Is neighbour overstepping?

[Hereforthekickz]

I have posted previously about my elderly Dads recent accident. Just to recap….
Dad had a fall 5 months ago and ended up in and out of ICU as he suffered a severe brain injury. He has a female neighbour who he has lived next door to for years. She is the same age as Dad (78). They didn’t have much to do with each other but had polite conversation.

When I went to his house after the accident she had pushed a note through the letter box as she was concerned she hadn’t seen him so I explained the situation and we exchanged telephone numbers in case something happened at his house.

Since then she has been messaging me often or calling. She is nice enough but I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Myself and Dad are private people and Dad has lost mental capacity. I am not sure he would want her knowing his personal situation and he has said in the past that she can be nosy and interfering.

I feel like I have told her too much about Dads situation without thinking. I guess I was grateful for any support in the beginning. In the beginning, she kept saying she would be very upset if he went in a nursing home and that he should be at home but she didn’t understand the situation and that Dad would not be safe at home. I really felt like this was none of her business and her comments made me angry. She messaged me often asking how Dad was.

She went to visit him with her daughter in the nursing home last week. I was really surprised by this and I don’t know her daughter at all. She called me to tell me they both cried after seeing him and her daughter said “don’t worry Mum, I will never put you in a home”. I didn’t like this comment as again, I had no choice. He is too ill to be at home and I felt like I had to explain myself to her.

She is visiting him again before Christmas and she has bought sweets for the staff.

She asked me what was happening to his council house and then kept saying “you can’t give it up as he will be moving back in the future” (He will never be able to move back).

When she visited the home, she told staff he needed speech therapy and staff told her that I was dealing with it as his advocate.

Now don’t get me wrong, part of me thinks she is kind and is concerned about my Dad but another part of me is concerned that she is overstepping and getting too involved. She doesn’t understand the full situation and she doesn’t need to but she is giving advice and asking about things that have nothing to do with her. I don’t need her to watch his house as I am there often checking his mail.

The gas safety man came to my Dads the other day to check his boiler and her daughter went out and told him there was no point checking it because he was in a nursing home, I know it sounds like I am being difficult but I didn’t want him knowing. I was aware and was dealing with it via the council.

AIBU? Should I be grateful for her concern and stop being paranoid?

It sounds like she wants to be nominated for his council house. Maybe tell the nursing home not to let her in to see him as you're not sure of her motive.

And don't tell her anything further about his condition not treatment.

And let the council know you are his relative and NOK.

Absolutely @ItGhoul massively overstepping there. I wouldn't like it if the neighbour bought staff presents either... It's like she's trying to inveigle herself for some reason! She hardly knew OPs dad, he wasn't keen on her, she's making out they were best buddies. I'd be telling her and telling her firmly too!

i think it sounds like she is just elderly, lonely and like the idea of someone of a similar age next door, harmless but can see why annoying

Can I ask why you haven’t handed in notice for the Council flat as yet, why would you not want the Council to know he’s now in a care home?

@Curtainseeker my post isn’t in relation to his council house so I won’t be discussing that again. I have already posted about that further up.

I would certainly be having a word regarding them informing anyone else that the house is unoccupied, and why. it is so Mention squatters and break-ins as possible consequences - however extreme - the latter would certainly affect them. Otherwise her involvement seems fairly inconsequential, and the care home staff have shown that they understand the priorities ( as in - you're in charge).

As it’s infrequent visits I’d leave those.
Fade out from communicating with her. There’s really no need as you’re checking his house.
Just make sure the nursing home know to tell you if she starts phoning for updates or visiting more frequently.

And I’m sorry to hear about your dad. 💐

It's hard when parents get older and have needs you can't meet. I would ignore both of their comments because there comes a time when a parent needs more care than you can give. Had the same with my mum. Never wanted her to go into care. I had no choice as she was unmanageable. Advanced dementia and had other medical needs. I hope the neighbour never needs care home help, but it's naive of the daughter to think she would never do it.

All the very best ❤️

Her being elderly and lonely is not a valid reason for OP's Dad to give a focus to her life though.

I was struck by the opening comment that they 'didn't have much to do with each other, just polite conversation'. That level obviously suited OP's Dad. It's selfish and predatory of her to overstep his boundaries now that he's vulnerable, I'd hate to be in a situation where someone I didn't like had access to me when I was weakened.

Some bullies use 'caring' as just another tool to bully. OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better and validated - a lot of people seem to agree with you here. Your main focus is rightly getting the best care for you Dad. Just chill this woman out, have a quiet word with carers etc - they will have seen this before. Sod her motivations - even if she's genuine, it's still overstepping, and you Dad's best interests and yours come first.

Keep it simple, and remember to take good care of yourself with sleep, food, fresh air! These things are enervating. 🤗

And btw - though there will be a big emotional kick to getting him into care, IME there is also a lot of peace and relief in knowing that 'he's safe, he's clean, he's warm, he's having his needs attended to'. There will be a good end to this process. Hang in there!

