To ask how to come to terms with this financial situation

[Justcaant]

I’m 40 soon and last year separated from a long term partner. I now have our DD all week and he has her EOW. CMS is sorted but the real issue is that I now own a home alone (we rented previously as were saving for a house).

I have a 240k mortgage to pay off. I may never actually pay it off. I feel completely financially stuck. I am constantly worried about my job and bills. I have 1.5k in savings and try and add 100 a month but it’s hard. I never thought at 40 I would be in this situation. My parents are reasonably well off and I was brought up in a way that is now totally different to my daughter and I feel terrible about that too. I keep thinking I will be old and alone and unable to pay bills so end up on the streets. I am waking every day at 3am for some reason and just going over and over this and there is no way out. I wish I had made better financial decisions when younger and now it’s too late to fix it. How do I cope with this and accept where I am? I don’t want this to rub off on our child.

See your GP. You are in a bit of a spiral and may need some short term help. Really, you are in the same position as a large percentage of people. Nothing much in life is guaranteed but you are only focussing on the negatives. You are healthy, your daughter is healthy, you have your own home and things will get easier.

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course tax won’t wipe out everything. Is this actually a dig at the government by stealth? Oh poor you, being in a position to worry about inheritance tax.

I’m naturally a pretty empathetic person, but your posts are really tone deaf and have made me cross. Do you know how many people your age who are living in housing insecurity? Or using food banks even though they also work full time. Or will NEVER be a home owner.

The kind me appreciates you’re stressed by your breakup, but if you don’t learn a bit of gratitude you’re going to be very miserable.

Seek some support.

You have a home that you are managing now. You are not obliged to stay there for the rest of your life! You can always downsize or move to a cheaper area when it gets too much. So many people will be renting forever. To buy a house as a single parent is amazing and though it may not feel like it now, you are in an amazing position and will have far fewer worries than people renting when you get to retirement.

I agree with pp. Consider renting one of the three bedrooms out. That would help, financially, a lot. I know someone who has taken in a lovely Japanese girl studying here. She's a delight. It is possible.

https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home

You should get a lodger and save the money from that

Honestly you need to shift your thinking. I’m a single parent and rent. I’m terrible with money, and barely save but I have a good stable job and a pension I pay into. Plenty of people work a bit longer for lots of reasons. You have a lot of positives and I get it’s easy to spiral when it’s suddenly all on you alone - it can be overwhelming but you can’t long term exist stressing about that every day and night. Find a way to cope with it, before it eats you up. You can always down size and move once your child is older and finishes school. Nothing has to be forever.

I added my first reply before I saw this. Inheritance tax doesn't swallow up all your inheritance.

While you can't ever expect to rely on an inheritance, if your parents were able to pass that your (and your sibling's) way, honestly, you will be fine.

Between the two of them, including residential property, they wouldn't pay IHT unless the estate was over £1m and then only on the bit that's over £1m.

So, let's just say they have a £900k house and £200k in bank accounts and other assets. Total = £1,100,000. Tax is 40% on £100,000, so £40,000.

The estate value is then worth £1,060,000, split between you and your sibling, so £530,000 each. You won't then pay any further tax on this.

OP I get you. I was/am in a similar situation (ok without the child to think of so that's a big difference). What I've learned is, with a big upheaval like this, the mind chooses something to focus on and obsess over, and your mind has chosen this. It's a big trauma you have come through. However it's your mind currently tricking you and catastrophising, and you need to find out how to train it. I would suggest CBT rather than counselling. However given that money is "your worry", the cost of that might fill you with more anxiety (I get it). You could try thinking of things you can do on your own - for me, it was yoga, cold showers and when my heart rate goes really nuts and starts interfering with my eating and sleeping, beta blockers can just bring it under control a bit, and that then starts to help re order my thinking. The panic is awful - I get it.

With every month, you are decreasing your debt and improving your long term prospects. You are extremely unlikely to lose your home. If your parents have a home worth £900,000 (plus presumably other assets?), you are also likely to have at least a bit of an inheritance. IHT won't take it all either. Ok you can't count on it, but there's likely to be at least a bit? And presumably, you are paying NI and into a workplace pension. You will be ok.

