Was I really in the wrong?

[MammaKel]

Hi All,

We're currently on holiday at disneyland paris with two sen toddlers.

It's snowing today so both toddlers had 3 layers on top, two on bottom and two pairs of socks, a snowsuit, a coat and wellies.

The younger one has sensory issues especially with her head and hands, so I battled with her to keep her hat and gloves on whilst in the snow.

We went to a restaurant and sat outside, protected from the snow but was still outside and the younger one threw her hat and gloves off and started having a melt down. Unfortunately with her melt downs, you have to give her a minute to regulate her emotions or she ends up more distressed, throwing herself and eventually makes herself sick.

As awful as it looks, ignoring her for a couple of minutes works best (after many trials of trying to comfort her etc).

So whilst my DH was collecting the food, I was with both toddlers whilst she was having a melt down, I kept watching her to make sure she was safe in her pram etc and wasn't hurting herself when a man shouted over asking me if she was okay and I said yes, she just needs a minute and his partner interrupted and said I better get her hat and gloves on and I replied saying she's autistic, she has sensory issues and before we go back outside ill put them back on (before she pulls them off again) and she shook her head saying I was upsetting her (the woman) by neglecting my child.

I apologised for and said I'm doing my best and I'm sorry it's upsetting to her and she turned away and I can hear them call me basically and then DH came back, toddler stopped having a melt down and asked for some chips.

We live up north and this was the first time we've taken her out in extreme weather and I didn't know she wouldn't wear a hat or gloves but she was definitely warm enough, I put enough layers on.

I just don't know what else I could have done in that situation, after we ate we came back to the hotel immediately due to the weather and her refusing to wear gloves and a hat.

I love both my children and really do try my best but now I'm wondering if every stranger thinks I'm the worst mum in the world.

I'm not saying the couple was wrong to call me out, if they genuinely thought a child was being neglected then I'd rather someone say something but I just feel a bit deflated and like crap really.

”Thanks for your concern, we’re fine”
followed by “Mind your own business” if they were rude enough to persist.

God no, they should have offered to help or said nothing at all. In saying that what were you thinking bringing two sen toddlers to Disneyland especially ones with sensory issues ?? I wouldn't bring two non sen toddlers there, sounds like hell

Oh the irony!

You did nothing wrong OP. Try and put them out of your mind. You will know your children best. Weyohweyohs reply is perfect.

People without experience often don't understand that sometimes what they might do with a neurotypical child just won't work, or will even make the situation worse for an autistic child. You handled it fine, and I'm sure there were lots of people there thinking that this interfering couple were not helping the situation. No need for a hat and gloves at that precise moment whilst wearing loads of layers as you describe.

unhelpful comment! I’m sure the OP know hers children well enough to know whether they will cope with and enjoy Disneyland. Sensory issues covers all manner of things doesn’t mean they need to live in a sensory deprived bubble. Jeez, ignorant much!

A toddler seems very young for asd diagnosis in uk? (Weve waited nearly 2 years and havent seen anyone yet..

Perhaps the couple were french as according to mumsnet the french dont believe in autism.

Im with you on the hat and gloves though as youngest would never wear either. For years. However one winter at maybe 3yo it was so snowy she actually kept both on!
She later became sensory with socks though at about 7.

With sen dc there is always going to be people looking at you while the child melts down. However it doesnt sound like a true meltdown in this case if the dc calmed so easily with seeing chips!

I think youre doing well i didnt fly with mine until 8 and 11..

People generally can be funny about how others are dressed. In reality people feel different about the cold - i see people in snow in shorts.

DS was diagnosed at 3. The pathway seems (or did at the time) much shorter than if it’s started once school age.

Give them no more headspace. You did nothing wrong. They were rude and shouldn't have been interfering. Their opinions were irrelevant.

You are doing all you can, and you know your own children best. Stop giving a single shit what anyone else around you might be thinking.

You do what you need to do as you know your kids best. They don't so no need to listen to their opinion.
Personally, I wouldn't worry about a hat and gloves either. It's hardly extreme temperatures in Paris right now and they have plenty of layers on otherwise.

Oh, boo hoo, she was upset by a crying toddler. She needs to get over it. I sometimes get upset when I see and hear babies or toddlers crying out and about. But you know what I don't do? I don't think that my discomfort means the parent should do something different.

As for sensory - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Or rather, had the hat, gloves, scarf, jhacket etc removed. Just FYI, with DS, those sort of layers would have sent his SPD into overdrive and he'd have been incredibly antsy and prone to outburts. And yes, I WAS that parent in the snow with a child wearing trackies, trainers and a long-sleeve tshirt only. Sigh.

