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Original poster

How long wait for an 'I love you'

66 replies

DutchPanda · 19/11/2024 21:12

I told my partner of 9 months that I love him. The tumbleweed rolled for a bit, and then he admitted he doesn't love me yet and doesn't know if he ever will. Ouch

I give him kudos for being honest but am very hurt. I said that I'd wait a bit but not forever to see if feelings might develop.

We are both middle-aged and dating post divorce, so I understand caution and taking things slow. We see each other (exclusively) about once week but he's not introduced me to friends / family yet.

Reality check request please - should I move on? Would just value an outside perspective.

OP posts:
Mummyexpat · 19/11/2024 22:01

Ah OP, hope you’re okay lovely. 💐 And I hope you find someone worthy of you. Yes, good for him for being honest but really, should’ve been honest six months ago…

MidnightMeltdown · 19/11/2024 22:04

Hmmm, tricky one. I'm not someone who falls in love quickly. Unless you knew each other before dating, it can take a good few months to decide whether or not you even really like someone imo, let alone love them. What you see in the first few months of a relationship isn't truly authentic, it's someone putting on the 'best version' of themselves.

However, by 9 months he should be reaching the point where he's certain about whether or not he sees a future together. The trouble is, while women tend to leave at this point if they aren't happy with their partner, men will often string a woman along until he finds someone that he really likes. Then he'll be off.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/11/2024 22:05

Walk away now. Unless you are happy to just have a casual set up

Noseybookworm · 19/11/2024 22:07

I think a few months is fine, 9 months and he's still not sure would definitely give me pause for thought. You only see each other once a week and you haven't met his family and friends - it doesn't sound like he's integrating you into his life in any real way. Have past experiences made him ultra-cautious? I'd be worried that I'm wasting my time with him to be honest 😕

Sofaroller · 19/11/2024 22:08

What even is love?

What does it mean to you op? Just having 'big feelings'? Means you'll... Do what exactly for him?

What does it mean to him? Something different to you?

Have a grown up conversation. It doesn't mean the same thing to everyone and some can't articulate it at all.

I'd go by actions and how he makes you feel over words that are so often thrown out with no thought behind them.

LightSpeeds · 19/11/2024 22:08

Yeah, sorry. It sounds like it's quite casual to him... and he doesn't think it's headed anywhere, most likely...

Marine30 · 19/11/2024 22:09

Blimey - that is a bit of an ouch moment. I would say 6 weeks to 3 months to get that in love feeling. Much longer and you’re just mates. Sorry OP.

LostittoBostik · 19/11/2024 22:10

JinoPino · 19/11/2024 21:24

My DH didn't say 'I love you' for 2 years. (!). We didn't get married for another 5.

But...we've been very happily married for over 20 years, and he tells me every day he loves me.

Sometimes a slow burn is okay!

Yeah but if you're already in your fifties....?!

newhousenewhouse · 19/11/2024 22:16

I've just split up with someone after 2.5 years. Both in our 50's hadn't said he loved me. Life is too short!

PJsandbiscuits · 19/11/2024 22:21

That would have hurt OP, I’m so sorry. Especially after you shared your own feelings.

I think you need to accept what he has told you. That he can’t see himself falling in love with you. Don’t make excuses for him or look at what-ifs or hope he may change. He’s told you. And the fact that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family yet reinforces that he is not sure.

You deserve better than a lukewarm relationship. You’ll only find a loving partner if you make space for one in your life and you can’t do that if you continue to be with this man. Prioritise yourself and let him go.

Original poster
DutchPanda · 19/11/2024 22:23

Thanks for all the kind responses. I'm going to talk with him again but expect we'll call it a day.

@newhousenewhouse sorry hun - hope you're ok and move on to happier things.

OP posts:
Loxiro · 19/11/2024 22:31

That’s rough Op, but sounds like a wise decision. At least he was honest though instead of stringing you along.

For people saying the words don’t matter I think they do matter. Of course it has to be backed by action too and for the person to mean it, but as an adult no way am I going to tolerate being with a man who tells me he can’t say he loves me. Irrespective of how well he treats me it’s not something I could ignore.

Marine30 · 19/11/2024 22:39

Sorry to hear this but hopefully you’ll meet someone new and you will get a much more affirmative (and quicker) response when you next say the words. Good luck.

Dazedandconfused10 · 19/11/2024 22:39

I've been with my partner for 2 years. We've not said it. I know he does.

