What do I do about this person/AIBU?

[nikkivezza]

So, met a woman through work 18 months ago, ish. Maybe a bit longer.
She quickly latched onto me and proclaimed me as her her best friend. Used to call me every day and spend 2/3 hours a day chatting. Sometimes more.
I didn't have anything better to do at the time, and she needed a friend, she's had a terrible couple of years by all accounts, so went with it. I always found her overbearing and overly familiar, but hey-ho, some people just are.

I lost my daughter last year, to a 42 week stillbirth. Immediately after I lost her, I sent a message to all of my friends, explaining what had happened, and that I needed to disappear for a while to process and deal with losing her, and also to help my other children through the ordeal. This woman did not allow me that. Despite saying I couldn't talk, she would message me multiple times a day, call me every day, and when I wouldn't answer, she would message me, instructing me to call her. And when I didn't answer her, she would message my husband and other coworkers to see how I was.

I went back to work in February and had no choice but to see her, and even though I was still reeling from losing my baby, and moving in with in laws and dealing with FIL dementia diagnosis, I resumed contact with her. She would call me daily and expect 2/3 hours conversation.

I have since moved out of in laws house, and become pregnant again, and my mental health has taken a massive nose dive. I'm off work sick and have retreated from everyone. I am really, really struggling, but this person will not leave me alone. Calling and messaging almost daily.

I have messaged and said I am unable to make conversation with people at the minute, due to being in a really bad place, and have since essentially ghosted her by now not even opening her messages or answering her calls... I do feel terrible but I don't have the energy or headspace for anyone, not just her. My focus is on trying to survive this pregnancy, and hope that this baby lives, and trying to support my family, who are also struggling with the loss of their sister. I am not the same person I was this time last year.

I saw her today. She stopped her car in the middle of the road and yelled at me until I went over. I told her I was not good and wouldn't be going back to work for the foreseeable and her paring words, as I hurried off were "call me"

I think, maybe if she gave me the space I asked for and didn't constantly call/message, I would be able to resume contact with her eventually. Knowing that she was in work, crying about how hard it was for her to not speak to me, after I lost my daughter and now, apparently, incessantly talking about me in work to my co-workers, I'm not sure whether I should feel guilty or whether she is in the wrong.

Could I have some perspective please.
Please be gentle.

And she's just messaged again, telling me how lovely it was to see me, and she's hear for me and to call her when I can because she's got lots to tell me.

Right. Wish me luck. I'm going to write out a message and block her.
Wish I didn't feel quite so guilty about it though.....

Thank you all.. xx

Tell your husband to phone her and get him to make it clear it's the only call he will be making. He needs to tell her to fuck off and leave you alone forever otherwise you'll be taking it further. She is not your friend. Wishing you good times OP x

If you ask someone not to contact you, and they relentlessly contact you, its harassment. There's nothing friendly about it.

Jesus Christ, what?

The first time somebody called me at 4am - assuming it didn't involve blood, bullets or fire - would be the last.

Why haven't you told them in no uncertain terms to fuck off?!

Don't tell her, just block the number.

Wow!! That's terrible!

This woman is not your friend. A real friend would have respected your wishes and boundaries. She comes across as a very needy individual, with little to no self-awareness or consideration for other people. It's all about her, and what she wants at that particular time. I absolutely agree with others, you need to severe contact, block her and your husband needs to as well. If she knows where you live, install a Ring doorbell or get a security camera, so you can monitor who is calling on you. The Friday pick-up is awkward - is there anyone else who could do this for you? Not forever, but for a short period of time. If she sees you're no longer collecting your children, it's possible she may not hang around, once she's collected her Grandchildren. The work situation - I assume at some point you will be returning to work? Do you think your line manager would be sympathetic? You may need to be honest, and explain the situation. Is your workplace too small, for you to avoid her? Do you have no option but to have to work with her? If there is no choice, then be polite, but try not to engage too much.

Sorry for your loss. Just block her though it's not hard.

Block this woman on every platform.

She's a stalker. Her behaviour is awful and frightening.

Put up those boundaries and do not let her past them.

She's really really creepy.

She’s a vampire, OP. None of this has anything to do with concern for what you and your family have been through; her sadness centres around how she feels because you’re no longer available to be her personal sounding board and emotional sponge. She’s using your tragedy to create drama around herself.

It’s absolutely outrageous that she’s putting you under such pressure to prioritise her when you’re dealing with such intense trauma and stress. Fuck her. Cut her off and don’t feel a moment’s guilt or worry about it. People this self-absorbed and thick skinned don’t understand subtlety. You need all your resources and emotional bandwidth to process what’s happened, heal yourself and help your children. You owe this fuckwit nothing.

