Was I really in the wrong?

[MammaKel]

Hi All,

We're currently on holiday at disneyland paris with two sen toddlers.

It's snowing today so both toddlers had 3 layers on top, two on bottom and two pairs of socks, a snowsuit, a coat and wellies.

The younger one has sensory issues especially with her head and hands, so I battled with her to keep her hat and gloves on whilst in the snow.

We went to a restaurant and sat outside, protected from the snow but was still outside and the younger one threw her hat and gloves off and started having a melt down. Unfortunately with her melt downs, you have to give her a minute to regulate her emotions or she ends up more distressed, throwing herself and eventually makes herself sick.

As awful as it looks, ignoring her for a couple of minutes works best (after many trials of trying to comfort her etc).

So whilst my DH was collecting the food, I was with both toddlers whilst she was having a melt down, I kept watching her to make sure she was safe in her pram etc and wasn't hurting herself when a man shouted over asking me if she was okay and I said yes, she just needs a minute and his partner interrupted and said I better get her hat and gloves on and I replied saying she's autistic, she has sensory issues and before we go back outside ill put them back on (before she pulls them off again) and she shook her head saying I was upsetting her (the woman) by neglecting my child.

I apologised for and said I'm doing my best and I'm sorry it's upsetting to her and she turned away and I can hear them call me basically and then DH came back, toddler stopped having a melt down and asked for some chips.

We live up north and this was the first time we've taken her out in extreme weather and I didn't know she wouldn't wear a hat or gloves but she was definitely warm enough, I put enough layers on.

I just don't know what else I could have done in that situation, after we ate we came back to the hotel immediately due to the weather and her refusing to wear gloves and a hat.

I love both my children and really do try my best but now I'm wondering if every stranger thinks I'm the worst mum in the world.

I'm not saying the couple was wrong to call me out, if they genuinely thought a child was being neglected then I'd rather someone say something but I just feel a bit deflated and like crap really.

Were they German (DH is) and when we have been in Germany and from speaking to relatives a lack of hat, gloves, snowsuit etc is something that every Oma within 10 miles will feel the need to comment on!
You were fine OP, you know your DC best and you were managing in a way that you know works
As an aside what is Disneyland like in the snow? I always picture it as beautiful but maybe its just a bit slushy and rubbish

The only unreasonable thing you did was engaging with the couple in the first place.

One of the school mums I knew a few years back had a younger son who had autism and was non verbal.

If anyone passed judgement during his melt downs (and they often did) she would politely say 'if you have any advice or suggestions, please do share them with me because I'm doing my best right now'

My friend has an autistic child , whilst he was throwing the wobbler of the century at a tourist attraction once , he was probably around 5 .
A lady came up to my friend & said I've got 4 now grown up children , we've all been there , is there anything I can actually do to help ?

My friend burst into tears at her kindness ! That would have been a more constructive question from this couple .

You're clearly doing your best and know what you are about. Nobody else's business and please dont be afraid to say that to anyone. Start off politely ...then

You did nothing wrong. You know your child and know what's best to help them when they're overwhelmed.

Forget about the rude couple and fill your mind with all the times your DC were smiling and had the best time ever 💕

If this is in reference to my posts in any way, my advice isn't about having the same rule for every child, it's about having consistent and objective rules. As I said, sometimes I think 20c is too cold if it isn't a sunny day.

Apologies, it was aimed at the public in general not anyone quoting in the thread, but looking at it I can see why it came across that way x

My son wore thin summer shorts to school last week IN THE SNOW!!!

You're doing a great job!

Managed to bribe him into trousers for 3 days after that by threatening to turn WiFi off, but now it's above 0 degrees he's back in shorts. 🤣🙈 Apparently it's boiling in school?!

Well, that's a really bloody unhelpful and ignorant comment, isn't it?
Sensory issues aren't homogeneous and I'm sure OP has a better grasp upon what her SEN child/ren can handle than a random person on MN.

wtf is wrong with you?

Unfortunately, this is something you get used to after a while and you start to grow a thicker skin and have more come backs.
My son is 13 years old, non-verbal and has autism and is very similar to your young children. No way would he wear a hat or gloves.
When having a meltdown we have to leave him alone or else it goes on longer.
Luckily meltdowns have become fewer and far between as he has gotten older.
Just remember that you are not in the wrong and try not to let the comments bother you. I know this is easier said than done. I have cried many times due to comments a stranger has made.
What really bother me is when I explain my son has autism every single time the judgemental person responds with "oh my sister / brother / niece / nephew / cousin etc has autism so I know a lot about it".
I now respond with "it that is the case then you would have kept your unwelcome judgemental comments to yourself".
My responses have become less and less polite over the years.

My 2 year old was out in the snow in just a tracksuit last week and she was fine. They are not going to freeze to death, their bodies do actually need to be tested once in a while. I'm sorry you went through this, I'm sorry people are such ignorant, arrogant arseholes.

What other tests do you do?

It's snowing today so both toddlers had 3 layers on top, two on bottom and two pairs of socks, a snowsuit, a coat and wellies.

She was probably taking her hat and gloves off because she was hot. I’m sen and get really angry if I’m too hot.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.insidehook.com/advice/kids-wear-shorts-all-winter%3famp

I.found this interesting. And in my experience, it is typically boys who insist on shorts.

Only thing you did wrong was apologise and explain yourself. Shame you won't be around to watch her toddler throwing a tantrum when they're older so you can butt in with an unhelpful comment.

Sounds like you're doing great and they need to wind their necks in x

It was unsolicited and unwarranted, and as the parent of an autistic child you will know very well that with each child the challenges are very different.

And as I have said, having objective, consistent rules is the advice. Not follow the rule that I have for my son. I gave that as an example of how I outsource the decision to someone/something other than me or him.

Clear, consistent parenting is key for all children to learn how to independently care for themselves and others.