AIBU to be hurt that my partner is taking Fridays off work, while I take Mondays?

[carlottavaldes]

My partner and I are in ours 40s, childfree by choice, and we both work from home.

I don't work Mondays and haven't for the past 5 years. My partner recently decided that he's also going to go down to 4 days at work - and take Fridays off.

I feel hurt that he didn't decide to also take Mondays, so that we could have an extra day together. I like my Mondays, doing my own thing, so it's not like I'd want us to be joined at the hip, but it would've been nice to have the option of going for lunch together, or going away for the weekend with no pressure to get back before Monday.

He says he chose Fridays because he's going to play golf, on his own, and he doesn't want me to be a "golf widow", but that seems like a non reason, as he wouldn't be playing the entire day.

I know that separateness is as important as togetherness in relationships, and I have my own life, but I still feel hurt that we didn't even discuss which day he'd take off. AIBU?

Yeah, I think it's weird too. I can't imagine me having Mondays off, (and working Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday,) and DH, working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... and then him deciding to drop to 4 days too, but having Fridays off! (When I'm at work all day.)

It doesn't seem very couply. It suggests he wants a lot of time on his own. He sounds like a typical golfing man. They are really selfish. Even when/if you go on to have children, he will still want his 12-16 hours a week of golfing.

I'm definitely going against the grain here ... I think it's really odd that he's dropped to 4 days and is picking a different day off to his wife. That really suggests it's not a very close relationship to me. If my. husband did this, I'd question the marriage to be honest.

YANBU @carlottavaldes I would be hurt too. It makes sense to have the same day off together. As you say, you can both do your own thing on that day sometimes, and do stuff together other times. My DH and I have the same days off. Well, I work Monday and Tuesday, and he works, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and every second Thursday - so 3.5 days a week. So every other week we get Thursday and Friday together. And on the alternate weeks we get Thursday afternoon and Friday together (as well as Saturday and Sunday of course.)

It would never occur to either of us to have different days off.

.

YABU

I love dh deeply, but I would be a bit horrified if I had become used to having a day to use as I see fit and suddenly he was always there too.

You can love someone a great deal but still need time to yourself. Not everything has to be couply.

Ha ha. We have this exact situation, but I'm pleased. I don't work Mondays. Dh last week said he is dropping down to 4 days, he'll take Friday. I'm thrilled. For him. We spend plenty of time together anyway. This'll mean we also get our own free time.

I wonder if it is partly a work requirement - and that Monday is not an option.

Also Friday may work better from a golf perspective in terms of other players being available then.

I'd say he has chosen this day purely from a practical point of view, certainly not to avoid you!!! If you feel that you don't spend enough quality time together, I would raise that, but as a separate issue.

Thanks very much for all the replies everyone, they've really helped.

It's true that we already spend a lot of time together, during the week and at weekends, so more time together isn't really required. We also live in the countryside so don't tend to go out in the evenings, so we are home together a lot. I have a tendency to feel easily rejected so I think that's partly what's going on.

And it's reassuring to hear that so many of you would prefer a day off on your own, without your partner, so I guess my partner just feels the same way, and wants some alone time. And you're all right that I've had that, and enjoyed it, for five years!

Thanks again for being a sounding board.

(Side note on having Mondays off - I get days off in lieu of bank holidays, so I end up with more days off than if I took any other day - worth knowing just in case anyone is thinking of dropping a day.)

Oh my god. A thread unicorn when OP takes YABU on a chin and is reasonable!

Good on you OP! Like really!

Glad you've seen the light OP! I've had a day off in the week for years but my partner wfh / for himself so we have the option to be flexible if he's not snowed under. Rarely use it though. I like being able to do my own thing. Now my children are grown up, I book lots of meet ups with friends. And sometimes just chill out at home doing whatever I feel like. I feel no guilt for not doing chores unless I want to, since we also have the weekends to catch up. I just like time to myself with no obligation to others (having not had it for years).

Good response OP. I've been planning to drop a day, Friday (but I take your point about Mondays)....and dh was a bit upset when I suggested he didn't need to drop a Friday too.

