DH - I'll do it later

[antonssuitjacket]

DH pulls his weight but often says "Leave the dishwasher, I'll do it later." But it's already been full of clean stuff for hours so I can't get near the worktop cos of all the new dirty stuff to go in.

I do housework in the day and all the meal planning/shopping/cooking as I work PT and him FT. He does the kitchen after tea but thinks this is loading the dishwasher and the job is complete.

Running late for school this morning (this makes DS upset) because DH was too tired last night ('let's do it later') and I had to cook/clean up around it this morning. I'm sure I do things that annoy him but his reply was 'Oh so the stressful morning was all my fault? Why don't you do the washing up when back from the school run? 😤

Wish I could say I'll do it later when it comes to cooking!

He made their lunches this morning and put a wash on etc. As he is in and out the house a lot at random times with work, caring, helping people out, we just do what we can when we can.

He is the kindest soul I know but he can spread himself thinly sometimes. We are middle aged with young kids so of course I’m up for living life to the full (which I love about him) but it’s a fine line between that and being burnt out.

i still think you need the conversation about not spreading yourselves too thin, and doing things that need doing without someone having to remind you (that is the famous mental load)

And yippee. He stepped up today. Tomorrow? the next day?

I think every relationship has one person who thinks it’s fine to leave until later, and one who wants it done at the time, and they marry each other. 😂

Next time he wants sex - you say we will do it later 😂

@MulberryMush hilarious! 🤣

Taking your reasonable point as “you make everything my fault” is a way of him avoiding any responsibility for the situation- it immediately makes you the unreasonable one and absolves him of addressing any part of what you say. If it’s just occasional at times of stress- fine. If it’s a pattern that always happens, that’s not fine, and in fact it edges into abusive behaviour.

If everything else is good then maybe some relationship counselling would help, or maybe there are specific courses about conflict resolution.

Ever notice how "pink jobs" (ugh!) are relentless, every day, never ending, while "blue jobs" (ugh!) are once a week, once a month, once a quarter, once a year?

He had an achy chest last night and felt tense.

The last few weeks have been a lot. Looking back, he has been exhausted and a bit distant and I think I reacted to that yesterday which was proably the last thing he needed but if your partner is stressed, then it's going to affect you. I have been doing more to take the load off and he has still been doing stuff round the house.

How do those with active husbands (who don't think they are busy) get them to recharge or set boundaries on occasion? I can't remember the last day off he had where he didn't have/want to be somewhere.

again: you and your DH need to have a grown up conversation. He needs to learn to a) set boundaries and b) actually do his part at home.

you clearly love him, and you think he's fabulous, but he really isn't. And sounds as though he's heading for a heart attack if he doesn't do something.

He apologised and I apologised for snapping. We both agreed the last few weeks have been a lot but it's calmed down now. He's been doing the kitchen and helping get the morning stuff ready every day.