Is neighbour overstepping?

[Hereforthekickz]

I have posted previously about my elderly Dads recent accident. Just to recap….
Dad had a fall 5 months ago and ended up in and out of ICU as he suffered a severe brain injury. He has a female neighbour who he has lived next door to for years. She is the same age as Dad (78). They didn’t have much to do with each other but had polite conversation.

When I went to his house after the accident she had pushed a note through the letter box as she was concerned she hadn’t seen him so I explained the situation and we exchanged telephone numbers in case something happened at his house.

Since then she has been messaging me often or calling. She is nice enough but I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Myself and Dad are private people and Dad has lost mental capacity. I am not sure he would want her knowing his personal situation and he has said in the past that she can be nosy and interfering.

I feel like I have told her too much about Dads situation without thinking. I guess I was grateful for any support in the beginning. In the beginning, she kept saying she would be very upset if he went in a nursing home and that he should be at home but she didn’t understand the situation and that Dad would not be safe at home. I really felt like this was none of her business and her comments made me angry. She messaged me often asking how Dad was.

She went to visit him with her daughter in the nursing home last week. I was really surprised by this and I don’t know her daughter at all. She called me to tell me they both cried after seeing him and her daughter said “don’t worry Mum, I will never put you in a home”. I didn’t like this comment as again, I had no choice. He is too ill to be at home and I felt like I had to explain myself to her.

She is visiting him again before Christmas and she has bought sweets for the staff.

She asked me what was happening to his council house and then kept saying “you can’t give it up as he will be moving back in the future” (He will never be able to move back).

When she visited the home, she told staff he needed speech therapy and staff told her that I was dealing with it as his advocate.

Now don’t get me wrong, part of me thinks she is kind and is concerned about my Dad but another part of me is concerned that she is overstepping and getting too involved. She doesn’t understand the full situation and she doesn’t need to but she is giving advice and asking about things that have nothing to do with her. I don’t need her to watch his house as I am there often checking his mail.

The gas safety man came to my Dads the other day to check his boiler and her daughter went out and told him there was no point checking it because he was in a nursing home, I know it sounds like I am being difficult but I didn’t want him knowing. I was aware and was dealing with it via the council.

AIBU? Should I be grateful for her concern and stop being paranoid?

@OutVileJelly1 it doesn’t work like that. While ever he is being assessed and in an assessment bed at the home, he still needs his council house. When the assessments are concluded and they say he needs to be in a nursing home, he will become a nursing home resident and social services will inform the council.

It has nothing to do with me. It’s not my house so it’s not my decision to give it up. It’s the Council’s. It not about hoarding it from others.

Yep it'll take ages for all the relevant people to decide and inform each other... and tbh as long as the rent is being paid by someone, the council don't really give a shite.

Do be aware OP, the second they DO decide he no longer needs his tenancy, they are likely to expect you to have the property cleared out in potentially just a week, with possibly very very little notice of that (I've heard of people getting just 24 hours notice.)

Sorry you're dealing with this op, they're making an upsetting situation worse. Probably totally paranoid on my part as it seems like your dad didn't like her much, but do you have a copy of his most recent will? Just asking bc you said she had a key to his house. Very unlikely but just want to make sure she didn't have secret relationship where he may have changed the will to include her.

Ive worked in Healthcare op.
We dread visiors like your dads neighbour. No idea of the family wishes and like to be involved so they feel useful.
If that were my father I'd have some sharp words for her.

I would tell the homeboy don’t want her visiting your Dad as she is not a friend. My mother has dementia and I have encountered enough grief vultures to see this for what it is. Mil and her cronies love a good ‘oh isn’t it awful!’story and harp on about horrible illnesses and injuries of people they know. She practically wetting herself over the fact my mother is ill and has carers whilst pretending to care. I give short to the point answers’ she’s ok’ ‘yes carers 4 x a day’ ‘she isn’t aware!’

We’re now at the difficult stage of placing her in a home as she can’t look after herself and we can’t care for her…oh well Mil absolutely loves this! I want to tell her to take her nose elsewhere! My mother’s illness is not a spectator sport to be picked over by her and her stupid friends!

