To think DH should respect that I don't want to talk about this?

[londonlass87]

DH and I lost a baby around a year ago. It was a very hard and dark time and honestly I think I probably have a bit of PTSD from the whole thing. I have been to counselling.

DH shares a daughter with his ex. His ex has just around a month ago had a baby with her partner. Me and DH do share a child too who is 4.

Anyway DSD is obviously very delighted with new baby at mums. She is 12. She is always sending DH pics of baby, absolutely fine of course.

Except DH always insists on showing me, or talking about all these things DSD is telling him about her new sibling and I just am not interested. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend my evenings talking about the baby. If DSD brings baby up when here then I nod and smile for her sake but I've told DH to stop talking to me about it when she isn't here. I don't want to know.

Aibu? He says he likes talking about it because it's a sibling his dd has that he doesn't really know so bit of a weird situation for him that he likes to talk about sometimes but should he respect the fact I don't want to talk about it?

The new baby is OP's DH's ExDW's baby. How on earth is that OP's family?!? If her DH wasn't behaving in this way there's every chance OP would never cross paths with the new baby during OP's whole life.

It's important not to dismiss or disregard the way OP feels about this, and that she has communicated to her DH her boundary on this.

Counselling sounds like the only option for you both, as he's clearly not listening to what you are saying and taking your feelings into account, and resentment (which is a disaster in a relationship) is already building.

I think there are two separate things here. I agree sooner or later it's going to be necessary for OP and her DH to be able to talk about what's happened. However, at the risk of sounding like a broken record I do think the ex bringing the baby into the house, especially this early on, is unnecessary and almost like she's rubbing it in tbh, although I accept that's an extrapolation and may be an inaccurate one.

@londonlass87 took me 2 years before I could look at babies, clothes, prams etc again. At first, it was a stabbing pain then an ache in my heart and then eventually just numbness.

Take the time you need but communicate as well. Tell him you are happy he is so excited and that DSD has a new sibling but you are still mourning your own loss and part of that is to give your heart space away from triggers like being in close proximity to babies.

If he doesn't know how this is hurting you, he can't try to understand.

Let him know you just aren't in a place where you can be around babies without it being painful or a full on reminder of your own loss just yet.

Why do they need to talk about it?

The person he needs to talk to about it is his daughter, not the OP (and she is responding to DSD so she's being kind)

@Nanny0gg maybe it is his way of coping. Maybe, he has latched onto this baby to help with the loss of his own. If he hasn’t had therapy I would probably recommend it

Yes I was thinking very much the same.

@londonlass87 we all grieve differently and I'm wondering if you and your DH had the time and space to talk through your feelings when your baby died or if you/he or both of you couldn't talk to each other. Did you feel that you couldn't talk about your loss and didn't want to discuss it, at the time either?

Mother's who lose babies/children get huge amounts of support and sympathy from family and friends. Bereaved Fathers? Not so much. Often, males put on a brave face, because they are supposed to be the strong ones and therefore lots of people think they are coping well, when they often are doing anything but.

Could it be that this is your DH 's way of reacting to both of your loss? Of course as it upsets you, then there needs to be a heart felt discussion about it - but is it worth considering if this is what he is doing and taking that account when having the conversation again?

Marriages sometimes fall apart in these circumstances, because the partners in the marriage grieve so differently that one or both think the other doesn't care??

I am so very sorry for your loss and I hope you can both work through this together.

He is grieving and still coming to terms with losing his baby too. This might be his way and it should be considered rather than it automatically make him the bad guy.

I am so sorry for your loss. He is being insensitive, I don’t think he needs to be as involved as he is. He needs to prioritise your feelings here. It is still early days in your healing. Take care OP 💐

This is a brilliant post. His behaviour could well be linked to unresolved grief. However he still needs to be more considerate of your feelings. This is such a hard thing to navigate. I hope you can both get the support you need.

Sound like u need some counselling, visit Gap to see wots available.

You can't latch onto your EX's baby with another man, it's inappropriate.

She has asked him not to keep showing her pictures & talking about the baby, it would be bad enough it was a family member or friend, but his EX's baby.

i don't think it's grief driven, but even if it is, it won't help his grief and is hurting the OP! Whatever reason he's doing it for, he needs to stop! If he wants to talk about his EX's new baby he needs to find someone else to listen. Preferably someone who will explain it's inappropriate.

It’s obviously grief driven to me. It’s just that men are magically expected to get over losing their child whereas women are given much more leeway.

They both need to talk and consider each others feelings and how each other are coping with the loss of their baby.

His partner lost a baby. The way for him to feel supported is NOT for him to rave about another new baby and show the op pictures:

So sorry for your loss OP. This seems beyond insensitive to me and to the point of unkindness from your DH. YANBU at all to not want to have baby pics shoved under your nose every day.

Fwiw, I also have a 12 yo DC with exH and a younger DC with DP. I definitely don't need ex's GF to have any relationship with my younger DC. I don't think she has even met her. It doesn't impact the 12 yo in anyway. The idea you need to coo over this new baby (beyond engaging to a certain level with DSD) is crazy to me.

I am very sorry 4 your loss OP. This situation emphasises that you are in the throes of grief and your H and SD talking about new baby and showing photos brings the pain to the surface. I have said YABU but I really mean that it is because your emotions are raw (understandably so). Please take care

@londonlass87 💐Sorry for your loss. Your feelings are very normal and your husband should understand and respect your feelings. Pp have pointed out that your husband is grieving too. Which is all the more reason why he should be able to empathise with you and respect that you just can’t cope with looking at photos of babies right now. He is being insensitive and dismissive of your feelings. His grief is not an excuse for that. If looking at these photos of his daughter’s new baby sibling helps him, that’s fine. He can look at those photos. But he doesn’t need to continue to show you the pictures and ignore, disregard how it affects you. And you are not obligated to neglect your own self care. Take care of yourself. 🌷

Your H is insensitive to the point where it seems like he’s being actively cruel. 😲

Nope, sorry, completely disagree. DCs half sibling has nothing to do with me and is not part of my extended family. They are not in anyway a big deal in my life. If my DC wants to discuss them, fine, but they don't and I am perfectly happy about that.

Yep, I'm with you, totally strange. And the fact the ex was never invited in previously makes it even more batshit. This baby has nothing to do with OP and her DH is an insensitive arsehole.

Irrespective of whether it's grief driven or not (let's just agree to disagree) he needs to stop. What he is doing is inappropriate & hurting the OP. He can't heal (if this is grief driven, which I don't agree it is) by further hurting the OP.

i agree with your last paragraph, but he needs to stop this behaviour first.

@AmberAlert86 clearly you haven't read other people's posts

Totally agree.