If you just got a mortgage in the last couple of years then you probably have a high rate currently- when you remortgage payments could go down If interest rates go down in the future. If your savings rate is lower than you mortgage interest your better off putting extra payments on the mortgage instead- putting £100 a month extra on the mortgage can cut up to 13 years off it. As your LVT gets better rates will be better, again less monthly payments.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel- you're panicking right now because you've had so much upheaval in you life. Things will get better- you just have to be financially smart.

But this is now. Your daughter will grow up and leave home having her own place to live and being financially independent.
when that happens. You have 2 options

1. to downsize to a 1 bed or 1 bed with a small spare room for her to stay over . Pay the mortgage off that way
2. that by that time, your salary will have gone up, your outgoings will drop with daughter not being dependent on you, and the mortgage will be affordable with cash to over pay into it.

your loan amount won’t increase now, even though cost of living does, house value will go up over time. The main thing is that you can afford it now. Yes, it is scary owning a house on your own (divorced after 30 years and bought first place on my own, and even without a mortgage I get anxious and fixated on financial issues…). But you are not going to end up homeless, if push comes to shove you may have to downsize, but not right now by sound of it

OP, is this worry more a catastrophing and anxiety response, perhaps in response to the divorce? The brain is pre wired to focus on perceived threats, as opposed to safety and good stuff. People can end up, with prolonged stress and anxiety, with an over sensitised brain that can’t turn the volume down to perceived threats, and over thinks and catastrophises. I’ve been then. Got some excellent therepy to help me understand this. In my case it was a response to complex PTSD, due to my abusive marriage. I still have to actively district myself form over thinking and worrying. Sorry, if I’m completely wide of mark here…but I think worrying about financial security is common even when actually the situation is stable

looking back (I’m 60 now) having young children was the most financially punishing time of my life , even with 2 wages. We nearly lost our home twice, but we didn’t becuase we tlaked to mortgage companies and just about got through. This period with all these financial demands on you will change and stop, you will get to a point when financially life becomes a bit easier.

Hang in there. Try to keep saving. Overpay your monthly payment as much as you can when you can, as this pays off capital, not interest. Just focus on enjoying the home you now have, and your child.

Take a deep breath!

You are WAY overthinking this.

Firstly, your child won't be a child forever. If she's at school that means she's at least 4. In 14 years time when you're 54 she will be potentially sitting A Levels, looking at going to university, or already have an apprenticeship.

Once your daughter is an adult, if she still wishes to remain at home you can charge her rent. Most parents do this because it teaches them about money and is far more affordable than a house share.

You also have 3 bedrooms so you have the option of getting a lodger. If you live in an area that has industry, you can often get lodgers that just stay Monday to Friday. If your daughter moves out, get TWO lodgers! I know lots of people who have lodgers to help with the mortgage. Someone I used to work with lived 200 miles away from work, and drove up here Monday morning, lodged in a family home, then went home on Friday. He could earn SO much more money here than he could at home, and found being a lodger was nicer than a hotel.

There are always options. If you keep worrying about the What Ifs, then you'll drive yourself crazy. Focus on the now and what's important - you have a home and an amazing DC.

OP I get you too - but on much less money! I am in the position you fear, in 20 years time. I'm 60+ I do have some equity coming from marital home, but I will be taking out a mortgage and having to say I'll work till past 70 to repay it. And you know what? People say exactly the same thing to me, 20 years on, that they are saying to you here now, which is a lot of "pull yourself together" crap. I think you are entitled to be worried, but you have time to work through that. Mine is more like a car crash and not so slow, but you are in a place now where you can work things through with a financial adviser and/or counsellor or whatever. You have time, and that is more precious than money. I really wish I'd split with my ex when I was in my 40s with small children, I admire you for doing the right thing.

OP, I really feel for you. Everything is new, not what you planned or would have wanted and the sense of responsibility and risk feel huge.

You really are in the worse throes of it at the moment. Things get easier because:

1. You come to terms with your new relationship situation.
2. You get a financial cushion built up.
3. You start to see the positives of your new situation.

