To think DH should respect that I don't want to talk about this?

[londonlass87]

DH and I lost a baby around a year ago. It was a very hard and dark time and honestly I think I probably have a bit of PTSD from the whole thing. I have been to counselling.

DH shares a daughter with his ex. His ex has just around a month ago had a baby with her partner. Me and DH do share a child too who is 4.

Anyway DSD is obviously very delighted with new baby at mums. She is 12. She is always sending DH pics of baby, absolutely fine of course.

Except DH always insists on showing me, or talking about all these things DSD is telling him about her new sibling and I just am not interested. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend my evenings talking about the baby. If DSD brings baby up when here then I nod and smile for her sake but I've told DH to stop talking to me about it when she isn't here. I don't want to know.

Aibu? He says he likes talking about it because it's a sibling his dd has that he doesn't really know so bit of a weird situation for him that he likes to talk about sometimes but should he respect the fact I don't want to talk about it?

I agree, I find it weird that he is so invested in his ex's baby with her new partner.

Yeah I get the baby is now part of his daughter's life but his reaction is very weird, sharing pictures daily and insisting on showing them to OP is ridiculous.

I imagine you do have ptsd. Just leave the room when he brings it up or invites the ex inside. You don't have to make tea for them!! Step daughter is old enough to understand the situation, you don't have to pander to her feelings.

I think your DH is being insensitive if he’s bringing it up casually a lot. But the inviting his ex in because she has his DSD’s sibling with her, and wanting to get to grips with his DD’s newly enlarged family are big issues for him too and he shouldn’t be pretending the new baby just doesn’t exist.

Losing a baby is heartbreaking. But it’s not good for you, nor fair to others, to project your feelings about your loss onto the existence of other children. There are always going to be babies around, always going to be children who are around the same age yours would have been. And this one baby is important to people in your life.

I am so sorry for both of your loss. I cannot begin to fathom the depth of your grief and I’m so sorry that you are facing this as well. It must be very, very difficult for you. X

He's behaving very cruelly to you. There's no need to show you photos and expect a discussion. Let alone bringing the baby into the house!

Agreed! Is he going to expect this new baby to come and visit with it's sister too? Just because his child has a new sibling, it doesn't actually make it a part of HIS family, and I think he's being ridiculous and hurtful toward the OP.

So sorry for your loss OP, I do think that some men really don't get the loss of a baby in the same way that it's mother does. Sending you a hug

How weird, people referring to the ex's new baby as a new addition to the family. No it is not. That baby is a new addition to ex's family. It is the child of ex and her partner. I bet her partner doesn't see his baby as part of OP's husbands family.

By all means, smile and nod at DSD but the husband's interest is way out of bounds. He should also be just smiling and nodding at his 12 year old daughter.

But there is no reason for DSD's half sibling to be part of OP's life at all. This baby isn't related to her own child. They are not half siblings or even step siblings.

DSD's mum didn't used to come into the house when picking up DSD before she had the baby. There is no reason for her to do this now she has the baby, particularly if this is upsetting OP.

I think the fact that your DH lost a baby and a new baby came into his daughter’s family have somehow become connected in his psyche.

Could it be possible that he is compensating for the loss of your child with his DD’s new half sibling and in his grief, he has gone overboard with his enthusiasm? As if the more he makes a fuss over that new baby, the more his feelings of loss for his own baby will diminish. Or maybe he is trying to help his DD with her grief in the same way.

I am really sorry for your loss OP and I know that no other child will ever compensate for the loss of your own so I apologise if my remarks are insensitive or hurtful.

I do think that the way your husband is manifesting his grief is rather cruel to you, though I doubt he intends it to come across that way. But as others have said, grieving over the loss of a baby can cause a whole host of behaviours, so there is a lot to unravel in this unusual situation.

I presume that by 'it' OP means the situation. Anyway, well done for chastising a grieving woman who has recently lost a baby.

DSD's mum's baby isn't part of OP's extended family. This baby isn't OP's child's half sibling or even step-sibling so she doesn't have to have a relationship with this baby. DSD spends time with her half sibling at her mum's house so apart from probably wanting to introduce her new brother or sister to her dad, which she has done, there is no reason for DSD's mum and baby to come into OP's house. What her husband is doing is weird and insensitive.

It's completely reasonable of you to not want your dh to keep bringing up the conversation. I would be firm and tell him to stop.

But continue to support your dsd excitement. That's enough.

Are you trying again OP to fall pregnant? I’m wondering if this is a weird man way of telling you he wants another baby and trying to get you “broody” if that makes sense?

But the baby isn't just his ex girlfriends child. It's his daughters sibling.

I appreciate this is very hard for you and he needs to be sensitive but the needs of his daughter to feel her sibling is important and wrlcome are important too.

I find it hella weird

Yeah it's important.. to the sibling.. not op

This is unusual behaviour. I’ve never known anyone consider their ex’s children with a new partner “part of the family”, most certainly haven’t ever heard of a step parent considering them as such.

OP’s feelings do indeed matter and she deserves to feel healed from her loss.

This shouldn’t have to involve there being off limit topics for her husband though. It sounds to me like this new baby is part of HIS healing from his loss and this is obviously something really important to HIM.

If he isn’t able to talk it through with his wife he might end up closing off from her and having deeper conversations with others, which is fine if that is how OP would like it to be. I’d prefer my DH to feel able to have his most important conversations with me, but that’s a personal choice. Not saying it in a way of causing worry, it’s just what I could see myself doing if my DH refused to talk about something I felt was important to me.

I think more therapy could be a way forward and in the mean time see if there is another person close to DH that he could talk to about his DD’s new baby sibling.

I don’t agree that DH has been insensitive though, he also lost a baby and is looking at this baby as a positive for his DD and family.

I would hate him for this

They are literally his DD’s sibling. How on earth is that not part of the family.

my husband’s great aunt’s husband is part of my family….

Is it his way of coping? Do you think he is doing this as DSD also lost a sibling when you lost your baby so thinks he is helping her in some way.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

I really cannot understand how any half siblings your step-children might have on their mother’s side are connected to you. The step-children are not your biological kids and their half-siblings are literally nothing to do with you at all. I doubt many children would recognise their half-siblings step-mother in the street.

He’s being incredibly insensitive. Leave the room if he refuses to stop talking about it and tell him why.

Yes but he could talk to other people, if OP finds it too difficult

They are part of the step child’s family, not part of the dad’s or step mothers family.

I'm with you too. Of course the new baby is important to your partner's dd and of course he should talk about the baby when she wants to but I don't understand why he thinks it's ok or important to you.
The new baby is nothing to do with him apart from it being his daughter's half sibling, so it's not as if the baby will be spending any quality time at your house surely?
He should be respecting your feelings.