DH - I'll do it later

[antonssuitjacket]

DH pulls his weight but often says "Leave the dishwasher, I'll do it later." But it's already been full of clean stuff for hours so I can't get near the worktop cos of all the new dirty stuff to go in.

I do housework in the day and all the meal planning/shopping/cooking as I work PT and him FT. He does the kitchen after tea but thinks this is loading the dishwasher and the job is complete.

Running late for school this morning (this makes DS upset) because DH was too tired last night ('let's do it later') and I had to cook/clean up around it this morning. I'm sure I do things that annoy him but his reply was 'Oh so the stressful morning was all my fault? Why don't you do the washing up when back from the school run? 😤

Wish I could say I'll do it later when it comes to cooking!

Helping friends, is that an excuse to be out of the house so he just comes home for his meals and to do the minimum?

Occasionally doing it later is one thing, and often not doing it is another. I'd have another discussion. I like the idea of looking at free time available, in terms of things you need to get done.

I'd rather live with him than you.

He is brilliant. He’s very caring and does a lot for everyone. He is a very hands on Dad.

I think a lot falls to him (ill relative and supporting an ill friend).

I snapped at him this morning about the bloody washing up and now I feel bad as he’s taken himself off to bed feeling shattered and said he was tense all day.

I think he needs a day of lounging about so he’s having a weekend off from it all.

My mum used to have a note she put out every night. ‘A clean kitchen has
bare, wiped benches and table,
a swept floor,
a cleared draining board,
a dishwasher running,
wiped SPARKLING clean sink
teatowels neatly hung up.
good night!’

id do that 📝 , and sweetly tell my dh I’ve realised he thinks emptying the dishwasher is cleaning the kitchen, so to make sure we don’t have resentment building up I’ve listed what makes a clean kitchen, and when you’ve done it all you can get credit for cleaning the kitchen, and when you’ve not unloaded the dishwasher till the morning you can understand it’s blocking the whole process and yes I am resentful ‘Mr it’s not a problem because you can just fit it into your day. I fit a lot for our family into my day and a little appreciation would be nice, instead of dismissing my efforts completely by treating my day as empty and available. The notice is going on the fridge.’

Has your husband hacked your MN ?? What ?
When do you get your time off to lounge around?

He’s had a lot going on recently with friends and family plus a busy job and responsibilities.

When he is stressed, I will of course feel the pressure and that’s why I snapped at him about the kitchen. I feel bad now and can’t sleep.

He doesn’t need to make excuses for not doing his fair share as you seem to be making more than enough for him.

I think very differently to a lot of the comments. Similar situation 4 kids, p,t work not from home and last year hubby who works f.t mum got cancer and he became her main carer in between doing work and all the usual family stuff with the kids. Even tho it was hard I took on some of his usual jobs dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms because I could see not only was he shattered traveling to work or spending nights with his mum until she passed he was emotionally exhausted and literally just plodding on. When there's different problems going on at once a dishwasher is not a huge thing to load or un load yourself. A good marriage recognises when the other is actually struggling along and picks up for a while

I’ve mucked up. I snapped at him when he’s already got a lot on his mind.

I’ve apologised. I don’t know what else to do. When your
partner is stressed, it surely makes you feel it as well?

What did you apologise for?

I said he made me late by leaving the kitchen in a mess and I had to make breakfast and packed lunches and I didn’t have time to be washing up the stuff I needed whilst getting kids ready for school. He said I blamed him for my bad morning.

He said why didn’t you just ask me to do it there and then?
I didn’t because he’s busy eating and getting ready for work himself and was getting in the shower.

I’ve felt the stress as well when he’s been pressured with a lot going on.

Sustainability of clean dishes?
Change the chore mix until it works.

For example: You do the cooking and the washing up completely on Sun - Thurs, he does the cooking and washing up on Friday and Saturday. In exchange he does all of his washing, the bathroom towells and and the Saturday sport washing.

Is there a simple, physical reason why the dish washer not being emptied has such an impact? Do you need more bowls or butter plates?
As the kids get older they can be helping out with regular daily chores; remember to factor that in and start to include them.
The child who is extra fussy could learn how to dry their own plate, for example.

Well he did leave the kitchen messy knowing you'd clean it up. He didn't help at all with the morning routine, just sat looking after himself and he could have just jumped in rather than needing explicit instructions.

If I need to bring something up with him, he can’t look at me and says I’m blaming him for everything that goes wrong. He’s even walked off halfway though in the past.

So I struggle to approach things and I get frustrated because I feel like he’s got so much on already that I’m just adding to it so I don’t say anything then stuff builds and I blurt it out.

I just want us to communicate better so I can support him.

Your relationship seems like a one way street. What is your husband doing to support you?

You need to have an open conversation with him try to come up with a compromise. You have needs too and he agreed to be a father and that comes with responsibilities.

If you find yourself having the same arguments then something is wrong.

You just want you both to communicate better so that your can support him.

I don't get the impression that he wants you both to communicate better. That would involve him taking ownership of when he gets things wrong.

I don't get the impression that he wants to understand how to better support you.

He does lots to support us in every way. I just don’t know how to communicate with him sometimes (it’s not my strong point as had childhood trauma and need to
learn healthy conflict resolution) and it’s
so frustrating when you’re trying to sort out a minor specific thing and he takes it that everything is all his fault and says he feels fed up.

OP is either the husband or a complete and utter doormat. It's coming across as pathetic in either case.

Just leave it then and let him do it later

tbh if I was him it would piss me of that you could load the dishwasher when you were cooking (I tidy as I go along ) he was working so it wasn’t as though he is just sat doing nothing watching you
but you leave it for him after he’s finished working out of pettiness

Thx for all your advice. We have talked and we are working on it.

We’ve both been under a lot of pressure recently.

Do say that. If my partner does this (he does on occasion) I say I cannot cook in a dirty kitchen.

you either put up with it and moan here a lot, or you tell him to learn to say no sometimes. And to prioitise you and your DCs.

he does sound kind, but useless at boundary setting.

"looks shattered" - so do i after a day of desk jockeying, so does my DH after a day of cheffing, but we both do laundry, un/load the diswasher etc etc.

He said why didn’t you just ask me to do it there and then?
I didn’t because he’s busy eating and getting ready for work himself and was getting in the shower.

sorry, OP. By not getting lunches etc ready in the evening you (both) make a rod for your own backs (he can help you do that...)

How come he gets to eat and get ready and you run around like a blue arsed fly? His stress affects you, so let your stress affect him too.

You need a grown-up conversation with him about how you can both mitigate your stresses. And a good start would be to do things in the evening. Morning you will thank evening you for that.

So. some things that will help you: double the number of plates, bowls, cutlery etc that you have. That mitigates the dishwasher problem somewhat.
Have a large plastic box in the kitchen to put the "pending" dirty dishes in when the washer is full. Each of you is responsible for making sure the dishwasher is either running or being emptied or being filled with the next lot. Nobody needs reminding, you both have grown-up jobs and children. This is being an adult.

You put out clothes for the next day during part of the night time routine.
You make the packed lunches and get the breakfast things ready as part of the post night-time for DCs routine. (or one does DCs one does breakast/lunch)

Nobody lounges around having a lovely morning routine while the other is doing All The Things. this doesn't need asking for - this is stepping in and parenting.

The DCs need to learn to put their things in the dishwasher etc.