DH - I'll do it later

[antonssuitjacket]

DH pulls his weight but often says "Leave the dishwasher, I'll do it later." But it's already been full of clean stuff for hours so I can't get near the worktop cos of all the new dirty stuff to go in.

I do housework in the day and all the meal planning/shopping/cooking as I work PT and him FT. He does the kitchen after tea but thinks this is loading the dishwasher and the job is complete.

Running late for school this morning (this makes DS upset) because DH was too tired last night ('let's do it later') and I had to cook/clean up around it this morning. I'm sure I do things that annoy him but his reply was 'Oh so the stressful morning was all my fault? Why don't you do the washing up when back from the school run? 😤

Wish I could say I'll do it later when it comes to cooking!

Next time he says he will do it later, say fine, but you would like an agreement about the time by which it will be done as later is too open to interpretation. You want a clear agreement as you are fed up with having arguments because things arent clear between the two of you over the washing up being done.

i think its known as a SMART goal or agreement. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound

So washing up by 9pm, includes dishwasher being emptied, filled and turned on, with anything that doesnt fit in the dishwasher hand washed, dried and put away. The sink rinsed and the counters around the sink and dishwasher wiped.

If he agrees and doesnt do it, then you have a discussion about why he didnt live up to his agreement

It would drive me mad too, but properly laid out agreements can help to stop frustration due to slacking or distracted DHes

Surely it's better for you both to just wash up as you go along, rather than having your worktops full of dirty stuff?

This would drive me mad and I'd be having serious words with him.

I try to load the dishwasher as I cook as well but as I'm the only one who cooks (he's working), that would mean me doing it all.

It was the 'just do it when you're back from school run' comment that annoyed me.

OP, I'm afraid this is the trap you fall into when you're part time - your employer tends to think you can do a full time job in part time hours, and your partner thinks because you're part time and they're not that you should do pretty much everything at home. You have to push back hard.

Maybe look at how much down time each of you currently has and see if you can agree a better split of essential jobs? Then hold him to that.

It seems pretty clear that in this scenario 'I'll do it later' actually meant 'You can do it tomorrow'. Presumably either the DH had agreed that he would do it, or you OP was about to empty it in the evening but her DH wanted her to do something else and/or felt guilty if she was doing it whilst he was sitting doing nothing. What he actually meant was 'don't empty the dishwasher whilst I'm around because I might feel I should help, please do it when I have left the house tomorrow'.

The first thing you said in your OP was that he pulls his weight. But he doesn’t, at all. He says he’ll do it, then doesn’t, so you have to.

In this situation I tried to make sure the chores assigned to ExH were ones where when he didn't do them it only
Impacted him.

So he did his laundry. He cleaned our en-suite (and I used the family bathroom if it was too dirty for me).

Or go down the must be done by 9pm route.

Why would the dishwasher not being loaded make your child late for school?

You are not alone. Your husband needs to up his game.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I'd say something like "no, fo it now I can't cook otherwise" then hand him the phone to order takeaway if it's not done by the time you need it to be done.

Be assertive and specific

DS is a fussy eater and I needed things that weren't washed up yet.

caffelattetogo
I was cooking DS's breakfast, then I had to do their packed lunches, make sure they are ready, pack the car, take my medicine, eat my own breakfast before I drive them to school etc. I didn't have time to be doing the washing up etc that he left from last night so that I could use the utensils to cook the breakfast.

It would help if I did the packed lunches the night before/got up earlier to do stuff.

Given what you wrote

It would help if I did the packed lunches the night before/got up earlier to do stuff.

This part is key. Make DH do it

I work 11-2 and he works 9-5 (both at home). As I have more time, I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, school runs and after school routine til 5.

He is the main earner and does the finances/bills, bins, hangs some washing out, dishwasher when he's not too tired. He used to do the packed lunches but didn't always have time before work as he sometimes starts early so I do that now.

It's works out fair and we help each other out when we need to. It's just the Do It Later bit lol.

You keep telling yourself that, OP.

Too knackered to empty a dishwasher? Break rocks in a quarry by hand does he? 😂

What does he say if you do it yourself on the grounds you can't wait until 'later'?

My XH used to say this. 'I'll do the dishes later, I'll tidy up later, I'll put my stuff away later.' And I'd eventually have to do it because after several days stuff HAD to be done. And I'd then get 'oh, I was just about to do it...'

He was not about to do it. He said he'd do it and then never thought about it again. This was his entire contribution to housework. If this is your DH's approach to housework, I cannot recommend continuing being married.

He says nothing if I’ve gone and done it myself. He has commitments with helping friends and looking after a family member several times a week which I guess is the reason he is tired in the evenings?

Do you obey his every command? Do the dishwasher yourself and he can do another chore.

He's too tired to empty the dishwasher in his own home because he helps his friends?? He works full-time and you work part-time and do everything else. This is not fair on you.

So you’re his lowest priority, below his friends and family member.

Same with me and my Ex...think there's a pattern here.

After many arguments I once left my Ex's "I'll do it later dishes" for him to actually do later, and they piled up over 3 days at which point I took a picture and sent it to him asking when later was. His response? "Why did you let it get to this point, why haven't you done it".

Ex for many many reasons, this included. Funny enough he's able to keep his now bachelor flat spotless, whereas when we were together even washing up his own plate was a problem.

All of this lol

finances/bills, bins, hangs some washing out, dishwasher when he's not too tired.

So he doesn't pull his weight then. Finances and bills need a quick look once a month at most - many of them just once a year. Bins are 5 mins a week. Hanging out some of the washing and (not) doing the dishwasher don't make those trivialities up to a fair share.

you and your DC come too low in his prorities. Give him a shake, OP, fgs, and stop all this nonsense.

It’s not that as he looks after us really well but he over-commits then looks shattered.