Is this rude

[Tadah2]

Am I being unreasonable, is this rude?

DH and I go out to my DS’s nursery parents evening (I know, sounds odd, but it was helpful). My DPs look after the children, take them to a class the eldest has, and put them to bed. Lots of toing and froing, children falling asleep in the car, not an easy night. We come home and my DH says ‘Hi’ to my DPs and proceeds to empty and load the dishwasher. In my opinion that was rude, I thought he could have at least come over and said ‘how are you, how were the kids’. I sat with my DPs told them about parents evening, asked how it all went, whilst DH was clattering around with the dishwasher (we are in an open plan, family, dining, kitchen). Then my DPs say, I see you are busy, we best be getting off.

you are being unreasonable- that’s not rude, and saying hi is sufficient

you are not being unreasonable - DH should have said more than Hi and at least engaged in some small talk (and said thank you)

Our relationship has been rocky, but it’s improved recently. And he’s making effort etc, but these things niggle me. With my ILs I make loads of effort and drive the conversation. Offer drinks, ask how they are, will sit and chat away. Just wondering whether I’m expecting too much. He says he thinks my parents just want to talk to me (which isn’t the case) so he gets ‘out the way’.

Yes ideally he would be more friendly, that is rude

Doesn't sound like a big deal tbh. Do you see them often? And how long was this parents, eve that took up the length of a class, bedtime etc?

Maybe he was trying to be nice? Knowing you'd fill your DPs in yourself and trying to crack on with chores so you could concentrate on catching up with them?

I think the key here is the bigger picture, OP, as this one event in itself is not remotely something to get worked up about.

Sounds like he had a long day and just wanted to get some housework out the way before doing it all again the next day. Sounds like he was stress-unloading the dishwasher tbh.

He said hi and then went to do a task. Not rude at all.

Had he walked in and ignored them that would have been rude.

But they are your parents, he probably thought you wanted to tell them about parents evening.

I think one of you should have put the kettle on and offered them tea, generally acted like they were welcome guests for 30 minutes, not a random babysitter you were waiting for to leave.

And if its open plan he could have engaged in some pleasantries whilst stacking the dishwasher.

That is true, he is quite socially anxious. So, for example, for my little ones 1st birthday (his family were away on holiday, so just mine came), he spent most of his time on his phone or upstairs. This is a common theme, a lot of time is spent on his phone or hiding away (many Christmas’, birthdays etc). We have been together for 20 years (got together young). So it’s not like he doesn’t know my family, just remains socially anxious around them. They are very welcoming, but I can sense my family get a little annoyed when he is on his phone whilst I’m juggling both children.

Its a classic housework buffer so he doesnt have to engage. It wouldnt have hurt for him to sit down with your parents after their very kind childcare favour

Yes, this. In that situation the one with the parents would sit and chat and the other would make tea and sort biscuits etc and then sit. Disappearing to do chores straightaway is a bit rude.

I see there are mixed opinions, it is genuinely helpful to see both sides.

In isolation, total non event. It’s a weekday evening, presumably late, where there was lots going on. He said hello and you were talking to them, it doesn’t take both of you to tell your parents about nursery parents evening.

If they’d come over for a family meal or specifically to socialise I’d say he should have made more effort.

This seems a very long parents evening!

That is very rude. No ‘a bit’ about it.

I would view it as: he was unloading dishwasher SO THAT you could have a bit of time with your parents at the end of a busy day. In any case it wouldn't bother me. Men tend not to be particularly chatty and social at the best of times.

I would probably to the same tbh but I would have no intention of being rude. Long day, wanting to get everything done and then relax whilst my husband chatted to his parents about the meeting.

Was there a time limit on the dishwasher?

It is very interesting to hear everyone’s opinions. This is how he viewed it. Yes, it was 2.5 hours! Crazy really, but they had us doing ‘a day in the life of your child’. Plus talks on how to help them with maths and phonics etc. Interesting, but long.

Exchanging pleasantries is quite a low bar. I would say most people would manage to do this without being prompted. If it was a one off, I would put it down to a bad day. If it was regular rudeness, I would ask him to make more of an effort (at least how are you, how were the kids?)

But they are family, it's not someone he doesn't see regularly. He's got jobs to do and they were near enough to talk to...or do your parents expect the whole royal treatment of everything having to stop for them?? It's a weeknight, people have things to do and you say he finds these social interactions hard at the best of times

I think he's fine. Sounds like you have issues.

Was he making a passive-aggressive point that he thought they should have done the emptying / loading of the dishwasher? Just that it sounds like something my ex husband would have done.
That and his other behaviour like hiding away at family occasions makes him sound like a rude twat, yes.

So he scuttles off to leave you to do the social heavy lifting? No. That’s rude. Why not sit and have a quick 20 min cuppa and a catch up before they leave? That would’ve rounded off the evening nicely and been a nice family moment for you all. GPs feel included, you both engage about the DC and everything is chill. YANBU to be irritated.

There's a big difference between greeting someone with a smile, (hi, did the kids go down OK, ill put the kettle on, who wants a brew as you walk through the room' and literally saying 'hi', and walking off.

Both could have ended with him I the kitchen doing the dishwasher in the same amount of time, just one of them is rude, the other isn't

It’s gonna be a loooooooooooong rest of your life if things like this have you fretting!