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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it selfish to spend Christmas Day at home?

98 replies

Tallzaragirl · 19/11/2024 20:13

This isn't a wwyd as I'm not looking to change my mind, but I'm interested in opinions on this,

Is it selfish to simply spend every Christmas at home in your own house? We do this, I mentioned it to a friend and she was shocked and actually said "omg that is so selfish".

Our situation is that there is myself, dh and two children.

My parents live nearby but aren't fussed and don't really make much of Christmas.

In laws live a 30 minute drive away, mil loves Christmas, fil hates it. We have spent the day with them in the past but haven't enjoyed it for various reasons. Not being able to have a drink, kids getting bored, kids wanting to stay home in their pyjamas and play, fil being miserable and obnoxious. In laws inviting various other people without telling us.

We decided that we were going to stay at home and that people are free to stop by if they choose.

We are happy with this, it's one of the only days of the year where we get to really relax as we are constantly on the go.

OP posts:

DogInATent · 20/11/2024 10:03

Not selfish at all, we've done this for years.

I spoke to DM about it once, and her view was that with hindsight she wished we'd done that as a family more often. It's a miserable time of year for travelling. The pressure of either hosting or being a guest gets in the way of relaxing at a time of year when everyone needs a recharge. The pressure of taking us around the grandparents over the holidays got in the way of what should have been family time. We didn't live close to either set of grandparents growing up, and we don't live close to either of our parents now. Travel becomes a drag in bad weather, with short days, and when everyone else is jamming up the roads, trains, and planes.

ItGhoul · 20/11/2024 10:04

Your friend is really fucking weird if she thinks it's 'selfish' - or even unusual - to celebrate Christmas Day at home with your immediate family. It might be 'selfish' if you were leaving someone you loved at home alone with no chance of seeing anyone, but just spending Christmas at home with your partner/kids, while other family members do different things, isn't selfish in the least.

buffyspikefaithangel · 20/11/2024 10:06

I'm home alone which everyone seems more upset by than me
I've got Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and stuff to do before I go back to work on the 27th!

Wendolino · 20/11/2024 10:53

@Neverlikedwatermuch I agree about people descending on you. When DB and I were children, both sets of grandparents and DMs bone idle sister and her monster DC used to come round every Christmas afternoon and stay till late. Much of Christmas day was trying to hide our new toys and selection boxes away from horrible cousins who would "accidentally" break our toys and "get mixed up " and eat our chocolate. Meanwhile mum and dad were run ragged feeding everyone

SadSandwich · 20/11/2024 11:13

We had a number of times where we did all the schlepping at Christmas with small kids, car filled up, terrible traffic and then just didn’t enjoy ourselves when we got there. The kids got bored after awhile, one year it was so cold in the makeshift room we all had to sleep in and when we came home we were all tired and grumpy. So we stopped and never looked back.

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 11:16

My boys are 26 & 23 now and we have spent every single Christmas since they were born just at home with the 4 of us. People are welcome to join us but rarely have and we wouldn't have it any other way.

nearlyfreefromnappies · 20/11/2024 18:12

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 11:16

How would you like them to spend Christmas when they have families? And are you content with the example you've set them?

LeavesTrees · 20/11/2024 18:22

We have done the same for years.
I don’t think it’s selfish, how can it be when you aren’t putting anyone out?
I think people should be free to celebrate how they like.
I would be horrified if my children grew up and invited me out of obligation or guilt. If my children wanted to spend it with me, great. But if they didn’t, as their mum I’d want them to do what made them happy.
People shouldn’t put expectations on others to entertain them just because it’s Christmas Day. IMO that is what is selfish.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/11/2024 18:48

Surely your friend is the selfish one switching between two families as a guest.... does she ever host back?

Createausername1970 · 20/11/2024 18:54

I had a couple of Christmas holidays spent predominantly on the M25 between various relatives when DS was young. But we decided after a couple that we weren't going to do that again, it's not much fun for him or us.