'I would like him back home'?! And interfering with the gas check? As you say, that's the Council's responsibility to make sure the property is safe!

My MIL had a 'friend' like this - self-regarding church lady, preening herself on being so caring, interfering with family stuff, demanding medical information, wading into the hospital and the care home and causing trouble with the staff... she loved to tell everyone she cared when the family didn't and we were neglecting MIL... (when BIL and SIL had lived with her and given her every care until she truly became too ill to live at home).

It later turned out this woman had been taking my MIL to the cashpoint to withdraw money which then disappeared, and she had a history of this with other families - befriending old men, then finding last-minute wills that they'd written leaving her money 'for all she'd done'...

Even if she's not duplicitous, she is very much overstepping the boundaries. Your father has the right to privacy about his personal and medical information. I don't even know this woman and she's setting my teeth on edge...

And I'm sorry, you don't need this when you're going through this with your Dad. 🤗

You can just block her number, OP. Or respond with a (somewhat sanitized) version of the truth - that your DF did not speak highly of her, she didn’t really know him well, she has no idea about his current needs and you don’t feel it would be appropriate to give any weight to her thoughts on what is best for him. You could start by responding “This is just really inappropriate.” to her next text pushing her own agenda.

I don’t think she sounds particularly kind. Not unkind, just a bit self important and oblivious to anything outside her narrow perspective.

@BashfulClam I am sorry to read that you are having to look into a care home for your Mum. It’s not a decision that comes easy. We just want the best for them.

I have my Dads Will and she definitely isn’t in it!

I am going to speak to the home about her too!

@Compash thats dreadful! What’s wrong with some people. Your poor MIL.

I don't think yabu op. She sounds a pain and weird.

It is difficult but you need to have him cared for 24/7 which is what the home will do. Ban her from seeing him x

@RawBloomers its surprising how many people are oblivious to anything outside of themselves. I have come across a few in this journey. The good friends who send a text asking how you are but don’t respond when you say “I’m struggling”. They ask “how are you” but dont really want to know or get down to the nitty gritty. It’s just that they can't tell you about their holiday, new car, great night out without asking about you first!!

You definitely learn who to trust and rely on and who to say “get lost” too!

She hurt my feelings when she kept saying that he needs to come home. She said she would get the neighbours to help him at home. I tried to explain he needed 24 hour care but then wondered why I was having to explain myself to her

That's understandable, @Hereforthekickz; there's nothing wrong with kindly interest, but for me the interference around whether he comes home would be too much. Also the suggestion of "getting the neighbours to help" is ridiculous since it's not her place to volunteer them any more than it is to tell you what should happen

I'd suggest a few handy phrases for when she starts ... "Do you think so?", "Yes the family are dealing with that", "We prefer to keep that confidential" and so on ... nothing downright unfriendly, but just enough to keep her a bit more at arm's length

Her interference doesn't benefit you or your dad. Your dad didn't even like her! I'm not completely sure what you're worrying about - hurting her feelings? She's not worried about hurting yours and neither did she care about your dad's feelings when he was at home. She's taking up far too much of your mental space - ignore her.

There is definitely something peculiar going on there. You mention that she is a churchgoer and said that she would pray for him - is it by any chance an evangelical or pentecostal church?

In some churches there can be an element of putting yourself forward and this being celebrated. I wonder if she is reporting back to the church on her ‘involvement’ with your dad and getting some kind of kudos from that? For example, putting in prayer requests which are read out during the service, telling people that she is doing God’s work by visiting the sick or speaking to the minister and asking for his/her prayers, implying that your father is a very close friend.

@BadSkiingMum she is a catholic.

I am not worried about upsetting her. It’s just that sometimes I worry that my emotions about Dad are guiding my feelings and decisions and that I am overlooking someone who is kind and being supportive. I fear that I may be treating her unfairly because I am so wrapped up in my problems. I doubt myself and how I feel about her.