It's natural to focus on the negatives at first, it's how humans are built. Go easy on yourself, get a bit of support with the anxiety but trust in the fact that this too shall pass

OP, I think posters are correct that you are catastrophising and excessively anxious about things that you do not need to be. Please do seek some strategies or support to help with this.

You have secure housing for you and your daughter. You have a mortgage for a 3 bed house. You may need to work into 60s to pay for this - but that would then mean it was paid off with no rent to pay in retirement. You may also be able to pay it off sooner if your financial circumstances improve, you inherit or you are able to downsize when your daughter is an adult.

You seem to have disregarded any potential inheritance - which makes sense not to rely on this if your parents need to use their assets for care needs or if they plan to spend it but it will not all go "in tax". They may be able to help your daughter with a deposit or similar.

You are doing OK. Saving anything is a start. Try to stop fretting.

You could do equity release and continue to
live there. You're 40, you have loads of time.

You’re in the middle of a massive change. You will gradually get used to it as your circumstances become the ‘new normal’. I’m in the same situation as you and gradually I’ve come to terms with not coming to terms with it 😄

OP in the early stages of mortgage repayment is always a bit of a struggle. The mortgage and a rental may be similar in price. Over time rentals go up and your mortgage shouldn't. After another 5 years your wages will go up and you'll find the repayments on the mortgage a bit easier. After 10 years you'll have had more pay rises and you could get a promotion too. You might be able to afford to overpayment on your mortgage. That's what I did. I can remember in the early years there was very little left each month. I had to say no to my DC when they wanted things. Over time things got easier. In the end I repaid the mortgage almost 5 years early. Now with no mortgage things are so much easier. My DC are adults but I've been able to afford to help them out with a car or house deposit. I never thought I'd be able to do that. Over time you'll feel better off. You're building a rainy day fund for emergencies and you have your parents as back up. I think you're doing really well. You should be proud of yourself. You might need to get some counselling to help you see the bigger picture.

Why do you think you'll never pay off your mortgage? Are you on interest only? Because I mean logically, your home will be paid off at the end of term.

Equity release is daylight robbery. She shouldn’t have to do that. She can sell and downsize but it’s pretty unlikely that the bank will have given her a term that takes her beyond retirement age anyway. I was offered that but I have a very good pension scheme with a 6 figure lump sum and sufficient income to pay a mortgage even after retirement. If I was going to be relying on the state pension the bank wouldn’t have agreed to that. Currently my term ends when I am 68 which is my projected retirement age although I know it will probably be later by the time I get there.

Currently if over state pension age you would claim help with housing costs.

Op you are way overthinking this. Being on your own and taking on a mortgage is fine. By the time you are 60 the amount you are paying for your mortgage will be relatively smaller. You are having a loss of confidence, be strong 💪.

The only advice I can give is to do something for your anxiety. I listen to meditations from the Mindful movement in youtube; some positive and yoga may help you get through this. Also magnesium chelated can help with anxiety

I appreciate is a difficult situation but the negative and stress won’t help. One day at a time.

I understand where you’re coming from. I also became suddenly single a few years ago, and the realisation that it is all on you is hard.

I love it now though and am very proud of my financial independence.

My top tip is to get a monzo account and set up ‘pots’ for everything. When I get paid, my money goes off into ‘groceries’, ‘bills’, ‘uniforms’, ‘gifts’, ‘haircuts’, ‘car’, etc. Some of them (e.g. uniforms) just get £10 a month put in, but that means I don’t suddenly have to find cash in August.

If you have a spare room, I’d also seriously consider a (carefully chosen!)
lodger, and just plough that income into savings. I’ll definitely do this when my (now hulking teenaged) DSes move out.

You are amazing, in a year you have sorted your finances enough to buy a home for you and your daughter, that is an amazing achievement. The mortgage always feels tough for the first couple of years, and when you read the statements it doesn’t seem as though you are making any inroads into paying it off, but you are, and bit by bit it happens.

And in the meantime you have a secure roof over your head, no more anxiety about a rented place where the landlord can sell up under you at any time. If things get financially tough later on you can rent out a room to a lodger, or downsize, you have so many more options when you own your property.

I agree its a shame when you can't give your child everything you had or more, however you are in a great position and no need to feel guilty if your parents were well off.