Grandparent visits how to tell them to go home?

[Jshnk]

My mum likes coming over to ours mid week to see the grandkids. She lives an hour away (we are all in London) and usually comes around 4.30 when kids finish their clubs. Thats all fine and good but she then doesn't leave till 8 or even later. The kids don't go to bed till really late and we rush around trying to fit shower, tasks etc and get totally frazzled.

I don't want to be rude but have no idea how to tell her it's time to go. Hints that she really needs to go by 7.30 at the latest don't work. How best to put it without offending?

This is a good idea. I think it would be quite mean to ask her to leave early. It isn't like she is staying till midnight.

I bet she has no idea how inconvenient her visits are, and might be absolutely mortified to find out. You could tell instead that her that the kids seem tired in the mornings, maybe school is harder work than it was or it's the cold dark weather, but whatever the cause, you'd like her to help you get them tucked in bed by 7 (or whatever), by supervising their showers or reading the stories or whatever. Get her onside.

Oh she would be mortified to have to do any of the tasks with the kids. She is in her mid-70s and whilst she wants company, she doesn't really like doing tasks.

Sadly she doesn't really have any friends or hobbies and having raised three kids would really just like to come and sit in our houses and sort of relive having a full house again. Thankfully we all live in London so she does get to see us all quite a bit.

I’d just consciously have a cut off time in my head, then as soon as that time arrives, just go about the homework, showers, supper etc, around her. When she’s sat alone on the sofa whilst you’re busy with their bedtime routine,she might take the hint, unless she’s thick skinned.

@Livelovebehappy we have already done that but shebdoesnt take the hint, just follows me around with a cup of tea chatting while I sort the kids out.

Is there a day they don’t have clubs so she could arrive earlier? Then she might leave earlier.
if not, I agree with pp - give her a task and be nice but firm about it “can you take X up for a bath while I clear the table” or “can you read them a story while I do a bit of work”
if she doesn’t, politely suggests she’ll have to head off because it’s bedtime

Oh she would be mortified to have to do any of the tasks with the kids.

So I suppose a bit of washing up or ironing would be out of the question?

I read this on here, you have to get their coat and say lovely to see you but I'm afraid it's time to go now see you next week

The main reason why it's become an issue now is because she used to come on Tuesdays at 3.15 but now she helps my brother with childcare so that's no longer possible. So now she comes later and there is no way round that.

I’m going to go against the grain here.
She’s your Mum,she might be feeling lonely.
I’d feel quite bad sending my Mum home earlier if it’s once a week and she delays bedtime by 90 mins

She probably is lonely - however she has created a life for herself where her only social contacts are her adult children and GCs. No neighbours, friends, hobby groups etc

OP it sounds like she has a very thick skin given she had to be told she can't have the GCs every weekend. Have you tried getting on with bed time and saying 'you have to go now mum, GC needs his sleep so I'll be on my own with him now'

What silkworm said

Get to the point, goddamit

Say "Hi mum, the kids need to be in bed by 8 so you need to leave by 7. Thanks"

I'd tell her on text so she can't gloss over it but use a nice message while remaining clear about it.

Mom do you want stay the night.

Oh she would be mortified to have to do any of the tasks with the kids. She is in her mid-70s and whilst she wants company, she doesn't really like doing tasks.

Seems strange she travels across to see them, but doesn't want to snuggle up with them for a bedtime story. Not like you are asking her to take them to the zoo for the day. My Dad was quite disabled when my dc were little, but loved being able to read to them.

However, if she doesn't take your hint then you need to say "Mum, you will need to be going by 7 from now on as the dc need their sleep and it helps if we keep in routine". Gives her the chance to say she will give you a hand if she wanted to, but makes it clear you can't be there chatting with her.

She's your mother! Just say 'mum lovely to see you but it's time to get the kids ready for bedtime if you want to help out or otherwise we will see you next week'
My mother used to always call at 7pm and I just told her that's exactly when I start the whole bedtime routine and if either call her back or she needs to call me earlier. She was fine either way it.

My impression is that as much as she loves the kids, really she misses adult company and being in a busy house.

I would carry on your normal routine, whilst your Mum is there. Don't wait until she leaves before getting the children ready for bed. If you usually take them upstairs for a bath a 6pm, then do exactly that. If their bedtime comes and she's still there, then too bad, off to bed they go. I have my sister-in-law visit once a week, and she's done so ever since my son was a baby. I didn't change my routine just because she was visiting. As far as I am concerned the person visiting has to fit in with me. Eventually, your Mum will learn your routine, and may even start leaving once the children go to bed!

Oh, I see! Well now you've said that, I can't help thinking that at 75 or thereabouts, she may not want to be bothered with doing bedtime with the grandkids, I was mid 40's when I had grandkids of your kids age, and so would happily have helped out with bedtime routine, but 75 I doubt I'd want to do it either. Why can't she come on a Friday though?

I think telling her something like- mum the kids are total shits when they don't get to bed on time so we are cracking down on bedtimes, could you come another day so there is time for a good visit before you need to head out at 7?

It sounds as though seeing you, your brother and the grandchildren are the highlights of her week. If she has nothing else in her life her house must feel very quiet and she may feel lonely. At 75 she may not have the energy to do tasks with the children. Even a journey across London, especially travelling home in the cold and dark, would exhaust many people I know of her age. You are lucky she is prepared to travel to stay for such a short time. Some people on here are saying having such an empty life is her choice but it’s not always that simple. Friends die or are restricted by illness and it’s hard to have the confidence to make new friends or join groups. Could you help her to develop some other interests so she has more of a social life?

This is my biggest fear of when my in-laws move closer.
They don't get I work, I have a strict routine with my kids, I can't sit up and chat to them all night..

We definitely wouldn't expect her to do anything while she is here. And whilst I have made suggestions about joining new groups etc, she has never really taken us up on the offers. I also wouldn't expect her to come to ours midweek. That's entirely her choice and whenever we are too busy, she talks about how she misses it. It's just the balance of kids on a busy evening v elderly parents. And believe it or not, Thursday are our quiet evenings. Kids have two clubs each on a Friday so we don't get back till 8.

Brill - extra bedtime help, bath, stories,
little
hat and kiss goodnight with each child, you can be with one then swap with her, job done.
set the times with your mum then do it , if she doesn’t like it say she’ll have to leave
at X time, but begin your bed routine at the time that suits you