I was going to say this.
I think the neighbour cares for your dad, but getting her daughter involved too is too much.
I think this poster is right, i imagine this neighbour, being overbearing and a bit much, has had bad situations with neighbours in the past and doesn't want a new neighbour because your dad was such a good one that she felt in control with. My guess is she's a control freak.

I would speak to the ladies at the care home and say that you are finding her a bit much, you'd prefer it if she visited alone (without her daughter that you don't know), and then start taking longer to reply to her messages. At first set yourself a reminder to reply 24 hours later, then after a little while start doing 48 hours.

I'm sure the busy body will find something else to obsess over soon enough!

Also just to say you are not treating her unfairly, it's about what feels right to you. If something doesn't feel right, go with your gut.

I posted on here a while ago about our overbearing neighbours. Sooooo many people responded to say that I was hostile, and unfriendly, but others confirmed that just because they're friendly (let me add overly friendly) doesn't mean I should be comfortable and that's when you need to put it right!

I don’t think this is kindness - I think these are two nosy busy bodies trying to stick their beak into your business. Your father did not have a friendship with this woman and now she is visiting him when he is vulnerable and settling into a new place . Stop this madness immediately and tell them to do one. It’s odd and a bit “look at the monkey” for me, with the nasty comments and her advice to the staff about stuff she knows nothing about.
I would not tolerate this if this was my parent.

Some really fantastic advice here. Thank you everyone x

Presumably you have power of attorney etc?
And are legally able to do certain things on behalf of your dad?
If you already know that he will never return to his old home, and it's a council house, have you already started clearing his stuff out?

You say it's a council house. When they do take it back - either at some point after this assessment or in the event of his death - you won't necessarily get a lot of time to deal with the contents. It might be a good idea to start the process of sorting through his things and deciding what to keep where now, while things are not too stressful. It'll be much harder to do this if he dies suddenly and you have lots of other stuff on your plate.

And the sooner you do hand it back, the sooner someone else who needs a secure home will be able to live in it. And the sooner you'll never have to deal with this neighbour (or her daughter) ever again!

There’s a fine line between being neighborly and sticking your beak in.
Sometimes it’s difficult balancing in between the two. People often do the worst things with the best intentions.
Being the daughter of the person affected, I’d take it for as long as I could, then I’d just stop responding to all but the very minimum.
I’m really sorry about your dad. That’s a shitty thing all the way around.
Hang in there. Try to turn on the channel and filter out the noise. Your dad is the channel.
She’s that noise in between the channels.

ahh I see. So in an assessment phase then. We were led to believe he would not be going back at all

My mistake, i must have misinterpreted the situation

I had a very similar situation. My mum and dad had a cleaner. After my mum died very unexpectedly my dad had to go into a care home due to his having dementia. The cleaner asked if she could visit him. I thought at the time that was nice of her. However after a couple of visits the home told me they had caught her in another resident’s room putting the lady to bed!

she also phoned me several times and said she hated seeing my dad “in that place” and she told staff that if he came home she would care for him!! Fortunately she must have taken the hint and stopped visiting!

What do you mean 'we were led to believe'...

OP's father may well be in the assessment phase yet OP knows 100% he is not going back to his old home.

Clearly you have no idea how this crap works, it's a lot of back and forth, faffing around, some folk suggesting stupid shit about a patient going home when they don't know which way is up and can't put their trousers on without causing some sort of disaster, and then other people pointing out the truth of the situation.. and then more stupid shit is suggested like 'oh, but grandma can sit about in her own poo for 23 hours a day and just have a carer pop in for 15 minutes to sort her out' and then more sense...

And so it goes on until eventually the idiots are all thrown into the sea and common sense prevails.

OP will not be lying by saying her father is still being assessed, but that there is no way he is going home.

Hi op sorry you are going through such a difficult time. She sounds very much like a professional 'helper' and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other people she is involving herself with. I would make sure the home and adult social care know not to share any information with her to avoid her trying to insert herself into your dad's affairs.

At the end of the day you have done what is necessary to keep your dad safe and it's no one else's business. People say all sorts of things about their own views and values but until they are in that situation, they can't say what they will do.i wonder if she's hoping her family member could take on the house and that's why they are keeping an eye