So we have spent about 15 Christmas days mainly at home. We invite family who live close by to come and join us, but it's up to them if they do or don't.

ethelredonagoodday · 20/11/2024 19:00

We do this. we used to travel between parents, but once the children were born we decided we wanted to be at home. We have a standing, open invitation to both sets of parents, and our siblings, but in reality it's generally just mine that come as they're nearer, and DHs Dad doesn't particularly travel and has two of DHs brothers and their families within a couple of miles.

Works for us.

Original poster

Tallzaragirl · 20/11/2024 19:36

As for the question of how I would feel when my children grow up.

I'm sure that I will miss them very much, but I think I would sooner they be happy and have chance to relax and do things their own way. Rather than trying to impose my preferences onto them.

OP posts:

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 19:53

How would you like them to spend Christmas when they have families? And are you content with the example you've set them?

Of course, why wouldn't I be? I don't have any expectations of my adult children. If they want to come to me we will welcome them and their families, if they don't that's fine too.

I want my children to come home when they want to, not because it's expected of them. I'm perfectly capable of organising my own Christmas either alone or with friends.

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 19:58

Meant to add that neither of them will be here this Christmas they are travelling to Australia for a month instead.

Tradersinsnow · 21/11/2024 02:58

We used to go to my parents for Xmas but they feel too old to host now. My sister has gone NC with me so we are no longer forced to be polite and go and listen to my BIL and nephew blather about the glories of Trump. Suits me fine.

I'm not sure my daughter will come to us for dinner this year, she is ASD and finds even a lowkey Xmas difficult. Her brother on the other hand adores Xmas so we do a tree for him (and this year for a new cat who is going to adore the tree) and presents and a dinner. I'm not fussed for myself.

Switchingitup · 21/11/2024 03:28

Is it selfish? Yes, you are putting yourself and your family first and doing what you want to do for Xmas.

Having said that, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being selfish at times. You aren’t doing it maliciously or with the aim to hurt anyone else. You only get one life, why shouldn’t you and your family spend Xmas how you choose?

OhNotNow · 21/11/2024 04:37

I've always spent Christmas in my own home. I've never invited anyone either, nor will I.
My kids are married with kids of their own, I wouldn't expect or want to spend Christmas day at theirs, nor them at mine.

Powderblue1 · 21/11/2024 06:12

Nope, we've spent Xmas at home since Covid after years of hosting large family get togethers or travelling 2 hours to family.

We loved the forced Christmas at home just us so kept it up.

We have a big family get together on Boxing Day instead and see all family together then and it's lovely. 🥰

MinnieMountain · 21/11/2024 06:17

A bonus of going NC with my father is we no longer have to travel to the other side of the country every other Christmas.

We’ve got PILs who live 10 minutes walk away coming to us. I doubt our 11yo will leave the house 😁

PortiasBiscuit · 21/11/2024 06:19

What’s wrong with being selfish for one day a year anyway?

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 21/11/2024 07:16

Ex Husband and I completed on our first flat just before Christmas and I was thrilled - more concerned about getting washing machine plumbed in than anything else! However, we had told ex MIL that fingers crossed, we'd be moving just before Christmas and wanted to spend first one in our new home. She must have called 20 times on the day itself - crying - plus before and after. Her favourite son was at home plus all other family in same village so it was a bit hysterical! First Christmas at hers I was confused; your immediate family live in the same village (walking distance) - why don't you all get together? His grandfather thanked me because he knew I was responsible for the invite with tears in his eyes - absolutely ridiculous. Yet she made huge palaver that we wanted to spend first Christmas at first home hundreds of miles away when she had own parents on doorstep plus siblings!

Spirallingdownwards · 21/11/2024 07:18

What your friend really means is "sounds idyllic and why am I stuck having to go to the ILS again when I don't really want to!"

GreyCarpet · 21/11/2024 07:30

OP, what your friend means is that she would love to do this but external pressures and expectations of her own family mean that she is unable to do so.

She justifies it to herself by telling herself that it's just what women do; women put others before themselves; it's a struggle for women; women's needs get pushed back behind the wants of others.

You don't do that and so you are 'womaning' wrong. Womaning wrong is selfish because it doesn't prioritise others.

Therefore, it's selfish.

I've spent Christmas at home for the past 24 years.

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