How long wait for an 'I love you'

[DutchPanda]

I told my partner of 9 months that I love him. The tumbleweed rolled for a bit, and then he admitted he doesn't love me yet and doesn't know if he ever will. Ouch

I give him kudos for being honest but am very hurt. I said that I'd wait a bit but not forever to see if feelings might develop.

We are both middle-aged and dating post divorce, so I understand caution and taking things slow. We see each other (exclusively) about once week but he's not introduced me to friends / family yet.

Reality check request please - should I move on? Would just value an outside perspective.

Sorry op....but yeh, hes just not that into you.

Hummm well (from another middle aged person .55) I think 9 months in, is long enough to know if you have feelings for someone or not, I wouldn't want to stay with someone after 9 months if they didn't feel they loved me & we had a future together.

Do you live a distance apart? I wouldn't want to be only seeing them once a week either.

not having me any friends/family.

sounds more like a weekly convenient shag thing, for him,

SORRY.

Sorry OP I think it is time to move on. No introduction to his circle and might never love you. As you said, at least he has been honest now.

It's great that he's been honest with you.

But if he hasn't fallen in love after 9 months, I really don't think it's going to happen.

I think if he hasn't fallen for you after 9 months then it's unlikely to happen. You're not on the same page. Better to cut your losses now than waste any more time IMO. Sorry, OP it must have been upsetting to say the words and not hear it back.

Don't want to be hurtful, but after 9 months, he would know his feelings. That you have not met the important people in his life indicates you are regular sex, but not a partner.

You're right. It's just shitty...thanks for the responses. 😘

Move on! Don’t settle.

My DH didn't say 'I love you' for 2 years. (!). We didn't get married for another 5.

But...we've been very happily married for over 20 years, and he tells me every day he loves me.

Sometimes a slow burn is okay!

Do His actions show that he loves you or is it ‘he’s just not that into you’

Nope, you are done here. Sod him. And definitely no more 'I love you's until you have met at least some of the next guys friends and family.

I don't know @DutchPanda. I think things must be different in middle age and post divorce. I am sure it's very complicated. Also you haven't said what sort of relationship you have been having. Friends or lovers?

That sucks, OP. Sorry to hear that. How’s the relationship in general? When you say he hasn’t introduced you to family or friends yet, has he ever mentioned plans to? He was very honest but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. Hope you’re okay my luv x

100% this. Sorry OP

Some people just aren’t comfortable with admitting that they love someone out loud due to past experiences. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t, just that he may not realise it or be willing to admit it. I know because I’ve been there myself 🤣 Does he show care for you in other ways? Does it feel like there’s something special there? I think really only you know, and if you don’t feel like he cares you should probably speak to him about calling it a day so both of you can find what you deserve and see how he responds to that suggestion.

I would expect a little more than one meet up per week after nine months. It could be that only seeing you for such a limited time is what’s holding him back from developing feelings.

I would be questioning if it was a relationship at all depending on the quality of the time you have together and any reasons as to why it is not more frequent.

I'm always more wary of people who say "love you" too quickly so I would be more concerned if someone expressed it in too quickly.

Having said that , I think 9 months is enough time to know how you feel about someone. I first said the words after about 5 months but my partner didn't say it back at the time, he said it after 8 months but chose to say it on my birthday so it was special, he admitted he felt it before, but wanted to make the moment special.

I can understand post divorce how someone would be more cautious and want to take their time, but only you know what you are prepared to accept.

I would say what does his behaviour say … some people get hung up on the words … Does he show you he cares ?

Does he want to see you more ? Because once a week seems a habit that fills a night

I wouldn't let it go past 3-4 months, without some conversation around emotions as by then assuming both parties have spent a lot of time together, you should know how you feel. At 9 months I'd respect the honesty by letting him go and find someone he can fall in love with and let you free to do the same.

Sorry OP, that must have been upsetting. Don't spend another 9 months waiting.

I was such a commitment-phobe that when DP first said "I love you" to me I literally made a panicked "NNNGH" sound and ran out of the room. And even I said it back to him before nine months!

Good for him for his honesty, but I do think it might be good to call time on this.

My partner told me he loved me after three months.

I think even if it had been nine months and he said along tne lines of “I don’t think I’m fully feeling in love yet but things are going so well and I really do see my feelings developing soon, especially if we start seeing a bit more of each other.” I could just about cope with that. But for him to say he doesn’t ever think he can see himself in love with you... as rough as it may be I think it’s time to say goodbye for good. Find someone who wants you and wants love and all those feelings. Also someone who you can see more than once a week.

Good luck!

Take care and give yourself a treat. Take some time out and spoil yourself

Free yourself to find someone else who falls head over heels for you. There’s nothing better than seeing someone where the love is mutual and you can’t wait to see each other again.