Dh and silent treatment

[bobslay28]

I would preface this by saying I know MN can be quite dismissive of stepfamilies but I'd ask for this to be treated like a 'normal' family if possible. My dh and I have been together since my ds was 4, he's now 13 so most of his life. We have dc together now too and for the most part ds and dh have always had a brilliant relationship. It's only now he's reached the teenage years we're seeing some issues and I think that's probably standard in most families.

Anyway dh is a lovely man but he is prone to giving the silent treatment whenever he's annoyed. It's the one thing I hate about him. It creates such a bad atmosphere in the house and actually makes me very upset and anxious. I've explained this to him but he can't seem to help himself retreating into a sulk if he feels he's been offended or upset.

Yesterday ds and I were having a chat about school and dh kept interrupting telling us to hurry up and get ready as we had to be somewhere. It was very frustrating especially since every interruption meant the conversation was taking longer to finish. Ds in the end said 'shut up you d*' to him. Now I know this is totally unacceptable and he was immediately pulled up on it. I told him he can't speak to adults like that and reiterated it again to him later in the day too.

But since then dh has flat out blanked him and says he'll continue to do so until he gets an apology. No mention of him apologising for interrupting us though.

They haven't spoken since and this morning I walked in to breakfast to see them walking around each other and not talking. It was fucking pathetic. I think because I hate it so much I am now very annoyed at dh for doing it to my ds. We have plans this weekend as a family and I'm so close to telling them both we'll cancel it all unless they sort it out. But mostly I'm annoyed with dh as he's an adult and my ds is a child.

How can I speak to him/them about this?

It's just part of his personality. He retreats and is moody. I suppose it's his right to do that but I wish he would think the effect it has on those around him. @bobslay28

It's not part of his personality, he decides when to do it and for how long. It's abusive.

He absolutely is thinking about the effect it has on those around him, that's why he's doing it.

Obviously your ds shouldn't have sworn at him but at the same time, he was clearly frustrated, why didn't you step in on his behalf and speak up to your DH before it got to that point?
Your DH was goading him, annoying him, what do you expect was going to happen and leaving then to it is letting your ds down.

I did step in. I calmly told dh to stop and said that he was making us take longer by interrupting. When he did it again I, less calmly, told him to be quiet. I expect ds noticed my frustration and followed suit. So actually it didn't diffuse anything, we all behaved quite unpleasantly.

my actual words were 'I'm not minimising it' and I'm not because I knows it's shit behaviour and I know how it makes me feel. But it is not on par with physical violence, in my view anyway

Again, domestic violence isn't all about being hit.

I also wish ds would see that should his stepdad and I split up over their rows, his life would be nowhere near as rosy as it currently is. If he could try to be a bit more respectful and certainly stop the swearing and boundary

I understand. Priorities.

@bobslay28 but why would he need to be respectful to somebody who doesn't respect him? Just because he's an adult?

It's all fine that financially he is better off with his step-dad there but I don't think most 13 year olds would prefer that over having a comfortable home life where they are not walking on egg shells, they don't even understand what the reality of that is.

Not sure what your final comment means You must struggle with reading comprehension as again, I literally wrote my children are my priority. Is there an echo in here?

What I meant was, ds life has and continues to be benefitted by a 2 parent family. Emotionally, financially and practically. They do get on. They do love each other. And I actually think ds would be mortified if we broke up because the two of them can't get on living together in a house. But in the heat of the moment neither of them see that.

Obviously by MN standards I'm a shit mum who prioritises my 'new boyfriend' over my children for not immediately kicking him out at the first sign of conflict.

The fact that I've posted about this suggests that it's a new issue doesn't it? Dh has never done this to ds before. There is no egg shell walking usually, it's a happy household! But there are rows cropping up more often now that ds is getting older.

Your DH doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the damage he’s doing to you and your DS. I’d actually make him read something like this article.

www.raq.org.au/blog/silent-treatment-abuse

But this is your DPs pattern. He will do this again, and again, and again. So the issue isn't new, he's just added another target. The only two outcomes from this continuing is that they will get into a physical fight (and then you have to leave with your child(ren) or your son will start to avoid your DP so he doesn't upset him and because he resents him.

It's your DP you have to work on here, not your son. Even it was your son's words who caused this particular issue this time, it's your DPs actions that both provoked it and prolonged it.

That's actually very useful. I will forward him that.

I also wish ds would see that should his stepdad and I split up over their rows, his life would be nowhere near as rosy as it currently is. If he could try to be a bit more respectful and certainly stop the swearing and boundary

I literally wrote my children are my priority.

Dude, the 2 statements from you contradict each other.

Never tell your son it's his fault if you and his stepdad split up because of his and SDs rows. It's not his fault. You are prioritising your lifestyle above all else.

See the sad thing is I don't even have to try and convince you. You think this is a new thing but it's actually escalating behaviour. It won't stop there.

I'm not telling you to leave him btw. You're being defensive on this thread because you're being told things that hadn't occured to you. But I would be telling husband in no uncertain terms that when he wants to sulk, he can fuck off and do it somewhere else until he's over himself. Not expect a kid to rein it in as not to antagonise his stepdad.

Whether or not you thought your DH was being rude, your DS turned to Insults.

If he wasn't told to apologise immediately by you then I would be surprised if your marriage survives the teenage years.

Assuming your DH can't 'parent' your son then it's down to you to find the resolution.

