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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent visits how to tell them to go home?

65 replies

Jshnk · 21/11/2024 16:49

My mum likes coming over to ours mid week to see the grandkids. She lives an hour away (we are all in London) and usually comes around 4.30 when kids finish their clubs. Thats all fine and good but she then doesn't leave till 8 or even later. The kids don't go to bed till really late and we rush around trying to fit shower, tasks etc and get totally frazzled.

I don't want to be rude but have no idea how to tell her it's time to go. Hints that she really needs to go by 7.30 at the latest don't work. How best to put it without offending?

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 21/11/2024 16:51

Mum, it's lovely having you come and visit, but the kids really need their sleep. Would you mind leaving by 7 so I can start bedtime routine without them being distracted by you?

TheSilkWorm · 21/11/2024 16:51

Mum, it's lovely having you come and visit, but the kids really need their sleep. Would you mind leaving by 7 so I can start bedtime routine without them being distracted by you?

halloumidippers · 21/11/2024 16:51

Hi mum, we love seeing you during the week but the kids need to be in bed by 7. If you'd like to stay late, please can you read them a story to help them calm down at 6ish, and I'll take them up for a bath at 6.30. I'll be down at 7.30 and then we can maybe catch up just the two of us.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/11/2024 16:52

Can she do it on a Friday instead so being up a bit later isn't so bad?

leia24 · 21/11/2024 16:52

Hi mum the kids are staying up way too late and theyre grumpy so I need to get them down earlier it would be so nice if you help with bedtime stories

stayathomer · 21/11/2024 16:54

If she’s travelling an hour id just be happy that she hasn’t put the onus on you to travel over! Id take that one evening of chaos just for that!!!!!!

usernamesareharddamnit · 21/11/2024 16:54

Why can’t you just start your routines when you need to regardless of her being there?

ginasevern · 21/11/2024 16:55

If she leaves at around 8pm and doesn't arrive until 4.30pm, that's a fairly short window really. Especially if that's the only time she sees the kids and she's making a 2 hour round trip. Is this really the only time she can visit? What about weekends?

Obbydoo · 21/11/2024 16:56

usernamesareharddamnit · 21/11/2024 16:54

Why can’t you just start your routines when you need to regardless of her being there?

This! She might like to help with baths or stories? Or if not, she'll get the message if you just get on with bedtime.

tometoyoutodo · 21/11/2024 16:57

When my DM comes over midweek I continue with the DCs routine and she gets stuck in to help, bath time, reading them stories, putting them to bed etc.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/11/2024 16:58

Put her on bedtime duty.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2024 17:01

Next time she has an arrangement to come over, text in the morning to say that you need her to start leaving at 7pm because the kids need to get to bed and they are too distracted by her amazingness if she is still there.

Say 7pm because there is no point in starting a new system and not having it at the time you want!

A lot of it depends if you like having her over, if the kids like it, if she's a nice person etc.

She shouldn't want to stay too late if that means that it is stressful for you and the kids end up tired and grumpy. If she does, tough.

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 17:02

Thanks for all the suggestions. We usually try to start the routine though she doesn't help just insists on us carrying on chatting to her alongside managing the kids.

We live in London so technically she just gets the tube back. Honestly I would rather she didn't come mid week but she's retired and gets bored so this is entirely her choice. She also goes to visit my brother and his kid on another day. In her ideal world, our kids would also go and stay with her every weekend which we had to turn down.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/11/2024 17:09

usernamesareharddamnit · 21/11/2024 16:54

Why can’t you just start your routines when you need to regardless of her being there?

^^This

I used to help...

How old are the children?

MrsCarson · 21/11/2024 17:16

Have you tried just starting the bedtime routines while she's there, give bath and PJ's before she leaves.

Pottedpalm · 21/11/2024 17:18

Honestly, how difficult can it be? Give her a task.. supervise bath for this one, then story for this one. We will chat over tea later, mum.

NewName24 · 21/11/2024 17:24

Pottedpalm · 21/11/2024 17:18

Honestly, how difficult can it be? Give her a task.. supervise bath for this one, then story for this one. We will chat over tea later, mum.

This.

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 17:31

Ah she doesn't do any tasks and doesn't assume she should help. Also I still have to sit with one of the kids till they fall asleep at 9 and a couple of hours of work thereafter. So really if this is to carry on she needs to leave so the kids can go to sleep.

OP posts:
MasterPretender · 21/11/2024 17:32

We had a similar issue and now we just invite them on a Friday or Saturday evening for dinner or let them tag along during the day on Saturday or Sunday depending on what we have planned.

When the weekend isn't suitable for either of us then we do it during the week, but it only happens about once a month that neither can do the weekend, which we're OK putting up with.

I think the important point is that we initially get to pick the time that suits us depending on our timetable.

chattyness · 21/11/2024 17:35

Insist on sticking to the routine you have when she isn't there and she can either get involved or go home, but the shower & any other bedtime tasks stay in place as usual.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 21/11/2024 17:36

OP, you say that 'she doesn't do any tasks and doesn't assume she should help', but have you actually ASKED her to help, and if so, has she refused? If she's refused, then you'll just have to tell her that coming in the week upsets the children's routine, as they get so excited by her being there, that that stay awake much later than normal, so can she come on a Friday in future. Of course if you find she was only waiting to be asked to help, then that should be fun for her and the kids, and take a chore or two off your back.

Flossflower · 21/11/2024 17:42

You either just need to tell her or just get with the routine. I usually bath my grandchildren and put them to bed when I am there.

carkerpartridge · 21/11/2024 17:43

Could you invite her over earlier in the afternoon, maybe to do the school run with you or on her own? That way she could spend a few hours with the grandkids before leaving at a more reasonable time.

Sanch1 · 21/11/2024 17:45

I mean, she's your mum, just tell her! I don't understand why people get themselves in a tizzy about this type of stuff!

dothehokeycokey · 21/11/2024 17:49

I used to get home from work at 8.30 after 12 hour shifts and sometimes my mum would be there when I got bak Confused

Just wanting a cup of tea and a chat (to moan at me for ages about whatever)like I didn't have tea to eat and stuff to do after a very long day.

In the end I had to gently tell her that the end of a 12 hour shift is totally not when I want to sit and chat after a day of it and not to just rock up after work days.

It worked but you need to tell her.

If she's anything like my mum shel be oblivious until you point it out

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