To think DH should respect that I don't want to talk about this?

[londonlass87]

DH and I lost a baby around a year ago. It was a very hard and dark time and honestly I think I probably have a bit of PTSD from the whole thing. I have been to counselling.

DH shares a daughter with his ex. His ex has just around a month ago had a baby with her partner. Me and DH do share a child too who is 4.

Anyway DSD is obviously very delighted with new baby at mums. She is 12. She is always sending DH pics of baby, absolutely fine of course.

Except DH always insists on showing me, or talking about all these things DSD is telling him about her new sibling and I just am not interested. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend my evenings talking about the baby. If DSD brings baby up when here then I nod and smile for her sake but I've told DH to stop talking to me about it when she isn't here. I don't want to know.

Aibu? He says he likes talking about it because it's a sibling his dd has that he doesn't really know so bit of a weird situation for him that he likes to talk about sometimes but should he respect the fact I don't want to talk about it?

The baby is not part of OP’s family and has a tenuous link at best to her DH.

It is bizarre that he is so interested in his daughter’s half sibling and incredibly crass of him to try to share pictures with OP when she has made it clear she doesn’t want to see them or discuss the baby.

You say that you've had counselling OP, but has your DH had counselling for his loss and your DSD had counselling for hers? Losing a sibling at a young age can be incredibly traumatic.

It seems like they are both very baby oriented people and maybe the loss of one child/sibling has made them even more loving/caring to the new family member?

Everyone grieves in their own way, there is no right and wrong about it.

Unfortunately there are no winners in this sad situation, but your DH and DSD are choosing to find joy in new life, despite their loss and I think that may be their way of coping.

Whilst you're grieving differently, I don't think you can be angry with them for not grieving in the same way as you.

Additional counselling could be really helpful for you all.

Sad for everyone all round, both of your losses matter to the same degree to both of you

He is also grappling with the changes in the family, and this new child is family because its a sibling of his own daughter. As he said its weird, he is trying to get his head round it, who better to sound that all out with, but his partner. Except his partner has said dont talk about it.

This has the capacity to cause rifts where he wont feel supported either.

When my daughter was born, and I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me earlier, I realized I was now connected not only to her father and his children, but also to their mother. My step-children are part of my family, and their family, by extension, is also part of my family.

Likewise, OP's stepdaughter's sibling is part of OP's stepdaughter's family and therefore, by extension, part of OP's family.

So sorry for your loss. Your husband is an insensitive dick.

@londonlass87

I' m sorry you lost your baby 🤗

you're doing more than enough engaging with DSD about the baby.

your DH is being insensitive & weird.

The new baby is part of DSD's family now, but that doesn't make the baby part of DH's life, let alone yours

Draw the stupid shit a venn diagram if he needs it in picture.

Anything that actually affects DSD directly, sure, but you don't need to be hearing about every wet nappy the baby has.

Ask him why he needs to constantly talk about a baby that actually has nothing to do with him? And WHY he needs to invite the Ex in because she's had a baby to another man, when he didn't before. Tell him you think she's probably moved on now, but if he wants to chase her tail, he's welcome to try - once
he's moved out of your home.

Nope.

You're lovely, aren't you? How perfect is your little life?

Well yes because family members dont exist in a vacuum and families as a whole cant be compartmentalised in that way

For you and all the others on the thread name calling and criticising the husband, both have suffered the same loss, he also has needs and feelings that need support.

As many have said, neither are right or wrong I dont get the need for the hostility to slag him off in this way. Do you think that is helpful to OP, how is she going to navigate through this with advice like this?

Yes I am actually, but that's irrelevant. So is how my life is.
Your can choose think you're now part of someone else's family if you want to.

it doesn't make it fact/true/normal.

supporting her not feeling the baby or the Ex are part of her family & agreeing it's understandable to not want hear him constantly going on about his EX's new baby should help her, yes.

You do realise her husband has lost a baby too?

Are you like this with friends' babies and other relatives' babies or just the ex's?

Some people seem to be forgetting that.

OP have you specified that you would prefer not to hear about the baby because of your own loss? I know it might feel obvious to you but if you have kept it to 'I'm not interested in hearing about the baby'maybe he just hasn't made the link? He is responding in a bit of an overly invested way. Perhaps as a result of his own grief.

