Dh and silent treatment

[bobslay28]

I would preface this by saying I know MN can be quite dismissive of stepfamilies but I'd ask for this to be treated like a 'normal' family if possible. My dh and I have been together since my ds was 4, he's now 13 so most of his life. We have dc together now too and for the most part ds and dh have always had a brilliant relationship. It's only now he's reached the teenage years we're seeing some issues and I think that's probably standard in most families.

Anyway dh is a lovely man but he is prone to giving the silent treatment whenever he's annoyed. It's the one thing I hate about him. It creates such a bad atmosphere in the house and actually makes me very upset and anxious. I've explained this to him but he can't seem to help himself retreating into a sulk if he feels he's been offended or upset.

Yesterday ds and I were having a chat about school and dh kept interrupting telling us to hurry up and get ready as we had to be somewhere. It was very frustrating especially since every interruption meant the conversation was taking longer to finish. Ds in the end said 'shut up you d*' to him. Now I know this is totally unacceptable and he was immediately pulled up on it. I told him he can't speak to adults like that and reiterated it again to him later in the day too.

But since then dh has flat out blanked him and says he'll continue to do so until he gets an apology. No mention of him apologising for interrupting us though.

They haven't spoken since and this morning I walked in to breakfast to see them walking around each other and not talking. It was fucking pathetic. I think because I hate it so much I am now very annoyed at dh for doing it to my ds. We have plans this weekend as a family and I'm so close to telling them both we'll cancel it all unless they sort it out. But mostly I'm annoyed with dh as he's an adult and my ds is a child.

How can I speak to him/them about this?

It’s abuse. I couldn’t stand it personally.

silent treatment is different from being -temporarily- genuinely too upset to talk and not wanting to blurt out the wrong thing. It is manipulative. All you can do is stay calm and remember his shitty mood is not your responsibility. Go out and do something nice with your son. If you say anything be direct and tell him his sulking is really bringing the mood down. If you put it in direct words it will bring some perspective and take some of the power away from him.

I have tried this. I say something quite direct like 'are you planning on carrying this on because if so please go out of the house as it's bringing the atmosphere down for us all.'

Sometimes it works and he will snap out of it, other times he carries it on and I just try to keep out of his way. I find it deeply unattractive and very childish. And I won't tolerate my children being subjected to it. I had a chat with him after ds had left for school this morning. Basically said if he doesn't snap out of it he can go to a hotel for the weekend and if he's just normal with ds then ds will be normal back and it'll be forgotten.

How old are you other children?

And does he treat them the same?

They are only little and no he doesn't because they are not at an age where they can answer back.,

@bobslay28 good luck with this. I wouldn’t accept this silence and sulking from a child and certainly not from a partner.

have you told him what a turn off it is in a relationship to have someone that sulks. Do you use the phrase sulking? Does he do dramatic huffs or deep sighs and tuts as well?

Take the piss out of the behaviour. “Oh dear it’s sulky pants. Use your words love”. Then ignore. Takes the wind out of their pained martyr mindset to expose it for the pathetic behaviour that it is over the age of about 8.

@bobslay28 "Anyway dh is a lovely man"

No he isn't.

Well actually he is for the most part. And I think I'm more qualified to decide that given that I've been married to him for several years and you are a stranger on the internet.

Look I know this behaviour is shitty hence why I posted. But one aspect of his personality surely doesn't undo all of the good things he does day in day out. No person or relationship is perfect all of the time, most people have quirks and issues with their personality that are not ideal.

That said, I recognise this particular issue is damaging and I'm not excusing it. I'm asking for advice on how to improve things because throwing the marriage and family away seems excessive at this point.

I have taken all of the view points and advice on board but simply popping by to say he's horrible isn't helpful or factual.

He is teaching your children that this is how we behave when things don’t go your way.

@bobslay28 put him in timeout on the naughty step every time.

"Can't seem to help himself retreating into a sulk . . ." Of course he can help it. Does he do it with workmates? Friends? No, he reserves this shitty coercive control for his family. Sulking is always, always about upsetting, controlling, diminishing and punishing others. Watch from the window when he leaves the house ~ there'll be a spring in his step b/c he won't be sulking then: he has no audience! Nobody sulks without an audience - they don't do it in an empty room. And you want him to stop? Fat chance. He does it because he enjoys being such an important personage that he can make his whole family so miserable, with so little effort. He does it because it pleases him to do so.
I'm sorry your husband displays this contemptable behaviour. He really isn't a lovely man at all.

