Is this rude

[Tadah2]

Am I being unreasonable, is this rude?

DH and I go out to my DS’s nursery parents evening (I know, sounds odd, but it was helpful). My DPs look after the children, take them to a class the eldest has, and put them to bed. Lots of toing and froing, children falling asleep in the car, not an easy night. We come home and my DH says ‘Hi’ to my DPs and proceeds to empty and load the dishwasher. In my opinion that was rude, I thought he could have at least come over and said ‘how are you, how were the kids’. I sat with my DPs told them about parents evening, asked how it all went, whilst DH was clattering around with the dishwasher (we are in an open plan, family, dining, kitchen). Then my DPs say, I see you are busy, we best be getting off.

you are being unreasonable- that’s not rude, and saying hi is sufficient

you are not being unreasonable - DH should have said more than Hi and at least engaged in some small talk (and said thank you)

Our relationship has been rocky, but it’s improved recently. And he’s making effort etc, but these things niggle me. With my ILs I make loads of effort and drive the conversation. Offer drinks, ask how they are, will sit and chat away. Just wondering whether I’m expecting too much. He says he thinks my parents just want to talk to me (which isn’t the case) so he gets ‘out the way’.

If I’d been at work all day then had a 2.5 hour nursery evening (which seems totally absurd to me!), plus travel etc, and then still had all the evening chores still to do I’d probably not then want to come home to make small talk with my in-laws if my spouse was already talking to them. And I’m an extrovert and enjoy my in-laws company! I’d probably reckon they’d want to go home after wrangling my kids all evening, not turn it into an impromptu social event.

His behaviour at Christmas and the like is not on though.

From what you've said he's regularly rude because of social anxiety

I'm assuming he's had therapy to get through this?

Your parents find his ongoing anxiety around them frustrating (it does seem bizarre to me, he's known them 20 years!) and they also find him leaving you to deal with the children while he disappears to be anxious elsewhere, frustrating

I'm afraid I think he's rude, unappreciative and lazy

Presumably you see your parents regularly so it's not like it was an indepth catch up on their life.

It was late, after a long day. He said hello then went to do the jobs which needed doing before bed.

Being on his phone and ignoring them and leaving you to deal with the kids, that's less fair

I suspect the current rocky patch is colouring how you feel on this. It sounds perfectly ordinary: this wasn’t a leisurely weekend social visit, he greeted your parents and then began on some chores whilst you chatted. DH and I often leave the other alone with our respective parents, different sorts conversations can be had.

I also think if a woman was posting about this with the roles reversed, the responses would be different.

Well good that he's focused on housework and getting chores done. Maybe he just wanted to get on and figured you'd chat with DPs

I see in isolation this wouldn’t be a big deal, for example if in general my husband chatted to my family. But I think a lot of you are correct, it is more than that. It is his general behaviour around them for the last 20 years. It has taken a lot to get him to even say ‘Hi’ as for a long time he would come in from his office and speak to me and ignore any of my family members. He’s not socially aware and he does have significant social anxiety. You’ve given me a lot to think about, perhaps I should sit down with him. He has done counselling before, but he bats it away with the fact he doesn’t have time now (he is very senior and it would mean less time with the children). But I think it’s needed

Yeah I do think he was a bit rude.

however, in another way I do understand his POV, a day at work then a nursery parents long evening, I'd be 'peopled' out. I wouldn't want to sit & chat to anyone, no matter who, I'd just want to be in my own head. However, I understand it's not all about me! So I'd have made drinks & chatted for half an hour then excused myself.

I’m not sure anyone is BU in this scenario.

You did a great job being sociable and thankful with IL’s.

Maybe your DH had had a hard day and 2.5hrs of nursery chat finished him off (we all cope differently). Maybe the act of emptying dishwasher was all he could manage whilst still being present.

Weekdays are manic, we need to cut each other slack.

That is true, he is quite socially anxious.

If he were my SIL and I knew this a hello would be sufficient for me, I'd hate him to feel uncomfortable his own home.

They are very welcoming, but I can sense my family get a little annoyed when he is on his phone whilst I’m juggling both children.

Yes, your DH shouldn't always be on his phone and If this bothers you too then a conversation with your DH about him being more aware of what's going on around him and needing help with the DC is needed.

