To ask how to come to terms with this financial situation

[Justcaant]

I’m 40 soon and last year separated from a long term partner. I now have our DD all week and he has her EOW. CMS is sorted but the real issue is that I now own a home alone (we rented previously as were saving for a house).

I have a 240k mortgage to pay off. I may never actually pay it off. I feel completely financially stuck. I am constantly worried about my job and bills. I have 1.5k in savings and try and add 100 a month but it’s hard. I never thought at 40 I would be in this situation. My parents are reasonably well off and I was brought up in a way that is now totally different to my daughter and I feel terrible about that too. I keep thinking I will be old and alone and unable to pay bills so end up on the streets. I am waking every day at 3am for some reason and just going over and over this and there is no way out. I wish I had made better financial decisions when younger and now it’s too late to fix it. How do I cope with this and accept where I am? I don’t want this to rub off on our child.

You own a home. That’s so amazing! You should feel proud that you have achieved that as a single parent 😊

You own a home. I'm a single parent and I will never be able to afford to own a home, I'll be renting for life. You're fine.

I don't stress about it, I can't do much. I expect I'll just have to keep working until I drop but I'll deal with that when it comes! I'm more focused on putting money in my pension now.

You need some therapy lovely. Waking up at 3am focusing on a problem is a form of anxiety. It's natural. You've been through an upheaval and have committed to a mortgage you feel is a weight aroind your neck. If you can't mentally realise that you have protected your child by giving her a stable roof over her/his head then see if you can get some counselling to help ease the anxiety.
Do you have a relationship with your parents where you know they would help in an emergency?

It doesn’t feel stable at all though. Most people I know don’t work at 70 and I will be working way beyond that if I pay this off and who knows if I will even be able to do that by then. What happens then? The home would be taken off me, I would have nowhere to live. I certainty won’t have money to help dd when she starts out. All I see ahead is constant struggle.

This is slightly left field but try taking some magnesium.

I m a little older then you and had the 3am waking stressing about work .

Now if I do wake in the night I tend to go toilet then back off to sleep

@Motomum23 they would probably help in an emergency. I just feel sick at the thought that all this is so precarious.

Apart from the obvious selling up and buying a smaller home, I think the rest is a matter of perspective.
I am in my early 40s and I am currently looking on taking on a 240k mortgage. I am not a high earner but earn enough for the bank to be willing to lend it to me. The difference between you and I is that I didn't grow up in a wealthy home. We had no luxuries, we didn't go on holidays abroad, I had no after-school clubs but my home was loving, supportive and I have a very close extended family. My childhood years after my parents' separation were absolutely the best. Not because of money but because of love the house was filled with.
Fast forward to now when I am in a position to make a big financial commitment, I consider myself very lucky to have come this far in life. My mother still rents at 64.

Could you downsize to something smaller/cheaper?
You're in the fortunate position of having an asset, something many hard working folk don't.
It's also not uncommon for us to have a much lower quality of life than our parents (in the 55 to 85 group).

@DieStrassensindimmernass I could downsize slightly but to be honest the houses are not much cheaper. This is only a three bed and has one box room so more a two bed. I can’t leave the area really due to the school as dd is already very settled in

OP, many people are far worse off than you are. Lots of us will be renting for life. You're being way OTT.

Honestly, being in rental is far more precarious.

How are your finances month to month, are you getting by and managing the mortgage payment? The mortgage is huge if you take it in one chunk, but you’d be needing to pay rent if you didn’t have a mortgage and each payment you make brings it down a tiny amount.

It’s hard being the sole earner, and yes there are no doubt thoughts about what you’d do if something happened to your job. So think through a plan, you’re trying to save, which is great. If the worst happened you could take a payment break on your mortgage while you find a new job, and negotiate with utilities etc. Are you working in a sector that tends to be insecure?

You’ll be ok, I’m in a similar position but 10 years older so financially I’m definitely not where I thought I would be but it’s ok.

I don’t understand what you do though if you can’t pay your mortgage or your rent and you are old? What happens to you? Would you be homeless? I can’t see how I will be able to fund everything myself into old age

@Jellycatspyjamas i get through the month just about but there’s no buffer. Last month I only saved 60. It makes no difference to anything. I can manage but the stress is awful and I don’t know how I will cope with this now forever more

People just have to work longer. I know somebody who was working into their 80s. It's not nice but for some it's a necessity.

If your parents are well off, you may inherit at some point? Obviously it's not a guarantee.

By the time you are 70 you will have built enough of an equity and your child will have left home for you to be able to sell and buy a comfortably small flat/house. You are not going to end up with nothing and nowhere to live.
Your daughter will make her own way in life and doesn't need any cash injection to do so. It's nice to have but it is not a must.
Besides, you may also get inheritance.

If you can save and own your own home that is better than many.

So you're 39 and work, so presumably you will improve your salary over time as you're promoted or move jobs.

You will also (hopefully) inherit some money from your parents.

@Beezknees and what if you can’t though? It probably sounds silly but I feel exhausted now as it is. Not sure about inheritance I think it would mostly be taxed so never pay off my mortgage (their home is around 900k).

Hi OP, you are focusing on still having to work and potentially struggling when you are 70 - 30 years from now!

Losing sleep, waking at 3am every night, feeling anxious to this degree about something that may or may not be an issue in 3 decades time is not normal or healthy and it will rub off on your child of you don't address it.

Focus on the here and now, the home and security you are giving you and your child. It's amazing that you own a home but if you are struggling with the repayments of a large mortgage, maybe consider downsizing to something more manageable? If you can't move right now because of schools, maybe you can downsize in 10 years time, who knows. Address what you can fix right now, 30 years is a hell of a long time and you have no idea what will happen between now and then.

Definitely consider talking to someone about your anxiety.

@Catza that’s true I didn’t think about getting a flat. That’s a great option. At the moment I don’t have enough equity even for that though and I’m paying mostly interest so far

i get through the month just about but there’s no buffer. Last month I only saved 60. It makes no difference to anything. I can manage but the stress is awful and I don’t know how I will cope with this now forever more

Yep, I get that. At the moment you’re adjusting to a huge change in circumstances and that can feel overwhelming. Not having a buffer is stressful, but that can change over time. What are your earning prospects like - are there development opportunities or promotion prospects? I’ve found over the last year that as I’ve put myself out there different opportunities have come along that I couldn’t have foreseen, especially given my age. I know it’s hard when you feel overwhelmed but you’ll be in a different place in a year/five years time - you have room to grow and develop your skills and earning capacity.

The issue is your 'reasonably well off' background is what you are setting as default. Your situation is better than most people. I agree about looking at your nutrition and try something like meditation. You will have options at 55 re downsizing etc. You might meet someone else etc. Surely there'll be some inheritance? Just set your DD up to do the best she can. The majority of young people don't have a leg up, just the ability to live rent free and support is enough.

You're catastrophizing and you're not thinking logically.

You are 39 years old. You have decades in which to pay off your mortgage. It sounds like you may well receive an inheritance at some point too.

Worst case, you get to 65, want to retire, still have a mortgage - it will be tiny at that time and your house value will have increased significantly. You just downsize then, using your equity to buy outright.

@Jellycatspyjamas i feel I have hit a wall professionally. I am in an ok career but I can’t see my salary going up much, I am too focused on dd to even think about all that right now too. I don’t have the headspace. I feel trapped on every front.