What do I do about this person/AIBU?

[nikkivezza]

So, met a woman through work 18 months ago, ish. Maybe a bit longer.
She quickly latched onto me and proclaimed me as her her best friend. Used to call me every day and spend 2/3 hours a day chatting. Sometimes more.
I didn't have anything better to do at the time, and she needed a friend, she's had a terrible couple of years by all accounts, so went with it. I always found her overbearing and overly familiar, but hey-ho, some people just are.

I lost my daughter last year, to a 42 week stillbirth. Immediately after I lost her, I sent a message to all of my friends, explaining what had happened, and that I needed to disappear for a while to process and deal with losing her, and also to help my other children through the ordeal. This woman did not allow me that. Despite saying I couldn't talk, she would message me multiple times a day, call me every day, and when I wouldn't answer, she would message me, instructing me to call her. And when I didn't answer her, she would message my husband and other coworkers to see how I was.

I went back to work in February and had no choice but to see her, and even though I was still reeling from losing my baby, and moving in with in laws and dealing with FIL dementia diagnosis, I resumed contact with her. She would call me daily and expect 2/3 hours conversation.

I have since moved out of in laws house, and become pregnant again, and my mental health has taken a massive nose dive. I'm off work sick and have retreated from everyone. I am really, really struggling, but this person will not leave me alone. Calling and messaging almost daily.

I have messaged and said I am unable to make conversation with people at the minute, due to being in a really bad place, and have since essentially ghosted her by now not even opening her messages or answering her calls... I do feel terrible but I don't have the energy or headspace for anyone, not just her. My focus is on trying to survive this pregnancy, and hope that this baby lives, and trying to support my family, who are also struggling with the loss of their sister. I am not the same person I was this time last year.

I saw her today. She stopped her car in the middle of the road and yelled at me until I went over. I told her I was not good and wouldn't be going back to work for the foreseeable and her paring words, as I hurried off were "call me"

I think, maybe if she gave me the space I asked for and didn't constantly call/message, I would be able to resume contact with her eventually. Knowing that she was in work, crying about how hard it was for her to not speak to me, after I lost my daughter and now, apparently, incessantly talking about me in work to my co-workers, I'm not sure whether I should feel guilty or whether she is in the wrong.

Could I have some perspective please.
Please be gentle.

Block her. If you really want to maintain a relationship with her when you go back to work, write a message explaining why.

Ask your husband to block her from his phone if need be.

Tell the school that you need to not be in contact with this woman (you don't necessarily have to tell all the details, just that you are being harrassed and need support). They can help you decide what is the best plan to avoid her on and around school premises. You are genuinely being harrassed, whether you recognise it or not; you are entitled to help. They might be able to offer you a space to wait, or a staff member to check the coast is clear, or an escort off the premises, or an alternative exit that you don't know of. The caretaker at my dc's primary was excellent for this sort of thing (I had a stalker).

I'm so sorry about your little girl @nikkivezza, how utterly heartbreaking. I can't imagine how anxious you are about this pregnancy and you absolutely need to prioritise your own mental health and wellbeing and focus on the time when you will be able to hold your little bundle in your arms.

I think you need to send a short and succinct text to this woman, block and then not give her another thought.

Dear CF, I have asked you repeatedly to respect my boundaries by ceasing contact. Your constant, unwanted contact is bordering on harassment. Your inability to respect my wishes demonstrates that you are not a true friend who cares about my wellbeing. I no longer want to be your friend and am now blocking you. Nikkivezza

It's as simple as that. If she decides to badmouth you and people want an explanation then you have evidence of exactly what happened.

Please put your own wellbeing first and rip this plaster off once and for all.

I know. It’s preposterous. In fairness she isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and lacks capacity. I don’t think even fuck off would sink in. I’ve been subtle. I’ve been direct. Now I’ve resorted to silencing her at night. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed phones.

Block her.
Inform HR as she is hindering your progress in recovery.
This is harassment and if need be as a last resort inform the police.

We don't even need to form an opinion of her or whether she's being unreasonable - you have an absolute right to put yourself first at this time and if that means retreating from the social world then that is what must happen.

Your priorities must be your pregnancy, your children and yourself. Do what you need to do and let your (ex) friend get comfort and company from others.

Best of luck, OP.

You are not in any way unreasonable. My best friend had a life changing accident. She can’t leave her house much and it’s an effort to do anything. I’d love to ring her every day, but only do so about once a week as I know she also wants to speak to her family and just friends. I’m here any time she needs me and I’d do anything for her, including giving her space. That’s what friends do!

That woman is not your friend, and needs to back off. Block her or use do not disturb to restrict her contact with you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would raise this with your line manager/HR in work as it's bordering on harassment

You say you don’t like hurting people’s feelings so you feel guilty. But she doesn’t feel guilty about using you like this. And the thing to remember about people like this is that they’re not hurt when you don’t let them do this, they’re angry that you won’t do what they want. It’s clear from your OP that she commands you to be available for her to talk at, orders you to call her rather than suggesting, even summons you to go over when she’s in her car. There’s no “we” in your OP, it’s all her telling you what to do.Try to remember that. You don’t owe her anything.

You’re also worried about what other people will think if you drop her. Please don’t be. If someone says “Doris is so upset that you won’t talk to her, she just cares about you, how could you be so mean?” - tell them the truth. She was demanding you call her at her convenience so that she could talk at you for hours. She yelled at you. And when you were bereaved she was insensitive, putting her own desire to talk above your need to heal. People will understand, I promise.

She honestly sounds obsessed. What she’s doing isn’t friendship. You will benefit from cutting her off entirely, not thinking about letting her back in when you feel better. She won’t change, so do as PPs have suggested, message her to say you can no longer deal with her constant demands and insensitivity, and block her. It will be a weight off your shoulders.

I know it’s hard but as PPs have said she is clearly thick skinned as well as selfish, so
you’ll need to be more direct than you normally would be if she approaches you. Don’t obey her command if she calls you over. Shake your head, say no. Don’t apologise. Tell her you don’t want to talk and say goodbye.

Can you say straight to her face… ‘You’re being a bit much. I’ve asked for space and I need you to respect that. I’ll contact you when I’m ready’.

If she doesn’t, block her.

You are pregnant now, you have a child to protect so learn how to put boundaries in with people now.

This woman has stalker vibes. It’s not normal to ignore someone who tells you they need space or require three hours of attention every day. Her sob stories were another red flag, she is a victim.

Honestly, learn boundaries now (as you’re doing) don’t feel bad either, this is the beginning of your life.

I wish you well, prenatal depression is hell. It ends ok? From what you have said, ask for help, especially with your history. Don’t do it alone. 💖

Think of it this way. This woman is feeding off you, like a vampire. You have no time for vampires. She will have multiple sources of feeding supply. You can try asking her again but I’d just block personally.