Perhaps talk to him about it away from it actively happening. Explain that you are jsut about managing in from of DSD but need to limit it to that and suggest he share the baby chat with a sibling or parent of his instead of you?

Hmmmm I would say that the loss the OP suffered was more vivid (sorry if that's a shit word) because (assuming the loss was prior to birth) the loss took place in the OP's body - she was the one who was pregnant and feeling the baby all the time. Additionally, her DH now has at least 2 kids. He may be completely indifferent to having another, whereas OP likely wanted a 2nd.

And I'd argue that if the DH is happily looking at baby pics of his DD's sibling, then he has "got over" (sorry shit words again) the loss. Whereas the OP had PTSD and counselling and it's still raw and triggered by a similarly aged baby.

OP your DH needs to get with it and stop showing you these pictures - particularly as you have directly asked him to stop.

Plus the baby is DH's eldest DD's sibling. Not the sibling of OP's child. Not a step sibling either.

Or he isn't ''over'' it at all and is just dealing with it differently to OP. Men are also expected by society to keep all their emotions/feelings inside.

They both lost a baby, not just OP and that needs to be considered.

I honestly think it’s six of one, half a dozen of another here.

I certainly understand your negative feelings towards seeing happy baby things.

On the other hand, I’m thinking about this from your DH’s perspective: his daughter has this new sibling in her life and she’s thrilled… as parents we mostly naturally care about and want to be involved with big happenings in our young children’s lives. He wants to take joy in his child’s excitement and her new role as big sister. And yet in this case he’s not there, and he’s also trying to maturely navigate a new layer of complexity in his child’s divorced & blended families. He also probably has some lurking feelings about the loss of your child making this all even more emotionally complex. And all of these things I’ve described are natural things to share with our partners.

So I don’t think there’s necessarily a villain in this situation. It’s reasonable for both of you to be working towards a balance, and without knowing how much baby talk is actually going on it’s hard to say how far away from that you are. Expecting you to “spend your evenings” talking about the baby is far too much, but reading a couple of texts from his daughter is different. He’d be an ass to be inviting his ex over with the baby for leisurely dinners, but inviting her in at handovers for 5 minutes of his daughter showing off her sibling and him showing his daughter and ex “I’m happy for you, not some jealous & controlling dick” is more reasonable.

You’re rather short sighted. DSD is 12, their half sibling, OP’s kid, is 4, and DSD’s other half sibling is a baby. OP may have another child. Ideally, the siblings and half siblings will all get along well, is OP going to ignore DSD’s other half sibling forever? How’s that going to work out?

I actually think his behaviour is cruel.

Yes, there's the possibility that this is his way of dealing with his own grief, to connect with a new baby in his life, but regardless, it is cruel to repeatedly show OP pictures of a baby and talk about them when he's been asked not to and told why. There are many people he can talk to about a new baby, why does it have to be OP? Yes, it's nice to be able to share things with your life partner, but sometimes, big things like trauma and profound grief may make that impossible, at least for a period. He needs to get his head round that.

OP, would you consider couples' counselling with your partner on this?

Yes, but that doesn't actually change any of this. A baby his EX has had with another man only affects him in that it affects his daughter. It's not his baby. Why does he need to keep showing his wife (the op) photos of his Ex's baby? Any baby? & going on about the baby all time? She's asked him not to. It's very weird.

No, but how does that change anything??

The death of a child is a huge tragedy to move on from.
Your DH's behavior is so thoughtless I wonder if he struggling to process what has happened in your family.
Did he have therapy when your dc died?

Just because I have a different opinion to you, it doesn't make me short sighted.

it's going to work out how it does in millions of other homes up & down the country. It's hardly an unusual situation ( 'ex has a baby with a new man' )

Op Hasn't ignored the baby. She's been acknowledging him/her with DSD, but she doesn't want to be discussing the baby with DH all the bloody time, which would be absolutely understandable even without their own loss.

It's not his baby, it's his ex's baby with her new partner so yes while the baby is part of his child's life it doesn't warrant daily discussions and updates with his new wife.