I was married before and the man who told me loved me didn't show it. (Multiple affairs- justifications of you can love more than one person)

The relationship I have now feels very different, he doesn't have to tell me, I know he does. He's said he doesn't fall in love easily and I think he doesn't articulate it but I'm content that I know he does.

If it really means something to you then have that discussion. For me, I realised saying it didn't matter, actions do.

FloofyKat · 19/11/2024 22:44

I can understand him being unsure on the love thing but not introducing you to his friends after nine months? That in itself would make me pause for a really serious long thought!

Original poster
DutchPanda · 19/11/2024 22:51

Dazedandconfused10 · 19/11/2024 22:39

I've been with my partner for 2 years. We've not said it. I know he does.

I was married before and the man who told me loved me didn't show it. (Multiple affairs- justifications of you can love more than one person)

The relationship I have now feels very different, he doesn't have to tell me, I know he does. He's said he doesn't fall in love easily and I think he doesn't articulate it but I'm content that I know he does.

If it really means something to you then have that discussion. For me, I realised saying it didn't matter, actions do.

Actions speak louder than words - you are right and thanks for sharing that side of it. In my case, I don't think he's acting like someone who is really serious about a future with me, although I try to convince myself otherwise. Appreciate that doesn't apply with you in the same way.

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 19/11/2024 23:16

FloofyKat · 19/11/2024 22:44

I can understand him being unsure on the love thing but not introducing you to his friends after nine months? That in itself would make me pause for a really serious long thought!

Yeah I agree with this. I don't think that DP told me that he loved me in the first year, but he introduced me to his parents after 6 months, so I knew then that he was serious. He also used to say lots of other things (that I was beautiful, that he felt so lucky to be with me etc).

You should be able to tell if man is into you without him needing to say those specific words.

winter8090 · 20/11/2024 06:02

I think actions are what's important here.

Is he consistent? Do you talk every day? Does he always do what he says he will? Does he make effort on birthdays and Christmas? Does he make effort to see you and be keen to meet every weekend? How does he talk about the future?

I think if his actions were ok, then I'd give it some time.

Zanatdy · 20/11/2024 06:06

I’d be gone. 9 months is plenty of time to know, and if he doesn’t feel it now, he never will.

Olika · 20/11/2024 06:09

I don't think he's acting like someone who is really serious about a future with me, although I try to convince myself otherwise.

You say it yourself: you can tell he is not serious about you two.

Lostsadandconfused · 20/11/2024 06:18

RosesAndHellebores · 19/11/2024 21:25

I don't know @DutchPanda. I think things must be different in middle age and post divorce. I am sure it's very complicated. Also you haven't said what sort of relationship you have been having. Friends or lovers?

I more or less agree with this. I’m over 12 months past the end of my long term marriage. I’m happily in a relationship. But I do question whether I’m capable of experiencing the intensity of the feelings I felt for my ex DH ever again. And feeling the overwhelming romantic ‘in love’.

I really care for my new boyfriend of 8 months and we have a great time together, but it’s different.

MayaPinion · 20/11/2024 06:25

If he doesn’t know after 9 months he does know. He just doesn’t want to say it out loud. How does he treat you? Does he behave like he loves you? Does he cherish and care for you? Is he proud to be seen in your company? Does he take an interest in your day, your interests, your thoughts and feelings? If not, don’t waste another minute on him.

Loxiro · 20/11/2024 11:00

then he admitted he doesn't love me yet and doesn't know if he ever will. Ouch

OPs partner didn’t say he doesn’t know how he feels right now, he clearly stated he does NOT love her and doesn’t know if he ever will in the future.

I think we need to believe what men tell us
sometimes. Some men act really committed and can be super sweet and affectionate and then say they don’t want anything too serious or commitment , and so many women make the mistake of focusing solely on their actions and ignoring what they are clearly being told.

I always say in those instances -. listen to their words (as well as actions) The same applies here.

cheezncrackers · 20/11/2024 11:04

he admitted he doesn't love me yet and doesn't know if he ever will

Blimey! Well that's you told OP. I wouldn't have much hope tbh. It sounds like he's not that into you. IME feelings either develop quickly (like within about 3 months or so) or they don't develop at all. If I were you, I wouldn't be expecting this to be a LT relationship.

lollypopsforme · 20/11/2024 11:37

I love a lot of people but im not in love with them.
9 months is still a short time dont need to rush things enjoy what you have for now.
Or move on but for me if someone starts with the whole i love you stuff early on i get the ick like i have to say it back and i dont feel the same about them although i love them just not in love yet if that makes any sense (its a me problem).