to her that I've been bitching about her...gaggle of women working together....you know what's it's like!
I've just heard that she's always talking about me.

Trouble is, I forgot to say in the post. Her grandchildren go to school with my youngest two, I can't escape her at the school. It was there, this afternoon, that she collared me in her car.
She's arranged to pick her grandkids up every Friday, knowing that's the only day I actually go to the school any more for assembly. Which I haven't missed in the whole time my kids have been at school.

Her grandchildren were called out of assembly early and she obviously hung around for the 15/20 minutes or so afterwards until I walked out of the school, to be able to talk to me. It's making me not want to go to assembly. I hate confrontation at the best of times, but I really don't have the headspace for it at the minute.

OP posts:

xyz111 · 22/11/2024 20:40

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you've had to go through.
Unfortunately you're going to have to be blunt. "Brenda, I'm sorry I can't talk now" when you see her and keep walking. Block her on your and your husbands phone.
Your mental health is so much more important than her feelings at this point.
I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy xxx

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 22/11/2024 20:40

This is why you need to block her OP. She's obviously not taking the hint, but if you block her, and avoid her, and she still tries to collar you at the school, I think you need to be really blunt, and tell her, that you really don't have the head space to be talking to people at the moment, which is why you've blocked her, so please can can she leave you alone, until you are better, at which time you will get in touch. If she then bother's you again, you need to say 'you clearly can't take no for an answer, and if you continue to bother me, I'm afraid I will be reporting you to the police for harassment, which is a criminal offence!' Then just walk away.

Please don't spend your valuable personal resources worrying about someone who clearly doesn't really care about you OP, as if she did, she'd respect your wishes, and leave you in peace. Just concentrate on you and your baby, as that's the ONLY thing that really matters right now. Sending you a comforting hug!

StormingNorman · 22/11/2024 20:45

Block her OP. You’re not her emotional support person.

smallchange · 22/11/2024 20:54

Do you know where she lives? Could your dh go round and have a word with her? I think someone needs to have a quiet talk to get through to her what she's doing to you.

I wonder if you've been too mindful of her feelings and she's too thick skinned to get it. That's not a criticism of you, but probably means that it would be better for someone else to deal with her if possible.

If not possible for it to be done in person then maybe a very blunt note - again, maybe written by someone else on your behalf.

You are asking so very, very little of her. She has absolutely no excuses here.

YellowAsteroid · 22/11/2024 20:55

Block, ignore, walk away.

You are doing nothing wrong by pretending she doesn’t exist. She’s harassing you. If this were a man, we’d all call him a dangerous stalker.

Cherrysoup · 22/11/2024 20:58

She’s not a friend, she’s a drama llama who wants to be part of your life. Honestly, I’d send her a message telling-not asking-her to leave you alone and that you’re going to block her and that she is to immediately stop messaging/contacting you/talking to you. She has been uncaring and over the top, I’d be no holds barred with her, she doesn’t deserve kindness.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how awful that was. 💐

Justmuddlingalong · 22/11/2024 21:02

I'd message her explaining that despite you telling her you need space, she continues to bombard you with messages, calls and conversations.
Tell her that she's way overstepped and keeps on doing so.
Tell her you're blocking her, and do it.
If she collars you at school ignore her. She has the hide of a rhino so nothing but you being totally direct will compute.

Mill3nnial · 22/11/2024 21:02

You're not being unreasonable or mean OP. If you have to see this woman just keep conversation short, tell her you're in a rush, surely she will get the hint. It's fine to ignore her messages.

My first child was stillborn at over 40 weeks a few years ago and I know what it's like to be so worried every day of a subsequent pregnancy. This woman doesn't seem to be considerate of you to your needs.

I wish you well with your pregnancy. Take the time you need, do what works for you, go to hospital for reassurance as many times as you need and just ignore people who are making things harder. You don't owe this woman anything.

AffIt · 22/11/2024 21:03

Do you have a friendly but thick-skinned/hard-nosed colleague you can enlist to tell her to fuck the fuck off?

This isn't normal, OP, and you have every right to express your discomfort.

Start by blocking her.

Curtainqueen · 22/11/2024 21:07

I have a friend who will think nothing of calling me at 4am waking me up then calling and texting every hour until I answer. I’ve told her repeatedly to stop. It goes in one ear and out the other. I now put her on silence at night and only take her off when I decide. That won’t help the school gate thing though.

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