Dh and silent treatment

[bobslay28]

I would preface this by saying I know MN can be quite dismissive of stepfamilies but I'd ask for this to be treated like a 'normal' family if possible. My dh and I have been together since my ds was 4, he's now 13 so most of his life. We have dc together now too and for the most part ds and dh have always had a brilliant relationship. It's only now he's reached the teenage years we're seeing some issues and I think that's probably standard in most families.

Anyway dh is a lovely man but he is prone to giving the silent treatment whenever he's annoyed. It's the one thing I hate about him. It creates such a bad atmosphere in the house and actually makes me very upset and anxious. I've explained this to him but he can't seem to help himself retreating into a sulk if he feels he's been offended or upset.

Yesterday ds and I were having a chat about school and dh kept interrupting telling us to hurry up and get ready as we had to be somewhere. It was very frustrating especially since every interruption meant the conversation was taking longer to finish. Ds in the end said 'shut up you d*' to him. Now I know this is totally unacceptable and he was immediately pulled up on it. I told him he can't speak to adults like that and reiterated it again to him later in the day too.

But since then dh has flat out blanked him and says he'll continue to do so until he gets an apology. No mention of him apologising for interrupting us though.

They haven't spoken since and this morning I walked in to breakfast to see them walking around each other and not talking. It was fucking pathetic. I think because I hate it so much I am now very annoyed at dh for doing it to my ds. We have plans this weekend as a family and I'm so close to telling them both we'll cancel it all unless they sort it out. But mostly I'm annoyed with dh as he's an adult and my ds is a child.

How can I speak to him/them about this?

My dh was a silent treatment-er too. He claimed it was perfectly fine because he was being completely genuine in his desire to not want to talk to me and therefore when he did want to talk to me I would know it was genuine too.

When he tried it on our son I went filull blown nuclear and told him I didn't care how he treated me but if he thought for one second it's OK for his child to think his dad loved him so little he could blank him then our relationship was over.

He's never done it again and in fact he rarely does it with me now as I just ignore it and carry on chattering away as normal. You can break the atmosphere OP - be strong. X

Your son should apologise (and if he won't then a different sanction for calling your husband a duck and refusing to apologise).

Your husband is trickier as it's entrenched behaviour, you've spoken about it before, he hasn't changed. Ergo, he doesn't want to change. He likes the power of you being sad and anxious and trying to appease him. How do you feel about that? I'd start by ignoring him when he sulks. I'd consider divorce if this is a frequent issue.

Whilst your dh is being a dick, I’m more shocked by the fact that your ds wasn’t made to apologise immediately and clearly still hasn’t?
How on earth can you think that’s ok, for a 13 yr old to say that to an adult and not have to apologise?

Also if you were running late but you and ds insisted you had to finish a co variation before leaving, despite running late - that’s just the height of rudeness too.

It sounds like you’re both as bad as each other. I’d recommend some family therapy as this is only going to get worse with a 13 yr old in the mix getting caught up between you both.

DS to apologise.
DH also to apologise. Your DH is a big sulky man baby and is giving the ick. It’s not ok to treat people that way and I’d tell him so. To start doing it to children is disgusting.

I’m with your son on this one.

Your DH is being a big sulky dick and silent treatment is a form of abuse.

take your son out for the day and leave the sully manchild at home.

Your DH's behaviour isn't great but where are the consequences for your teenager's behaviour and language?

I said in my op I know it's completely unacceptable for ds to talk like that. The language is a new thing, coinciding with him starting seniors and no doubt hearing foul language all day everyday. It's not ok and he's been told that. He's never once sworn at me but I think there's some sort of alpha male thing going on and he thinks it's fine to challenge dh with this sort of behaviour. He doesn't swear often but he does have attitude and it's really hard managing that and also dh's reaction.

But on this occasion we weren't running late, dh was just being bossy and annoying and actually quite rude himself. It's still not ok for ds to speak like that but sometimes it's better to separate them and let them both cool off before insisting on apologies. Unfortunately they are both in a silent stalemate with each other at the moment.

My mother was a sulker and it ruined my childhood and has left me unable to deal with a negative atmosphere.

If my husband and I argue and he is then a bit off with me it makes me really anxious and I over compensate.

Nip this in the bud now before it permanently damages their relationship.

I think the content of the conversation with your son is relevant here. You might not want to share it here, but, for example if it was something important to ds that dh thought trivial, dh might have been deliberately trying to shut it down. Or, if ds was trying to open up or tell you something urgent or sensitive, I can see why you wanted to get the full info. I don't know, but worth thinking about.
I can't abide men who sulk. It is all about control and making others anxious.

It is a very common power struggle between immature adult males and teenage boys. Often much worse when boy is not biological child of adult because the bond is not there. It is a risky situation because your ds needs good parenting from the adult male throughout this tricky period of adolescence.