Rude would have been shutting himself away upstairs without saying anything imo.

I personally would have interpreted it as letting you have some nice time alone while he does something useful that means you have one less thing to do later.

On the plus side I guess at least he didn’t go upstairs to check on the kids then sit on his phone out of the way which it sounds like would be his preference / past behaviour.

I wouldn't think anything of this

This is a good point, my family don’t know about his anxiety. He has had it since he was very young and he told his Mum, who proceeded to tell everyone. This made his anxiety worse, sick in the mornings etc. He now has very strict rules on who knows his personal business and he is extremely private. I have respected his wishes, so I haven’t told anyone (hopefully you guys don’t count!).

Again, a very good point, I need to appreciate his progress

Ah, it's a bit difficult then if they don't know...

I must say you're a star for respecting his wishes.

Have you ever discussed with him about telling your DP's, with strict instructions for them to say nothing to anyone else. I'd hate to think if it were my DH they thought he was just ignoring them.

I think it would help ease everyone’s discomfort, if your parents knew about the social anxiety. I’m surprised it hasn’t been mentioned in the last 20 years, tbh, even given his strictures. After all, it’s not just him and his needs in the family, is it?
Having said that, I think he should go back to therapy - these conditions can get more and more entrenched as we age, and what’s navigable now may become a real problem later with isolation for him and resentment for you.

It hasn’t been raised because I feel partly responsible for his anxiety. We got together very young, and as a young 16 year old I would pick him up on things in social settings. Which I feel awful about now, I wanted to be liked and my DH is lovely but he has his quirks. But yes, I feel responsible. It sort of spiralled, he then starting focusing on uni, his job, seeing me,we did long distance whilst both at uni, his friendships faded as he focused on seeing me. As we got older, moved away from home, he worked his way up the ladder very quickly and worked very hard. Anytime he had free he spent with me, then his anxiety in social settings became worse. He didn’t go out as much, the fear became bigger. It’s difficult, but you’ve made me realise I need to have more empathy and sit and talk to him. I know he will say he doesn’t have time and he doesn’t want to go over it all. I’m encouraging him to see his friends and do hobbies, which he is doing more of, but I think we need to try to assess the route of the problem.

I dont see how youre responsible, those were his choices

I dont see the issue, they're your parents not his. Are you usually more of a people pleaser as in feel like you need to be over attentive of guests in your house?

What you have described here is very rude behaviour from him.

So its ok for op to be the one who makes an effort with his parents, but he's allowed to be unfriendly?

You can't hold yourself responsible, especially now he's an adult.
You've showed him you care about him by not disclosing to anyone, bar us MNers, about his anxieties. That means so much.

Sounds as though he hasn't let it hold him back career wise, which is a good thing.

You've helped him by encouraging him to see friends and have a hobby.

I'd explain more on the things you're missing out on not only together but as a family and how you could perhaps start doing more that way....not necessarily weekly but even planning something occasionally.

Given your update. I think "hi" is probably all that you can expect of him. If people know he's socially anxious then they wouldn't take it as rude

With my ILs I make loads of effort and drive the conversation

You lost me at this. A conversation doesn't need to be driven. It can happen naturally, or also, there's nothing wrong with a conversation coming to an end. It shouldn't always have to make an effort.

Your husband could be me to be honest. I have social anxiety brought in by my mother trying to force me into situations as a child. I have been with my partner for 12 years and have two children and he’s a massive extrovert. He hosts and ‘drives the conversation’ and its both a blessing and a curse. I would much rather do the chores in the background and be able to listen to the chat but not be directly involved or put on the spot. I’d be peopled out at the end of a work day (where I actually speak to people constantly without issue) and then parents evening and my OH would understand that. He knows my tells for when it’s time for guests to leave and isn’t offended if I disappear off for a while.

I do struggle sometimes when he is being so charismatic to insert myself into the conversation especially with his parents and I’m sure both them and our children have no clue of the internal struggle I navigate in social situations. Iv had counselling and iv come to the conclusion I’m just an introvert and that’s ok.

i don’t think you will change him after 20 years so I’d give him the ultimatum that either you can tell your parents so they understand or he goes back to counselling and you work on strategies together.