I would never deny Dad a visit because he needs stimulation, it’s good for anyone with memory issues. However, Dad does not have capacity to make his own decisions and I do know that he would not choose to be in her company. In all honesty, she got on his nerves and he thought she was nosy and pushy.

If that's the case, she has no business being there. Put a stop to it.

Exactly what I was going to say. Burglars target houses where occupants are away long term like this. You should tell her to tell her daughter she should not be disclosing this information to any one especially random callers, workmen and the like for this reason.

She and her daughter are nosy and rude and are overstepping and its a particularly nasty dig to you for her to say her dd would never put her in a home.

She is definitely overstepping but also 'just polite conversation' with your next door neighbour for decades can add up to really feeling like you do know somebody.
I don't have anything to do with my elderly next door neighbour's family when they come to care for him, and I've only been in his house once or twice but we've had so many long garden fence or doorstep chats... I will really miss him when he goes (he's over 90 so I don't expect he'll be there much longer).

Block her and tell the staff at the home that you don’t want her visiting your dad as he never liked her and it could distress him.

Do these women live in Sale Manchester by the way, because they sound very much like 2 women who did them same kind of thing when my friend was ill?

I understand your concerns OP but just wanted to comment about her visits to your dad in the home.
I worked in a nursing home quite a few years ago and never ceased to be upset that many residents had hardly any visitors but there was always a grand turn out at their funerals.
Obviously I’m not suggesting that your dad is anywhere near the end, but even if he wasn’t close to this neighbour, a quick visit will probably do him good?

Don't mistake her nosiness and boredom for caring. The neighbour sounds like she's using your dad for something to do, they really didn't know each other very well and now she's visiting him in a NH? That is just odd.

My guess is that this woman is absolutely petrified about becoming ill herself and not able to live in her own home and make her own decisions. She's really talking about herself, not him. If you can be kind enough to say things like 'It's hard, but we all love Dad and see him as often as we can', it might calm her a bit. But these fears are huge when they look close and she might find it hard to stop. Don't take it personally or feel blamed.

I think you have to trust your gut. To me her taking her daughter who doesn’t know him and them crying in the visit and the comment from the daughter that’s all a bit much. If it were me I would just become very vague with them and then completely stop replying to texts at some point, but firstly I’d politely tell the woman to tell the daughter not to interfere with the council going to the flat as it’s a necessary thing.

She's elderly and sees what has happened to your father as something that could equally happen to her. She is reflecting her own fears about aging and infirmity. Have patience, she's been his neighbour for years and is bound to show concern. Old people tend to try and support each other in the community. Suck it up, you might be lucky to reach 78 one day - lots don't. You'll understand then.

It's a very very stressful and upsetting time for you. I was in a similar situation when my mum was dieing of cancer, it was terminal, but people kept poking comments at me one of which came from my brothers partner, she wouldn't have meant harm, but it's such a time that it's not wanted nor asked for. Plus as a next of kin you are extra sensitive.

I think, the best option would be is if your dad cannot go back home, to hand the keys over to the council and be the one who deals with all of his bills etc. I think you need to send the lady a card thanking her for her support with a but of "dads head injury was so severe that he will never be able to look after himself hence why he's in a nursing home". It's in writing then and you won't need to face her plus she'll probably stop going to see him. She does sound a bit of a busy body, giving opinions and interfering with the staff though. You just want you and your dad left in peace.

It is very difficult for you, and I fully understand it was not a "choice" you made for Dad to be in a home but absolutely essential to get the care he needs. I live in a village and these are the sort of ppl we are surrounded with very old fashioned but I believe it comes from a good place if misguided and they are projecting your situation onto their own lives( which we all do to some extent) If something happened to your dad's home eg a door prised open in between your visits they would alert you. Try thinking of them as an extra pair or eyes and yes well meaning visitors to your dad, nasty ppl would not make this effort.

Ouch
I think your dad's neighbours are ignorant.
Keeping your dad at home in this case would be completely unacceptable and the fact that he has now 24 hour care is required for his safety.
Like I said, ignorance.
They don't really understand how medical conditions work.
A care home is sometimes the best thing for someone even when it is the hardest thing for us to do.

I would advise to keep contact limited and also don't they have to be on an approved list to visit him in a care home. I wouldn't be comfortable with that esp that they weren't friends etc.

Inform the care home all visitors to be approved and given a list of people you do approve.

It's ignorance. People really don't understand medical conditions and the deterioration.

Telling you her daughter said “don’t worry Mum, I will never put you in a home”, and her texting you saying "I would like him back home" shows she has no idea what it's like to have a relative who loses capacity, mobility and can't go to the toilet on their own let alone keep themself safe. She would really rub me up the wrong way and I'd just stop replying to her at this point