To ask how to come to terms with this financial situation

[Justcaant]

I’m 40 soon and last year separated from a long term partner. I now have our DD all week and he has her EOW. CMS is sorted but the real issue is that I now own a home alone (we rented previously as were saving for a house).

I have a 240k mortgage to pay off. I may never actually pay it off. I feel completely financially stuck. I am constantly worried about my job and bills. I have 1.5k in savings and try and add 100 a month but it’s hard. I never thought at 40 I would be in this situation. My parents are reasonably well off and I was brought up in a way that is now totally different to my daughter and I feel terrible about that too. I keep thinking I will be old and alone and unable to pay bills so end up on the streets. I am waking every day at 3am for some reason and just going over and over this and there is no way out. I wish I had made better financial decisions when younger and now it’s too late to fix it. How do I cope with this and accept where I am? I don’t want this to rub off on our child.

Talk to a financial planner. They will talk you through the options for retirement. You’re better off than you think!

If you own your house regardless of a mortgage and have savings you are doing a hell of a lot better that most people. My attitude towards things at the moment is you can’t take it with you so spend it while you have it. I’ve told my mom to spend as much as she possibly can as she can cash out one of her investments next year which will take them over the IHT threshold. My Nan was just under it when she died but that was only because we’d spent 150k of her savings on nursing home fees. I refuse to save massive amounts of money because the way I see it the more you have the more you have to pay when you die. I don’t agree with inheritance tax because anything you have you’ve already paid tax on when working so it’s the governments way of screwing you even more when you’re dead. Then again as an ex probate secretary I know how to “avoid” IHT where possible which is sometimes legal depending on how it’s done

You have been through a break up which has changed your life and you are not thinking straight due to the stress of your life change. Life seems a bit rough just now but things can change in a heartbeat. I split from my husband of 20 years in my early forties 10 years ago. We had a nice comfortable life together, nice house in a lovely area, holidays 3 times a year etc, not the best salaries but we had low mortgages from buying sensibly and we didn't have kids. When we split I felt as if my life was slipping away and I'd be miserable forever and probably skint. I did make money from our house sale and previous poverty but not enough to buy anywhere outright. So I was facing starting out again at the age of 42 having been paying a mortgage since I was 22 and only having a few years left to be mortgage free and early retirement had been forecast for 55! Anyhow, I decided to live with family for a while until I was ready to make the right decisions about my future as I wasn't in a great place. Fast forward 10 years, I'm with my new partner, whom I met 7 years ago, who is the absolute love of my life. We used my money as a deposit for a new place together (we bought a flat which we love as didn't want a huge mortgage) and we are so happy. I will still be paying a mortgage until I retire which will probably be 65 now and not 55 but I really don't care. My point is that things may seem bleak at times but life can change so quickly and a lot of times for the better. There is no point in dwelling and if you are still really miserable only you can change it. Downsizing to a 2 bed flat could half your mortgage, retraining for a better salary etc. And you never know, you could meet the love of your life when you least expect it! Also, speak to your parents about it. I'm sure they would want to know how unhappy and overwhelmed you feel right now. You don't need to take financial help from them but emotional support can be more valuable. I'd also take the advice another lady gave you about magnesium to help you rest at night. Waking at 3 in the morning can be a sign of stress/depression or it could be your first Perimenopause symptom (I started with sleep issues at 38). Take care.

Could you let a bedroom? I spent all my childhood in the tiny box room which was called a bedroom. If your child had that room you could let the larger bedroom and save a bit more perhaps.

35 years ago I was in a similar situation, 11 yr old daughter, husband left me and struggling to pay 25k mortgage on my small salary. I met my new partner at work, we relocated when my daughter went to university and bought a lovely home together for cash, so were mortgage free in our mid fifties and now retired and with an inheritance from family we are very comfortable. Life can change, but I do remember really struggling and did things like take foreign exchange students in to earn extra money and short term lodgers from the university where I worked who had just relocated, prior to them finding their own permanent accommodation. I moved into the little box room so that they could have the main bedroom with ensuite and shared the bathroom and wardrobes in 2nd bedroom with my daughter. I only did this for about 3 months of the year, so the rest of the time the house was our own, but it gave a nice little boost to my finances. Good luck, things can change and yes the 3:00am waking is typical of anxiety and lots of others have posted sensible advice on dealing with that.

OP you are feeling panicky and vulnerable because it’s all on your shoulders now instead of shared, but this will pass and you can do it. Try to change your thoughts around this by believing you are a strong capable woman who will make good things happen for you and your daughter. You can actually change your response and perspective and then hopefully your anxiety and insomnia will improve. You need good sleep and health for your job too. I recommend CBT ten sessions free on NHS here. (UK)

Your salary will increase over time with pay rises and extra responsibilities if you can get these but your mortgage will gradually become a smaller proportiinof your salary so di not worry about what will happen in thirty years’ time, it will be different. Also you have no idea what the future holds and can’t know this so it is a waste of your energy to focus on being 70 and working - all sorts of events might affect this. Focus on this next year and making happy times for you both.

Martin Lewis website is fab for how to be a mortgagefreewannabe. Eg you or DD have boxroom and have female lodger in other room or foreign students in summer. Try to think of other small ways to increase income - Vinted, feeding neighbour’s pets when away for small payment, babysitting, ironing, using your professional skills in some extra way eg tutoring.

Holidays - what about doing housesitting? Someone I know gets free holidays by house sitting in different parts of the country so you and DD can still have breaks away with just travel costs.

Good luck.

If you didn’t have a mortgage you’d have to rent somewhere… rent is usually higher than a mortgage and can go up whenever the landlord chooses to. You could also be asked to move out if the landlord wants to sell up. Offers little security and rent will never end.

Mortgage.. you’re 39 and if you have a 25 year mortgage that 64. You’d still need to work another 3 years to get state pension in any case.
Thats 25 years away and so much can happen between now & then.. you might meet someone else? Change job? Anything can happen.
As someone else said, when you get to 55/60 you would have a lot of equity and could downsize then if you wanted to be mortgage free and retire earlier.
Try not to worry you’re doing great and have the stability of your own home, something many don’t have. You can’t worry about what will happen 30 years from now. Try and take the positives and look after yourself.

By the time you get to the point where you feel you can’t work you are likely to have been in your house for 20 years and therefore, assuming you are on a repayment mortgage, the amount you owe will be a lot less and your daughter will be older and working herself so could either help to contribute or she may even have moved out. You would then be in a position to downsize to something smaller and possibly even a flat. Try not to worry. You sound exactly like me! It’s debilitating being so anxious all the time, but you are actually in a very strong position. I wish you all the best.

If you are really worried about getting sick and unable to pay the mortgage what about looking at an insurance policy to fill in gaps if you are sick. I had this as my job only paid statutory sick pay which is like nothing.