Tell a close friend at school and ask them to act as a bouncer to lock her as well.

Also: practice a short phrase that you can say (not the kind of snappy comeback other people think they can say but something that is natural to you).

”Hi Kathy. No time today. I will let you know if I have time. Bye.” Act like you are a New Yorker. Just keep walking. Don’t break stride or make eye contact.

She’s unreasonable. Block her. When she asks you about this say that you are not taking her calls any more. When she asks why just say that you can’t cope with it. Ignore her apart from work duties. Perhaps let your manager know what has happened in case she turns nasty at work.

I'm so sorry, OP, you really don't need this at the moment.
As others have said, block her, and if she still works with you, ask your line manager or HR if they can have a quiet word with her to explain that you need peace and quiet and don't want to hear from her. No need to report her for misconduct or anything, just to get support from someone she might listen to who could explain that she's not helping you and, if necessary, tell her that she needs to stop harassing you if she starts again.

Block her!

Listen, if this was a man who had got this attached and was demanding all of your time and energy like this you'd be thinking about calling the police. She's stalking you. I really would speak to a manager and ask them to tell her not to contact you while you are off sick. And block her, obviously.

The Fridays are more difficult. Is there an alternative exit? We have two.

"Brenda, I need you to back off. Please.

I'm simply concentrating on keeping going at the moment. I don't have headspace for anything more and to be honest I'm feeling overwhelmed and suffocated by your need for contact.

I am being supported by those I'm closest to as well as the healthcare team involved with my pregnancy.

I understand you are showing you care. And I appreciate. But it has become too much. Please respect my boundaries.

Best wishes"

I'm normally the one saying to be polite to people, but genuinely OP, send your message then block her. Speak to a friend at school and explain what is going on so they can be your 'bouncer' or take someone to assembly with you. You owe this woman nothing.

Step back, feel no guilt, and save all your emotional energy for your self and the new baby you are growing x

Can you confide in another school parent who will stay with you until you are out of the school?

Please don’t feel guilty.

I would have blocked her after the first 3 hour convo!!

Have you sent a message to her yet? She sounds like a narcissist, no empathy, and the way she just keeps trying to bulldoze through your boundaries and taking your energy
if you haven’t sent it yet, I’d say keep it short and polite so she has no comeback.
Then block her and never unblock her she will eventually find a new source.

The Fridays are tricky because it's assembly day, I haven't missed a Friday assembly since my 18 year old was in school, my younger two expect me to be there-even if neither of them get any awards. And I'm happy to show up for them.

There isn't really another mum at school who is aware of the situation to act as a bouncer. Because my younger two are now year five and year six, they all walk home by themselves (small village) so all of us older parents are now redundant!

Only one exit out of the school and only one route back to my house, which she obviously knows. That's why she hung around today. Her grandchildren left halfway through the assembly, she had plenty of time to get back to the car and drive away with them before I came out, but evidently hung around, hoping to see me.

It is stalkerish and smothering but she's always so very nice in her messages. I know people are saying it's not hard to block her , but I can see how she's spinning it to other people and I don't want to look like an asshole "I was there for her when she needed me" and all that rubbish that she's taking into work.
And although, yes. I suppose she tried to be...in a way. It just wasn't wanted, or asked for, or encouraged. And was specifically asked to stop! Although no one in work knows my side of the story.

I am worried about going back to work. We work nights, and although we are on different units, there is no escaping her. And I reckon by the time I go back, the rest of my little team won't be there anymore. All the old gang are dropping like flies.

I feel sorry for her as she sounds unwell and unable to understand social boundaries. I would've told the girls at work as they would've told her tbh

Not your fault at all though! You can't sacrifice yourself for someone else. And I'm really sorry for what you went through, I'm wishing you the very best with your pregnancy ❤️

You've done absolutely the right thing x

Have you messaged and blocked?

You have two options here. Either you deal with any awkward fallout, or you continue to be her emotional crutch.

Don't worry about when you go back to work OP, just go ahead and block her as you said you were going to do earlier. A hole lot can happen between now and when you go back to work, who knows, she could have decided to leave before then, and if not, and it proves to be a problem, you can deal with that when you're in a better head space than you are now. As I said earlier, just concentrate on looking after you and the baby you have inside you. That's quite enough for now, and please, please, don't feel guilty, she is the one who should be feeling guilty, not you.

If you're coming out school alone, I'd stick headphones on, listen to music or don't, wave if you feel the need to acknowledge her but you don't owe her anything. Just keep walking. I'm a people pleaser and find situations like this so hard. My headphones have helped me avoid plenty of awkward convos.