You did nothing wrong op.
For what it's worth we have taken our autistic children to Disneyland Paris many times and while it is hard they also love it and I'm not going to deprive them of experiences just because they have asd.
Also my youngest was diagnosed at 3, it was pretty obvious with him.
I hope you manage to have a wonderful time despite the weather.

You were unreasonable to apologise op! The cheek of that bellend!

You're doing fine 😊

My daughter is now 5 and has autism. She has always taken off her hats and gloves, and now flat out refuses to wear socks!

All I can do is make sure I have them to hand. As for meltdowns, as long as you're nearby, supervising, and in control of the situation, you're doing all you can.

As previous posters have said, you should've just said, 'we're fine thanks'. If they persisted then say, she's fine she's just overwhelmed.

You never need to apologise for Something that's out of your control. I know it's stressful and embarrassing but bellends like that exist and are an occupational hazard when being a parent x

Walked my Autistic then 3 year old through a busy city in the snow in BARE FEET. Because he would not keep his shoes on and was (still is) freakishly strong so was more dangerous trying to carry him while he tried to escape my hold. If passers by looks could have killed me that day id be dead a hundred times over.
If people dont have a child with, or any understanding of sensory differences, its often their first reaction to judge unfortunately. But you have done absolutely nothing wrong here, dont take that rubbish on board, you know your child and are doing your best for them.
I will say though, sensory integration therapy with a well trained Occupational Therapist changed my boys life. Its worth looking into.

Would you prefer if they were locked in a house and kept a secret?

Thank you all for the replies. I feel a bit better.

To answer some questions:

The couple were British. They had a baby with them much younger than my two.

She isn't dignosed yet but she's on the ASD pathway but it's clear she has autism or possibly a sensory disorder due to her traits and behaviours and it was just easier to say she was autistic than state my family medical history (other child has an autism dignosis and was dignosed at three but has other medical issues).

I know it may seem crazy taking two sen toddlers to disney but we went to florida last year and had a great time and yesterday when the weather was nicer we had a lovely time. My mistake was probably going in extreme weather and putting layers upon layers on them as pp said that probably agitated her more and caused her discomfort and melt downs. We're still learning.

But thank you again, I think as they age we'll probably get more comments from "well-meaning" strangers and I need to learn to ignore it really and not let it upset me.

Had this 100 times with my eldest who is also autistic.
DO NOT apologise.
”I am not neglecting her, i am catering to her specific needs”

diagnosed or not, she is 2
this is how 2 year olds behave
the people were in the wrong

I have been in your situation as well, my son has sensory processing disorder as well as autism and ADHD. Up until he was 7/8 he'd wear shorts and t-shirt in the winter (literally strip his layers off) complaining he was too hot and would complain he was cold in the summer and end up trying to wear a thick coat.

It's hard to ignore the looks but just remember you're doing great

Ww had plenty of that when our son was very young, people judging his autism as bad parenting. Just ignorance. Ignore them and also ignore someone saying you shouldn’t bring ASD children anywhere that might be difficult. We found you have to just keep trying to broaden out their experiences. DS is brilliant now that he is older and has a wide range of experiences behind him. We wouldn’t nit have known that if we didn’t keep trying.

Your toddler was in a pram? Surely she was warm enough and tucked up with blankets.

They were rude.

Most people witnessing a toddler meltdown over gloves:hat would give a sympathetic smile of solidarity and understanding.

Please don’t let this knock your confidence.

Ignore the person who appears to have absolutely no knowledge of SEN. You know what you’re doing.
Hope you’re having a lovely time!
Say hello to Minnie Mouse for me!

Bonkers, it’s an overwhelmed toddler having a tantrum, pretty much a guarantee at Disney. If they were bothered by that they need to choose a different holiday destination! And when DD was that age (who does not have SEN) she wouldn’t wear a hat either, we used to put the hood of her coat up, and we lived in North America where it gets much colder than in Paris. Toddlers be toddlers. Don’t give this a second thought or let it dent your confidence.

@workshy46

every autistic person is different and Disney will be an awesome experience for some, bits of it will be awesome and bits will be too much for others, some will hate every minute of it.

As families learn about their kids they need to try different experiences in order to find out what works and what doesn’t.

Your post on here is a very similar vibe to the judgy woman in the OP.

As the mum of 2 autistic kids this shit happens, you either have to ignore it or as my husband has done in the past, tell nosy pricks to fuck off. You are doing great so take no notice of others