I can't imagine a scenario on here where a stepchild would not have to apologise immediately for calling their stepmother something similar

@gamerchick without being pedantic, I don't see how the two statements contradict each other at all. My children are my priority. I will side with them and protect above all else, even if they are wrong.

However that doesn't mean I can't encourage respect and boundaries within our family! Stating that his life would change is a fact. We'd have to move for a start. And I would struggle to facilitate a lot of the things he does now. It wasn't my lifestyle I was thinking of.

I would never blame him for anything and I haven't had this conversation directly with him other than to encourage him to be a bit more respectful to dh. I drew on my experience with my own stepfather who I was similarly vile to as a teenager. Purely because he seemed like the best outlet for my teenage angst. I still don't know why. But I do look back now and cringe at my behaviour.

I have already said that I've given dh the riot act and told him it's unacceptable and to fuck off somewhere else if he plans to continue.

I have mixed feelings about this.

I despise the silent treatment and people who give it.

But that's when the person is being persistently silent as a means of coercive control, normally despite the other person trying to talk through what's upset them or not having a clue what has upset them.

I don't love your DH's behavior but... in his view he's still waiting for an apology. Which is reasonable to expect and which he has not had yet.

Given he finds it unacceptable to be spoken to in that way, how would you want him to handle it? It must be hard to tackle when it's not your own child and the biological parent is defending them.

They both need to apologise.
DS first then DH.
You might need to mediate. Then everyone move on.
They both need to mind their manners and treat others with respect.

Dh can't stand not being in control can he? He clearly doesn't like you and your ds having a conversation that doesn't involve him. So he interrupts and niggles, even though you are not running late. Then, when he has provoked both of you to the point where you both get annoyed, he blames you both and sulks. This will get worse.

You said your husband is a lovely man who gives the silent treatment when he's annoyed. I don't think that's a lovely man, tbh. The silent treatment is emotionally abusive and very damaging, particularly for children. It's a sudden withdrawal of love, affection, approval, it says "you no longer exist" and "my love for you, my willingness to even notice you, is conditional on you not annoying me". Really psychologically damaging. My mother does this and it harmed me, we all tiptoed around her, like you do with your husband.

Not a lovely man.

Your dh should not be sulking with your ds.

You should have given a consequence to your ds. You don't appear to have done so. You have brushed it away with how he is usually lovely. It must be because he is hearing bad language at school etc etc. He should not be allowed to speak to his parent in this way. What consequence has there been?

It’s not a ‘normal’ family though and to be so dismissive of how your ds might feel about that is completely unfair to him. Your ds shouldn’t have spoken the way he did, but nor should he have been continually interrupted either.

He’s a kid who still has to learn what to say when people are being actual dicks instead of telling them the truth.

Your ‘D’H is an adult who should know a lot better.

This exactly. I despair reading threads like these. Another reason I don’t date people with kids. No way would I allow a child to speak to me like that and get away with not apologising immediately.

But yes the silent treatment is abusive and I hate it. I dumped the last man before my current partner due to that. The first time he done it we were over tbh.

In OPs house that's not how they do things though. Better to get a genuine apology when everyone has cooled off, rather than either escalating and storming off, or the word 'sorry' becoming a superficial word with no meaning.

What I wouldn't like, is the idea that I was being coerced into apologising. Because DH has said he will keep up the silent treatment until he gets an apology. So either DS will crack because he can't take the the shitty atmosphere anymore, or OP will crack and make him apologise. Neither is a genuine, heartfelt 'sorry you know I didn't really mean that' apology though is it?

And every time someone in that house cracks under the pressure of the silent treatment, 'D'H gets a little more reinforcement that he can basically get anything he wants, anytime, if he just sulks long enough...

My children are my priority. I will side with them and protect above all else, even if they are wrong.

People really should know what they’re signing up when they become stepparents in some cases.

I expect a decent parent to protect them and prioritise their kids - but siding with them when they’re wrong? Yikes!

No wonder your son felt emboldened to speak like that. Good luck to your husband!

I usually dislike when people do this but if you were the stepmother and your stepson said to you, ‘shut up you b*tch’, because you continually interrupted their conversation, and then your husband kept pulling you up over being upset about it because you want an apology which has never materialised, how would you feel?

Thanks to everyone who has offered helpful advice. Seems very split on who is at fault which reinforces my view that both were being arses.

Ds was rude and was told off. Dh was also rude and needs to quit the sulking. We have had a frank discussion tonight and they alright again now. Also made it clear to dh that I won't tolerate this again, not towards me and certainly not towards my dc. If he starts it again he will be going elsewhere until he sorts himself out.

I'm not a perfect mum or wife. Trying to navigate the teenage years, set boundaries and mediate. It's hard. And I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if it had just stayed as me and my ds. But then I wouldn't have my youngest dc who we both adore or a dh who (although has twattish tendencies) is fundamentally a good person who has brought a lot to our lives.

Family life can be challenging. I'm sure even the preachiest of people on here have had arguments within their families that they're not proud of. We're all just doing our best aren't we. Thanks again to all who commented.

Silent treatment IS a form of abuse.

Does DH treat his boss like this? No, I bet he doesn’t, so it’s clearly deliberate behaviour that’s within his control. He wants to make you/DS suffer so that you learn not to cross him next time.

I could not live like this.

He knows how it makes you feel, and yet continues to do it.

He has now started doing it to your son.

He is not a lovely man, however much you may protest. Does he give people at work the silent treatment when they annoy him? Does he create a horrible atmosphere at his friends houses, in front of his boss maybe? Or is it just to his wife, her son and in the home where his children live?