But on this occasion we weren't running late, dh was just being bossy and annoying and actually quite rude himself

You know it’s a practice used by abusers don’t you?

I really don’t like the sound of your horrible partner. He abuses all of you. I daresay he’ll treat his ‘real’ children better than your son as time goes on. Is this the role model you want for your son?

Yes.

It’s never ok to call an elder a dick when the person doing it is 13yo

Your son needs to apologise and understand that he cannot use that language against his step father, mother or any adult for that matter

It isn’t that deep just tell him to apologise and move on

Why didn't you just say to dh " it is ok, we aren't late, we just need to finish this chat and we will be ready"?
It should never have got to the stage it did.

Same, my mum could (still can) blank me for weeks at a time. It's toxic, abusive behaviour and if a partner ever did it, it would be over immediately for me. Doing it to a child is unforgivable.

Yeh, I’m with the never ok to call your (s)dad a dick like that. Ds needs to apologise and dh should too but ds’s “crime” is definitely the worst. I would speak to dh in private and say you will tell Ds to apologise but explain you were discussing something important and you’d really like dh to also apologise for interrupting.

Gosh some people on here have low standards for the behaviour of adult males. I don’t buy this ‘children always have to respect their elders’ stuff. Your DH was not being respectful and in fact is now bullying the child. How is that worthy of kowtowing?

I’d bang their heads together (figuratively!). When they are both in same room say firmly they need to stop this immediately. DS you need to apologies now, DH you need to accept graciously and stop the silent treatment. Then we all need to move on.

Stonewalling is a recognised form of emotional abuse.

Real adults use their words to navigate conflict, parents should use their actual parenting skills to discipline mouthy teenagers - not huff around like an overtired 6 year old. If I were in your shoes I would make clear to DH that his pathetic behaviour is a threat to the marriage and that if he doesn't have the innate ability to just bloody stop it (maybe because of how he was parented etc) then he needs to find a therapist pretty damn quick.

I don't agree with what you said about it being inappropriate.
Children should feel safe in their home to challenge anyone, including adults.
Your child was calling your DH out for his behaviour.
He was responding to the constant interruptions of a very immature adult it seems. His reaction, to call him a name is pretty healthy for that age group.
Your child is simply saying things that you wanted to express.
Sometimes the issues people see with teenagers is them exerting authority over themselves and adults loathe this. Your child could benefit from more responsibilities.
Your DH is a lost cause. Silent treatment and sulking is abusive. Bin him?

For me, this is the classic case of one person needling and needling and needling, thus causing a resulting reaction. It's then the person reacting who looks like the bad guy.

Yes, DS should apologise. But so should DH. It's never acceptable to curse at an adult, but it's a fairly normal reaction when pushed into it.

I had this once with my (soon to be x)DH and teen son. My DH just would not stop with the useless badgering of my son (over something very trivial), until finally after politely replying as long as possible, my son just shouted something like omg can you just shut up? No cursing, but my DH just sulked about that for days. My son apologised fairly quickly, but my DH never did. In his mind, he wasn't the rude one because he hadn't shouted.

The silent treatment is about power and control. It’s abusive.

Your son is learning that it is normal and this will be the way he treats his future partner.

Ds should not have sworn. And he does need to curb his attitude sometimes. I am not a strict parent with him as such because I've never needed to be. He's always been very polite and well behaved. We are seeing changes now but I would say that's fairly normal given his age, hormones and so on.

I've painted dh badly in this thread. But overall he is a good dh and father/stepfather. For over 5 years it was just me, dh and ds and their bond was brilliant. He helps out with commitments like sports and clubs. He supports him/us financially. They are affectionate (not so much anymore). But my point is it has always been a solid relationship. He isn't just some random boyfriend and while MN tends to suggest that all stepparents secretly hate their step kids, this just hasn't been the case.

I do think the teenage years will be tough. My own stepdad bore the brunt of my teenage attitude and temper tantrums far more than anyone else. He was just the obvious person to rebel against and it was only when I grew up that I actually realised all he did for me.

The sulking has to stop. In the past I've justified it to myself as being better than someone who flies off the handle and creates a huge row but now I'm starting to think it's as bad, maybe worse. It's just part of his personality. He retreats and is moody. I suppose it's his right to do that but I wish he would think the effect it has on those around him.

I think you’ll find he is already fully aware of the affect of his silent treatment on others.

He knows, they always do. It’s time for women to stop accepting this behaviour and excusing it away.

My dad is a big sulked too. I learnt some toxic ways of appeasing men because of it. Now we just ignore him right back and carry on having fun around him. It's up to them how they are approaching any situation and as an adult they shouldn't need convincing that joining in/experiencing the day/not sulking is better behaviour. It's a move for power and once you recognise this it takes it away - I see my dad as a giant baby when he does it now and men who do it lose a lot of respect from me.