I think you need to say to him that whilst you love him the silent treatment is abusive and has to stop.
That you have put up with it towards you for long enough but will not put up with it aimed at any of the children. If he needs to take himself off to sort himself out - being mindful of the days plans - that's fine but no more silence.

I’m so relieved you’ve told him he needs to absolutely fuck off with this behaviour. I was going to say you announce ‘we need to leave for <weekend plans> at 10. Anyone who is not an absolutely pathetic adult giving a child the silent treatment be at the door then. Dh, I wouldn’t walk down the street with you while you’re behaving like this, you are not coming.’

The silent treatment is also called “stonewalling” or “withdrawal of love” and is really damaging for a child to experience. What it essentially says is that “if you displease me I no longer love you, will no longer even make eye contact with you”. This can set up a child to have really anxious/avoidant attachment styles in their adult life. It’s absolutely toxic and I would be getting your DH to some counselling to learn some appropriate conflict repair methods before he does any more damage to your kids.

Silent treatment is listed as domestic violence OP. It's abuse.

Your bloke abused you and is now abusing your child.

This.

If one of my DSs called their DF a dick they would be in massive trouble.

Im all for children not speaking to adults disrespectfully and I hate hearing how some get away with speaking to their parents, but honestly in this case it sounds like your Son was doing what you should have. You were trying to have a conversation, your Husband was repeatedly rude and you didnt shut it down and he had enough and snapped.

It sounds very similar to women who have their husbands goad and push and then when they snap, they get told they are the issue.

Maybe a conversation needs to be had about why on earth he thought it was reasonable to interrupt multiple times. I wonder what the conversation was about and whether your Husband didnt like the content, or just didnt like the attention was not on him.

I would also point out in clear words, ignoring someone is abusive behaviour and something that will no longer be tolerated in the house. You have impressionable aged children and you do not ever want them to think it is acceptable to engage in abusive behaviours and you therefore will not have it in the home any longer.

I thought the same thing. I don't think it was coincidence or just plain rudeness that he was interrupting.

Cool story.
I'm not minimising his shit behaviour. I can see how and why it's damaging when done deliberately. However I don't think categorising it alongside domestic violence (i.e physical assault) is helpful at all.
'Oh hello officer I'd like to make a complaint about my husband ignoring me.'

It really wasn't that deep.
Ds and I were just discussing the logistics of the day - have you got your pe kit, have you done this. Nothing important at all.
I think dh perceived us to be dilly dallying and wanted to get on with the morning routine. That's it.

Silent treatment is bullying and abusive. You are annoyed by it because you instinctively know it is wrong. This issue is far bigger than your son calling him a dick when he was being a dick.

If this is the only issue, I agree and think this minimises actual abuse. If it’s silent treatment alongside other emotionally abusive behaviours then that’s different but it doesn’t sound as if that’s the case here.
I actually am in your husbands side here. Your son should have been made to apologise immediately. Someone not speaking to you is a direct consequence of you speaking to them like a piece of shit. Maybe he will think twice in future.

The silent treatment is listed as domestic violence. I didn't make the list. Abuse isn't all about being hit.

You can minimise it all you want, but it doesn't make it less true

He was being rude and acting like a dick and your DS called him out on it, expect it to happen more often as your son gets older if your DH continues to be a dick.

Did you tell DH to shut up a minute because you were trying to have a conversation? Perhaps if you had your son wouldn't have stepped in.

The silent treatment is pathetic, shitty behaviour. Nobody should be making you or your children anxious or uncomfortable in your own home. That needs stopping, yesterday.

Both DS and DH need to say sorry to each other (DS for his initial outburst, DH for being rude and then his childish behaviour after).

@gamerchick my actual words were 'I'm not minimising it' and I'm not because I knows it's shit behaviour and I know how it makes me feel. But it is not on par with physical violence, in my view anyway.

Lots of mixed responses and quite frankly I am sick of both ds and dh. It's awful being stuck in the middle and feeling like a constant mediator. However, regardless of how they behave my children will always be my priority. I wish dh would accept ds is still a child and he is a grown adult who should know better.

I also wish ds would see that should his stepdad and I split up over their rows, his life would be nowhere near as rosy as it currently is. If he could try to be a bit more respectful and certainly stop the swearing and boundary pushing it would benefit us all.

The sad thing is there is a lot of love between them, it's just teenage behaviour clashing with stubborn adult behaviour and nobody wanting to back down.