Good for you OP.
Enjoy it all and each other. xx

He wants some space and that's okay! You've enjoyed your own space and he'd like that too. If you wanted the same day off you could discuss with him that maybe your day moves to Friday but have stipulations he can go play golf and you generally leave each other be on a Friday so you both get space! No pressure for lunch out etc (do that on a weekend) but you can still wake up together a bit more relaxed if you both have day off and then go about your own thing.

But honestly maybe the Monday and Friday set up is good for you both. If you are both WFH and spend all weekend together space might be what you need. Distance makes the heart grow fonder my Mum used to say!

How do you get more days off if you don’t work mondays?

if you don’t work on a Friday, on the bank holiday week you would get the Monday and the Friday off.

if you don’t work on a Monday and get the day in lieu off (and say book it for the Friday), you would get the Monday and the Friday off too?

Yes, give the man a little breathing space here! You say you can feel easily rejected but he's your husband so he's there by choice woman!

If he did he’d be at golf whilst u sat at home!

That sounds amazing! I'd love a day to just go for a mooch or do what I want with zero pressure on having someone else in the house

It suggests he'd like 8 hours of time to spend as he wishes, not that he wants 'a lot of time on his own'. They still have all their evenings and the weekend together - I don't think a marriage that would require you to spend all of your free time together, especially when you already have plenty, would be particularly healthy tbh. When do you and your DH get time to do your own thing, hobbies, just generally having some time alone!?

I play golf regularly on a particular day of the week because it’s when the women’s competitions run. It does take most of the day - I get there at least half an hour early to warm up and meet up with my playing partners, then up to 4 hours to go round, then a drink and chat afterwards as the other groups come in. I think it’s quite sensible for your DH to do this on a day when you’re at work. The alternative is for him to play first thing and go straight home, which does mean him missing out on the social aspect of the game, or to play at the weekend, which is more disruptive in my experience.

I’d be really annoyed if I dropped a day and dh promptly dropped the same day. I’d be like ‘you had better go out a lot!! I didn’t drop a day at work to have other people in the house!!’

YABU.

We do this for childcare reasons, but even so it's really nice to have a separate day each with our son and not have to worry about what works for everyone.

He can book a day off with you if he wants.

A hobby day is a great idea - it will clash LESS with your life!

Why would he feel guilty though. That's weird. It would make way more sense to me to both have the same day off. Do your own thing sometimes but then you have the opportunity to have long weekends away sometimes too.

No one has to feel guilty for doing things in their own.

On the other side it's nice if you have different days off so each can do a bit more domestic drudgery and have dinner ready on that day for the other. Golf doesn't take up the whole day as you say OP so he and you could use a couple of hours each on your days off to do some domestic chores so your weekends are free. I'm pretty sure you do this anyway

YABU. You have had 5 years of a day a week to yourself, why should he also have a day a week to himself? If you did have the same day off how soon before you say he can’t do golf etc etc as you want to lunch!

leave him be

YABU he wants a day to himself - like you’ve had for years.

I would be hurt that there was no prior discussion. But otherwise my preference would be offset days off if you have weekends together

I work compressed hours over 4 days (Mon-Thu). DH works Saturdays so I have two days to myself ,and I love having that time to potter about. We have Sundays off together.

He has a midweek day off and I always make sure I'm in the office that day rather than WFH, so he can enjoy a day of pottering, too.

This is what happens when two extreme introverts live together. We love the bones of each other but we're even antisocial within our marriage 😅

Yeah, I think it's weird too. I can't imagine me having Mondays off, (and working Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday,) and DH, working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... and then him deciding to drop to 4 days too, but having Fridays off! (When I'm at work all day.)
It doesn't seem very couply. It suggests he wants a lot of time on his own. He sounds like a typical golfing man. They are really selfish. Even when/if you go on to have children, he will still want his 12-16 hours a week of golfing.
I'm definitely going against the grain here ... I think it's really odd that he's dropped to 4 days and is picking a different day off to his wife. That really suggests it's not a very close relationship to me. If my. husband did this, I'd question the marriage to be honest.

Yet you are the only person amongst the 74 replies, who thinks that.

Being married to someone doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. The OP and her dh already both work at home together all week, and already spend evenings and weekends together.
I think people having their own space, and own interests is a lot healthier than being "couply" {shudder} 24/7.
It is nothing to do with being "a typical golfing man" as everyone else on this thread has also said they would prefer some time off separate from their dh, and only one of those people has said they play golf.